u/Cheap_Net_4252

I yelled at my mom and sister.

Idk if yelling needs a trigger warning but TW: yelling, telling someone to off themselves, A LOT IF READING, mention of self hurt, mention of unaliving. Oh and very bad talk. Just in case. There is a TL;DR at the bottom

Just to be clear I HAVE NO INTENT OF HURTING MYSELF/OTHERS. ZERO, NADA, NONE

First thing, I want to say they have been fighting constantly, about AT LEAST 1-3 times A WEEK. As of recently though, only about 1-2 times a week. I love them individually, but hate them together.

So, yesterday, LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL we came home and my sister was just in the living room watching TV (her room was infested with fiberglass) and my mom was kind of coddling her. I know fiberglass is bad but you really don't have to scream and sob, you are going to college, act like it. She wanted full protective gear to just move the old fiberglass mattress. My father did it without one. But before this happened. My mom kindly asked me to make brownies, then remembered she didn't have eggs, she told me to go to the store with her, then she will drop me off and I'll pick it up, I said I'll go on my own, and I was obviously very bugged and annoyed, having heard so much yelling in such a short time.

So I went to get the eggs on my bike (props to me for only breaking one egg, that's better than I thought) and they had calmed down, but I was so stressed that I literally collapsed on my bed. And that shouldn't be normal, at least not for me.

My dad had a trip to go with his motorcycle friends, trying to go for another trophy, I said ok (it's not like I can tell him to cancel) and so he went. Now, this part is super stupid but I was already so sad that destiny 2 received its last update and Bungie is moving on. It was a childhood favorite that nothing can beat. So I was already unable to sleep kinda. I was awake until 3:10. I woke up, got water. My mom was there, she kinda just waved me off, (which is normal, I don't think she loves me, she has to force herself to hug me unless I do something good and useful, maybe I'm just disgusting because I'm not hardcore Islamic.) and I told her I love her before I went to bed. She said "ok".

So, now it's today. My phone is gone, I have alarms on so that makes sense. My cookies were gone, that makes sense, I wasn't eating them. (Also I have a gnarly depression room rn so that's why she moved the cookies) Anyway, I wake up just a lil and I hear the equivalent of Poseidon and Odysseus screaming in the living room.

It's 8:30 AM. LIKE ACTUALLY STFU. And so after 10 maybe 20 minutes I got up and used the bathroom then my mom mentioned me and started getting mad at me. So I got pissed and I screamed at both of them. I suck at saying the right thing, especially when I was forced to think this way. And I love them both separately, but they have been fighting for so long and it genuinely hurts. I can't even cry anymore and these people are SCREAMING over religion and the temperature, this isn't love language, this is war.

I understand that no one in this house may love me, or that I'm just a burden, that you can't show me off like a trophy because I have rusted, can't like me because of the habits I have. And I have come to terms with that. Even if my mom can barely hug me and my sister screams and practically whines that my mom is annoying when she is being spoiled every day by her, every fight, every time my mom went to heavens edge to grab snacks for my sister (she still does bi-weekly.) it hurts but I try to love them.

Anyways, I screamed many things and said many words. But one thing that was important is that I told them I wish every night that one of us three "unalived". I told my mom I wish she were dead and that she should have done what she said to us when we were younger and disruptive, she should have unalived, and I told my sister that I hope she moves soon or I'll just unalive. Which I won't, it was the heat of the moment.

And I regret it. I don't want to yell, I don't want to scream, I don't want to be this big scary monster to my family. But if I am, then I accept it. Because I give up trying to change anything atp. I don't know why I feel childish for this, I'm probably the bad guy but this has been happening for maybe since 2022. I can't handle it. I'm so tired because it's mainly us three that are a problem. And I don't want them to die. But they already feel so far. I can barely speak to my mom with actual love. They were nights I would TRY to cry myself to sleep but couldn't because I can hear my older sister being told I love you at night but not me. And I was a horrible spoiled brat, but now, I don't remember the last time I got myself something fun, and I don't remember when I asked my family for something either. I can only compare myself to others, because I actually find it difficult to shed a tear. I feel empty, and I can't even hurt anymore because, I get sentimental with myself or something, maybe scared, but I just can't, it's not the same, the itch isn't scratched, like it's not enough. But I'm not going to do that. No more of that hurt.

Ik that I am the reason this family is bad, without a doubt in my mind, in fact, I did full on research through videos and how I acted, discussed with family and actually traced back many bad times to me. This fighting is most likely because I was a spoiled brat as a kid (if it's not obvious that I feel incredibly guilty and hate myself for it) and that took attention away from my sister and now her heart is making up for that lost time before she leaves. I'm most likely wrong because I can't think straight Right now.

TL;DR: my mom and sister fight a lot so I got mad and yelled at them to disappear/die and I feel bad and sad because I'm probably why this happens at all.

It's such a simple and mediocre thing, but it's pissing me off bad.

So yesterday I had some food to give to my friend. It was ready and fresh and honestly, I hadn't taken a second glance at it. A few hours later, I heard my mom call out that there was some stale food she was going to throw, I was like, 'ok, well she must've thrown it'. Fast forward to this morning and I picked the wrong box, I TAKE FAULT FOR NOT CHECKING. This box had stale food. And obv I gave it away. She told me this when I came back home. But, and this kinda ticked me off, she took the fresh one out of the bag, from the MIDDLE of the fridge, and it was still bagged. That might not seem important, but we have so much Bs in the fridge even if we clean it out. So I said 'why was the stale food not thrown out' and she said she just didn't want to clean it. To me, and I'm sorry if you don't agree, but you can tell me to clean it. It takes four minutes. I said 'you KNEW which one was stale and kept it upfront. I understand I was responsible for checking the food, I'm sorry, but I was not responsible for throwing that away when you said you would throw it out.' she didn't even listen. She just kept saying that I should have been more present and checked. But even then, why was it still there??

It's stupid, and if I am at fault I will accept that and better myself. It just ticked me off, ESPECIALLY when I was rushing, I had barely any time to check. So AITA?

Edit: I am the Ahole. I will fix this mistake in the future, I'm thankful to the two people who gave me a down to earth comment but yeah. Looking back I may have just been arrogant and I accept that fact entirely and will fix it.

Also, I made sure of this, the food wasn't bad. It wasn't stale, but had a smell because the kitchen steam condensed back into water and fell in the food making it smell off but it was still safe to eat.

As for the friend, I talked to them and I will be remaking the food and paying them back $20. It was a free meal, but, even if it wasn't bad, it's just not right. And for my mother, I apologized and she forgave me but obv I am in trouble for this – rightfully so. I accept this fact and I am willing to fix it. Thank you.