u/Cheap_Plankton_8922

Okay sit down because this is a long and complicated post.

I am looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’m watching someone I care about get pulled into a relationship dynamic that’s becoming emotionally unhealthy, especially where kids are involved.

Any advice would be helpful to either me or him because I’ll probably end up showing him this thread.

For context, my roommate (31M) and I have history. Years ago we were in a relationship that ended badly, but over time we rebuilt into more of a family dynamic. We have been friends/family for over 15 years we dated for 3 of those years. More importantly, he’s been in my kids lives for years as family, 3 out of the 4 kids he’s been in their lives since birth.

When he started dating his girlfriend several months ago. He also told her right away about our history so she could decide if she wanted to continue with the relationship and start with transparency and honesty.

I genuinely tried to support the relationship. I’d tell him little things she liked so he could surprise her, remind him of things because he genuinely has a horrible memory, etc.

But over time the relationship started creating a lot of tension in the house.

His girlfriend has always struggled with the fact that my roommate and I have history and still function closely as a household. There’s nothing romantic happening between us anymore, but we naturally still help each other with daily life because we live together and there are kids involved.

Eventually the tension between us got bad enough that I stepped back completely because it felt like everything I said was being interpreted negatively. After that, my roommate’s memory problems became a major issue in their relationship.

She started getting upset that he forgot things involving her and comparing it to how he functions in the household. But the reality is I remind him about EVERYTHING schedules, appointments, random tasks, kids stuff, etc. Sometimes 20 or 30 times. He has ADHD and over the past 15 years of knowing him it’s become a normal thing and sometimes something we joke about.

One thing that really bothered me was her cornering me at my two year old’s birthday party (I was hosting at my mom’s place) to vent about their relationship problems. She complained about how much money he spends on the kids and apparently said she understands he loves them “but they’re not his kids.” He is not a pseudo dad or anything their dad is very much involved but he is family and a parental figure.

That honestly bothered me because while they aren’t biologically his, he has helped raise them. He has stated that to him, they ARE his kids emotionally. When he started dating again he specifically said the kids are his number one priority and that if anyone ever made him choose between them or the kids, he would walk away.

She also complained about him spending money on “stupid things,” meaning things for the kids/household, and apparently thought he needed better “boundaries” financially with me because he doesn’t care if I pay him back immediately when things are tight financially. This rubbed me the wrong way because a month into them dating she actually asked me if when I sell MY HOUSE if he would get any money from the sale. And I later found out that she asked him the same question.

Another issue is conflict happening in front of the kids.

At one point he asked me to remind him about something because he has a terrible memory and she responded by saying basically calling him lazy and snapping at him. This happened in front of my oldest and after they left that night he was uncomfortable enough that he said he wanted to directly say something to her himself next time.

The other kids started noticing the tension too. They’ve commented that they feel like she doesn’t like them. They said she was “mean” that night and there were a few other comments she made that also came across that way. They’ve also said they feel like she doesn’t want him spending time with them.

At that point I stepped in and restricted her access around the kids because I felt the tension and conflict was becoming emotionally unhealthy for them. I don’t want children feeling like they need to emotionally monitor adults in their own home.

Another thing that worries me is that over the last few months my roommate has started seeming increasingly emotionally overwhelmed by the relationship itself.

He’s talked multiple times about how “big conversations” in the relationship feel overwhelming and how difficult conversations often escalate emotionally or end with shutdowns instead of resolution. He’s even discussed wanting couples therapy because communication has become such a major issue.

He’s also become increasingly anxious about bringing up concerns at all because he feels like he’s constantly trying to manage everyone’s emotional reactions and keep the peace.

Now here’s the part I really need perspective on:

His girlfriend wants him to move in with her this June, which would mean moving in together after around six months of dating.

But he has admitted multiple times that he does NOT feel ready because their communication still isn’t good. He’s said he wants to work on communication before making a huge life decision like moving in together. He has even told his therapist that he doesn’t feel like they should move in right away and that he needs to have a conversation with her. So this isn’t something that he’s just telling me.

The problem is he’s become anxious about bringing up concerns because difficult conversations in the relationship often turn into major emotional conflict or her completely shutting down when he says something she doesn’t like. So now he feels trapped between not wanting to hurt her and not feeling emotionally safe moving forward this quickly.

He’s also admitted multiple times that logically he feels like he probably should leave the relationship, but emotionally he doesn’t want to because he loves her. He has considered leaving multiple times over the last few months.

He also feels conflicted because he said he knows that if he moves in, she likely won’t want him helping us financially anymore at all, and he doesn’t want to leave us struggling either.

From the outside though, I feel like I’m watching him slowly lose peace in his life while trying to emotionally manage everyone around him.

Any advice for me or him would be greatly appreciate.

Okay sit down because this is a long and complicated post.

I am looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’m watching someone I care about get pulled into a relationship dynamic that’s becoming emotionally unhealthy, especially where kids are involved.

Any advice would be helpful to either me or him because I’ll probably end up showing him this thread.

For context, my roommate (31M) and I have history. Years ago we were in a relationship that ended badly, but over time we rebuilt into more of a family dynamic. We have been friends/family for over 15 years we dated for 3 of those years. More importantly, he’s been in my kids lives for years as family, 3 out of the 4 kids he’s been in their lives since birth.

When he started dating his girlfriend several months ago. He also told her right away about our history so she could decide if she wanted to continue with the relationship and start with transparency and honesty.

I genuinely tried to support the relationship. I’d tell him little things she liked so he could surprise her, remind him of things because he genuinely has a horrible memory, etc.

But over time the relationship started creating a lot of tension in the house.

His girlfriend has always struggled with the fact that my roommate and I have history and still function closely as a household. There’s nothing romantic happening between us anymore, but we naturally still help each other with daily life because we live together and there are kids involved.

Eventually the tension between us got bad enough that I stepped back completely because it felt like everything I said was being interpreted negatively. After that, my roommate’s memory problems became a major issue in their relationship.

She started getting upset that he forgot things involving her and comparing it to how he functions in the household. But the reality is I remind him about EVERYTHING schedules, appointments, random tasks, kids stuff, etc. Sometimes 20 or 30 times. He has ADHD and over the past 15 years of knowing him it’s become a normal thing and sometimes something we joke about.

One thing that really bothered me was her cornering me at my two year old’s birthday party (I was hosting at my mom’s place) to vent about their relationship problems. She complained about how much money he spends on the kids and apparently said she understands he loves them “but they’re not his kids.” He is not a pseudo dad or anything their dad is very much involved but he is family and a parental figure.

That honestly bothered me because while they aren’t biologically his, he has helped raise them. He has stated that to him, they ARE his kids emotionally. When he started dating again he specifically said the kids are his number one priority and that if anyone ever made him choose between them or the kids, he would walk away.

She also complained about him spending money on “stupid things,” meaning things for the kids/household, and apparently thought he needed better “boundaries” financially with me because he doesn’t care if I pay him back immediately when things are tight financially. This rubbed me the wrong way because a month into them dating she actually asked me if when I sell MY HOUSE if he would get any money from the sale. And I later found out that she asked him the same question.

Another issue is conflict happening in front of the kids.

At one point he asked me to remind him about something because he has a terrible memory and she responded by saying basically calling him lazy and snapping at him. This happened in front of my oldest and after they left that night he was uncomfortable enough that he said he wanted to directly say something to her himself next time.

The other kids started noticing the tension too. They’ve commented that they feel like she doesn’t like them. They said she was “mean” that night and there were a few other comments she made that also came across that way. They’ve also said they feel like she doesn’t want him spending time with them.

At that point I stepped in and restricted her access around the kids because I felt the tension and conflict was becoming emotionally unhealthy for them. I don’t want children feeling like they need to emotionally monitor adults in their own home.

Another thing that worries me is that over the last few months my roommate has started seeming increasingly emotionally overwhelmed by the relationship itself.

He’s talked multiple times about how “big conversations” in the relationship feel overwhelming and how difficult conversations often escalate emotionally or end with shutdowns instead of resolution. He’s even discussed wanting couples therapy because communication has become such a major issue.

He’s also become increasingly anxious about bringing up concerns at all because he feels like he’s constantly trying to manage everyone’s emotional reactions and keep the peace.

Now here’s the part I really need perspective on:

His girlfriend wants him to move in with her this June, which would mean moving in together after around six months of dating.

But he has admitted multiple times that he does NOT feel ready because their communication still isn’t good. He’s said he wants to work on communication before making a huge life decision like moving in together. He has even told his therapist that he doesn’t feel like they should move in right away and that he needs to have a conversation with her. So this isn’t something that he’s just telling me.

The problem is he’s become anxious about bringing up concerns because difficult conversations in the relationship often turn into major emotional conflict or her completely shutting down when he says something she doesn’t like. So now he feels trapped between not wanting to hurt her and not feeling emotionally safe moving forward this quickly.

He’s also admitted multiple times that logically he feels like he probably should leave the relationship, but emotionally he doesn’t want to because he loves her. He has considered leaving multiple times over the last few months.

He also feels conflicted because he said he knows that if he moves in, she likely won’t want him helping us financially anymore at all, and he doesn’t want to leave us struggling either.

From the outside though, I feel like I’m watching him slowly lose peace in his life while trying to emotionally manage everyone around him.

Any advice for me or him would be greatly appreciate.

My roommate/family co-parent figure’s girlfriend wants him to move in after 6 months but I’m worried the relationship dynamics around the kids are becoming unhealthy

Okay sit down because this is a long and complicated post.

I (35F) am looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’m watching someone I care about get pulled into a relationship dynamic that’s becoming emotionally unhealthy, especially where kids are involved.

Any advice would be helpful to either me or him because I’ll probably end up showing him this thread.

For context, my roommate (31M) and I have a long complicated history. Years ago there was a poly relationship situation that ended badly, but over time we rebuilt into more of a family/roommate dynamic. More importantly, he’s helped raise my kids for years and they genuinely see him as family/a parental figure. For context, 3 out of the 4 kids he’s been in their lives since birth.

When he started dating his girlfriend several months ago, I genuinely tried to support the relationship. I’d tell him little things she liked so he could surprise her, remind him of things because he genuinely has a horrible memory, etc.

But over time the relationship started creating a lot of tension in the house.

His girlfriend has always struggled with the fact that my roommate and I have history and still function closely as a household. There’s nothing romantic happening between us anymore, but we naturally still help each other with daily life because we live together and there are kids involved.

Eventually the tension between us got bad enough that I stepped back completely because it felt like everything I said was being interpreted negatively. After that, my roommate’s memory problems became a major issue in their relationship.

She started getting upset that he forgot things involving her and comparing it to how he functions in the household. But the reality is I remind him about EVERYTHING schedules, appointments, random tasks, kids stuff, etc. Sometimes 20 or 30 times. He has ADHD and over the past 15 years of knowing him it’s become a normal thing and sometimes something we joke about.

One thing that really bothered me was her cornering me at my two year old’s birthday party (I was hosting at my mom’s place) to vent about their relationship problems. She complained about how much money he spends on the kids and apparently said she understands he loves them “but they’re not his kids.”

That honestly bothered me because while they aren’t biologically his, he has helped raise them. To him, they ARE his kids emotionally and he has stated that multiple times. When he started dating again he specifically said the kids are his number one priority and that if anyone ever made him choose between them or the kids, he would walk away.

She also complained about him spending money on “stupid things,” meaning things for the kids/household, and apparently thought he needed better “boundaries” financially with me because he doesn’t care if I pay him back immediately when things are tight financially. This rubbed me the wrong way because a month into them dating she actually asked me if when I sell MY HOUSE if he would get any money from the sale. And I later found out that she asked him the same question.

Another issue is conflict happening in front of the kids.

At one point he asked me to remind him about something because he has a terrible memory and she responded by saying basically calling him lazy and snapping at him. This happened in front of my oldest and after they left that night he was uncomfortable enough that he said he wanted to directly say something to her himself next time.

The other kids started noticing the tension too. They’ve commented that they feel like she doesn’t like them. They said she was “mean” that night and there were a few other comments she made that also came across that way. They’ve also said they feel like she doesn’t want him spending time with them.

At that point I stepped in and restricted her access around the kids because I felt the tension and conflict was becoming emotionally unhealthy for them. I don’t want children feeling like they need to emotionally monitor adults in their own home.

Another thing that worries me is that over the last few months my roommate has started seeming increasingly emotionally overwhelmed by the relationship itself.

He’s talked multiple times about how “big conversations” in the relationship feel overwhelming and how difficult conversations often escalate emotionally or end with shutdowns instead of resolution. He’s even discussed wanting couples therapy because communication has become such a major issue.

He’s also become increasingly anxious about bringing up concerns at all because he feels like he’s constantly trying to manage everyone’s emotional reactions and keep the peace.

Now here’s the part I really need perspective on:

His girlfriend wants him to move in with her this June, which would mean moving in together after around six months of dating.

But he has admitted multiple times that he does NOT feel ready because their communication still isn’t good. He’s said he wants to work on communication before making a huge life decision like moving in together. He has even told his therapist that he doesn’t feel like they should move in right away and that he needs to have a conversation with her. So this isn’t something that he’s just telling me.

The problem is he’s become anxious about bringing up concerns because difficult conversations in the relationship often turn into major emotional conflict or her completely shutting down when he says something she doesn’t like. So now he feels trapped between not wanting to hurt her and not feeling emotionally safe moving forward this quickly.

He’s also admitted multiple times that logically he feels like he probably should leave the relationship, but emotionally he doesn’t want to because he loves her. He has considered leaving multiple times over the last few months.

He also feels conflicted because he said he knows that if he moves in, she likely won’t want him helping us financially anymore at all, and he doesn’t want to leave us struggling either.

From the outside though, I feel like I’m watching him slowly lose peace in his life while trying to emotionally manage everyone around him.

Any advice for me or him would be greatly appreciate.

My roommate/family co-parent figure’s girlfriend wants him to move in after 6 months but I’m worried the relationship dynamics around the kids are becoming unhealthy

Okay sit down because this is a long and complicated post.

I (35F) am looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’m watching someone I care about get pulled into a relationship dynamic that’s becoming emotionally unhealthy, especially where kids are involved.

Any advice would be helpful to either me or him because I’ll probably end up showing him this thread.

For context, my roommate (31M) and I have a long complicated history. Years ago there was a poly relationship situation that ended badly, but over time we rebuilt into more of a family/roommate dynamic. More importantly, he’s helped raise my kids for years and they genuinely see him as family/a parental figure. For context, 3 out of the 4 kids he’s been in their lives since birth.

When he started dating his girlfriend several months ago, I genuinely tried to support the relationship. I’d tell him little things she liked so he could surprise her, remind him of things because he genuinely has a horrible memory, etc.

But over time the relationship started creating a lot of tension in the house.

His girlfriend has always struggled with the fact that my roommate and I have history and still function closely as a household. There’s nothing romantic happening between us anymore, but we naturally still help each other with daily life because we live together and there are kids involved.

Eventually the tension between us got bad enough that I stepped back completely because it felt like everything I said was being interpreted negatively. After that, my roommate’s memory problems became a major issue in their relationship.

She started getting upset that he forgot things involving her and comparing it to how he functions in the household. But the reality is I remind him about EVERYTHING schedules, appointments, random tasks, kids stuff, etc. Sometimes 20 or 30 times. He has ADHD and over the past 15 years of knowing him it’s become a normal thing and sometimes something we joke about.

One thing that really bothered me was her cornering me at my two year old’s birthday party (I was hosting at my mom’s place) to vent about their relationship problems. She complained about how much money he spends on the kids and apparently said she understands he loves them “but they’re not his kids.”

That honestly bothered me because while they aren’t biologically his, he has helped raise them. To him, they ARE his kids emotionally and he has stated that multiple times. When he started dating again he specifically said the kids are his number one priority and that if anyone ever made him choose between them or the kids, he would walk away.

She also complained about him spending money on “stupid things,” meaning things for the kids/household, and apparently thought he needed better “boundaries” financially with me because he doesn’t care if I pay him back immediately when things are tight financially. This rubbed me the wrong way because a month into them dating she actually asked me if when I sell MY HOUSE if he would get any money from the sale. And I later found out that she asked him the same question.

Another issue is conflict happening in front of the kids.

At one point he asked me to remind him about something because he has a terrible memory and she responded by saying basically calling him lazy and snapping at him. This happened in front of my oldest and after they left that night he was uncomfortable enough that he said he wanted to directly say something to her himself next time.

The other kids started noticing the tension too. They’ve commented that they feel like she doesn’t like them. They said she was “mean” that night and there were a few other comments she made that also came across that way. They’ve also said they feel like she doesn’t want him spending time with them.

At that point I stepped in and restricted her access around the kids because I felt the tension and conflict was becoming emotionally unhealthy for them. I don’t want children feeling like they need to emotionally monitor adults in their own home.

Another thing that worries me is that over the last few months my roommate has started seeming increasingly emotionally overwhelmed by the relationship itself.

He’s talked multiple times about how “big conversations” in the relationship feel overwhelming and how difficult conversations often escalate emotionally or end with shutdowns instead of resolution. He’s even discussed wanting couples therapy because communication has become such a major issue.

He’s also become increasingly anxious about bringing up concerns at all because he feels like he’s constantly trying to manage everyone’s emotional reactions and keep the peace.

Now here’s the part I really need perspective on:

His girlfriend wants him to move in with her this June, which would mean moving in together after around six months of dating.

But he has admitted multiple times that he does NOT feel ready because their communication still isn’t good. He’s said he wants to work on communication before making a huge life decision like moving in together. He has even told his therapist that he doesn’t feel like they should move in right away and that he needs to have a conversation with her. So this isn’t something that he’s just telling me.

The problem is he’s become anxious about bringing up concerns because difficult conversations in the relationship often turn into major emotional conflict or her completely shutting down when he says something she doesn’t like. So now he feels trapped between not wanting to hurt her and not feeling emotionally safe moving forward this quickly.

He’s also admitted multiple times that logically he feels like he probably should leave the relationship, but emotionally he doesn’t want to because he loves her. He has considered leaving multiple times over the last few months.

He also feels conflicted because he said he knows that if he moves in, she likely won’t want him helping us financially anymore at all, and he doesn’t want to leave us struggling either.

From the outside though, I feel like I’m watching him slowly lose peace in his life while trying to emotionally manage everyone around him.

Any advice for me or him would be greatly appreciate.