u/CheckUrVibe_yo

I'm going to be so disgustingly honest.

My parents and I have never had a good relationship entirely because of me. Literally ever since I was little. I am a 21yr old female and albeit though I have never done anything WRONG, never snuck out, did drugs, hell I barely had friends throughout the majority of my life, only dated 3 people (i'm on the 3rd person), have had almost all A's since late middle school, been working since High School, am in Uni getting a major and minor while having decent grades, I have never been an easy person to deal with.

Of course nobody is, but I mean even *I* don't like me. If i met me, i'd never want to be my friend. Or be around me.

Enough fluff-

Ever since I was a kid I always did things the opposite of what my parents would say, disappoint them and get myself in pretty deep shit, and feel absolutely terrible, and then do it ALL OVER AGAIN. My parents tried everything. They tried being strict, tried being gentle, even permissive, and absolutely nothing would work. I feel like a bad person 80% of the time as an adult. I can't stop lying. I sometimes can't tell what is reality. I swear I have memory on how things happen, I always forget details when it seems convenient (that literally happened today) and I end up lying SOMEHOW. I DON'T KNOW HOW.

I don't know what it wrong with me. It is like my brain recognizes I will be doing well and then say "f*ck it" and make me do something awful. It's not even little mistakes anymore. When I was a kid the worst you'd get was attitude, bad social skills, and the absolute worst was me setting some paper on fire because I liked the way it crinkled.

(this is where I become a bad person btw) NOW it's things like coming on here during a mental breakdown saying some pretty... bad... lies. FOR ABSOLUTELY 0 REASON MIND YOU. Yes I felt incredibly overwhelmed, su!c!dal, I was spiraling, like there were so many problems and I needed to singlehandedly fix every single one. Issue being I almost completely forgot about it until they somehow found it. On said post I talked about how I basically was raising my sibling, my parents eat all the food, they emotionally neglect me and said sibling, that I feel lagged behind etc etc. All were false besides feeling lagged behind and feeling immense guilt for existing because of who I am.

I also have mentioned to other people and on said post that my parents didn't want to teach me how to drive/gave up on it. How I would ask, and they'd say yes and then there'd be some reason as to why I couldn't. Or, how my parents would say how they wouldn't allow me to drive (i think during the talk about the post i mentioned above) because I was too mentally instable, which, yeah, sure. I thought that was real. I thought that was the truth. So I parroted it, come to find out it's not (?). I swore that was the truth.

There's A LOT MORE I could mention, but this wouldn't allow the space. I don't know why I lie, I don't know why I disobey. I have gone to therapy but therapists just basically say what you want to hear. I also am a poor college student and can't afford $80 visits every other week. I DONT WANT TO DISRESPECT my parents, but I do. I have never been good to them, for them, besides a few pockets here and there. Sometimes I want to hide in a little cave because I don't want to speak ever again for the fear I may do something bad again. What if it gets worse?