u/Chemical-Task8003

Uhm hi, I really don’t know how I should explain this shitty mess. I think this is my first attempt to really try to piece together my story. But I am 19F and was adopted when I was 5. I had been with my birth parents up until I was 3 and they were really just in the simplest terms evil. I was removed from them under abusive conditions and placed in an orphanage. But that wasn’t really any better since they were also abusive and neglectful. I was adopted by my parents who were on one hand, amazing. But on the other hand, also was a toxic environment. My mother especially was an alcoholic which made her physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to both me and my dad. She would always be angry at me and my dad would try to redirect her anger towards himself. But despite this, my dad and I weren’t able to have a relationship because he would eventually be forced out of the house for the night. It was a toxic cycle that only ended when my mother got diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 13. That was such a whiplash moment in my life because she passed away only a month after her diagnosis and even in those few weeks in between, we would still fight. I was homeschooled during that time and was forced to finish my schoolwork while sitting at her bedside and hearing the monitors and the constant rotation of doctors and nurses. But ironically, I happened to be the only one in the room when she passed away.

That situation kind of messed me up for a while. Especially because I struggled to grieve her death since she was sort of abusive towards me and my dad. For a while, all I could feel was rather relief that I didn’t have to endure her emotions. And while it was definitely rocky at first, her death finally allowed for me and my dad to get to know each other. I know that might sound strange, but I truly had not known anything about what he was like except that he stood up for me during fights or came home drunk sometimes from bars. (I guess to also escape home life.) As the next few years passed, my dad and I built back our life and my dad even remarried to my stepmom and found a truly beautiful relationship. Meanwhile I tried to continue with school and push through growing pains as best I could. I finished high school early and got accepted into college when I was 15. I did my AA at a community college and then got accepted into a local university at 17 to finish my BA. It was the first time in my life where I felt like I could allow myself to breathe and hope.

But then the day before my first midterm of my first semester, I found out that both my dad and stepmom were diagnosed with cancer. Both were at stage 3, with my dad’s being more rapid in spreading. It was a complete shock to me at first, but then in a split second, it was like my body went on autopilot mode. And I just became completely numb and was able to compartmentalize my emotions. I got through my midterms and then went home for a month for winter break where I was forced back into a very familiar environment. Except this time, I was the one who had to be the caretaker. I drove them to their appointments, carried their medical files and bills, talked to all the nurses and doctors, and sat with them during their treatment. I remember my dad’s first chemo session, I kept staring at the monitor and it just felt like PTSD. Then when we were home, I had to do all the house chores as my parents were too tired and in pain. When I helped them clean themselves, I was able to feel their skin slowly turning into a corpse. (Sorry if that sounds insensitive.) By the time I got into my bed, my body was in such overwhelming pain that I ended up crying myself to sleep.

But despite all the fucking effort I put into, I knew from the start that I would lose them both in the end. My dad was the first to go and then my stepmom passed away a couple months later. I didn’t even bother having a proper funeral since I just couldn’t bear being stared and pitied at. Instead I cremated them and released their ashes in the ocean together with rose petals. My best friend recorded everything, put a cheesy sad song in the background, and saved it onto a flash drive that I haven’t opened since. Now I am 19, almost 20, and I am sitting in my bed realizing that I am once again completely alone. I’ve been fucking orphaned twice, lost 5 parents. I don’t have any siblings or aunts/uncles. I do have my best friend who has been persistent in supporting me even when I was shutting down. She made me move in with her and has helped me with all the shitty paperwork that has just made this entire situation feel inhumane. And the medical social worker at my parents’ hospitals have also really helped me navigate all this. Even the oncologists and a couple of the nurses at my parents’ hospital have called/emailed me to check up on me. I guess even out of thousands of painful stories they see everyday, I stand out. I don’t even know.

But I think as more time has passed, the bigger the picture I am able to see. And it’s just terrifying to realize how much I have lost while barely being an adult. I want to continue on living as I know I still have a couple of people in my life. And I don’t want my parents’ sacrifices and love to be in vain. But it is also so fucking hard since part of me feels like my sacrifices have been in vain. I even took the risk of not taking a break from university through it all (except for when they passed) because my parents didn’t want me to. They were adamant of not letting my future be stalled. So even though I am finding myself about to graduate soon, I can’t bring myself to feel happy or any sense of accomplishment. My friend has decided to skip going to her own graduation ceremony to bring me on a trip. We’re going to Ireland which has always been my dream place to see (and a place my dad promised to take me as my graduation present). But anytime I feel myself getting remotely excited, I am hit with the reminder of what I have lost.

So yeah, I guess that’s pretty much what I have to say. Most of my emotions are still jumbled in my head. But at least I was sort of able to articulate it. A step forward I guess…yay.