u/Cherry_Flavoured_Ink

TW: Brief mentions of Cal counting

I've had issues regarding my body for as long as I remember. And when I was around 16 I started to restrict, and starve. I've worked myself up to recover a lot on my own, but I feel like because my struggles are so inconsistent, and because I am and always have been overweight, that I don't have an eating disorder.

I've never avoided food based on calories because I knew looking for that would be distressing, and when I would, I'd delete the apps because I'd feel I was already eating so little. I presently get triggered or upset when nutritional facts or food regulations are mentioned to me, and I find I'm generally okay if I don't think about my body or food. but that's the thing. I don't know what's going on with me. I know I have restrictive eating issues- or at least did in the past- but I don't know what it is. I don't obsess over the numbers as much. I just start feeling gross and then mega restrict and then come back to my typical meal count. and the cycle repeats.

trigger, restrict, recover, binge, repeat.

I don't know how to make this make sense. I feel like because I'm not as severe as others that I couldn't possible have an ED. I keep going back and forth between accusing and defending myself and I don't know what to think anymore... I don't know what to do. I'm scared I'll be dismissed by my psychiatrist. What should I do? What should I believe?

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for two years and doing DBT for just about three. I’m frustrated because so many of this skills don’t work for me. It’s even more discouraging that remission rate is so high but I don’t feel receptive to most of the skills. TIPP works great and is the only consistent one, but everything else just… seems to fall through for me. I want to get better, I don’t wanna feel like this all the time. But I can’t help but feel stuck and like this won’t help me. I almost feel like I’m at an impasse where I’ve gotten as “better” as I can and will. I know that’s not true. It doesn’t matter what I know to be true or not. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like this. And that applies to most things in DBT for me. It is so incredibly discouraging.

I know comorbidities are probably a factor, and that it’s hard to work on one thing if other things are affecting it. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. How long until we can decide whether or not anything’s working? because I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t feel like I’ll ever go into remission and I don’t have a problem with whether I do or don’t. I don’t care.

A part of me wonders what factors prevent a person from going into remission. I just wanna know why I struggle with DBT so hard. I’m so tired of this…