After getting diagnosed with BPD years ago I finally have come to accept I have it but I still struggling greatly
Bit of a long read. I have struggles with my mental health since I was 9. After about 3 therapists (one was for childhood sexual abuse, one was appointed to me after I got out of mental hospital,and another was one who I got through my step dad at the time) and multiple mental hospital visits for me to finally go to s mental institution house for a month. Within my stay there they recognized I had BPD and diagnosed me. I sort of accepted it. I saw some signs that I was showing but at the same time others I didnt identify with. Then I denied it after I saw how many people have said how people with BPD are abusers, they hurt others, unstable, crazy dangerous etc. 3 years passed
I came across something called splitting and I realized I do that. I realized I've ended multiple relationships because of splitting. I also get my perception on how people care about me flipped all the time especially if they dont message me enough or cancel plans. I just dont know how to feel. I am not exactly happy about it though
I feel terrified.i never hurt anyone and i have never insulted people but im scared one day I might. I'm scared that I cant find get the therapy I need because I cant afford it,I'm scared to get into a relationship. I feel like a bad crazy person. I'm scared that my past I may not have been the victim like I thought I was in my traumas.
But at the same time it made me realize that the things I go through like wondering if ppl care, extreme loneliness,suicidal under stress, splitting isn't healthy and is honestly exhausteing and that there's potential for a healthy life where I dont have to deal with that. I realize that I shouldnt be moving out into an apartment with someone right now for my own health.
I dont mind advice and support!