u/Cinndotcherry

Looking for advice from anyone who’s dealt with HMRC payment tracing or duplicate payments.

Timeline:

**•	May 2026** – Received my Self Assessment bill: £3,709.10 due. Paid it immediately using the QR code from my login portal  ).  
**•	A few weeks later** – Got a follow-up letter claiming late payment + interest. Assumed it was a system lag and ignored it.  
**•	\~3 months later** – Received a formal statement saying the amount is still outstanding, now with penalties added, and that it’s been passed to a **debt collection agency**.  
**•	This week** – Checked the HMRC portal, it still showed the amount as overdue. Panicked and paid the £3,709.10 again to stop the debt collector action.

The problem:

**•**	My bank statement confirms the **first payment went out in May**.  
**•**	The HMRC portal shows **no record of that May payment** at all — like it vanished.  
**•**	I’ve now paid the same bill **twice**.

What I need help with:

**1.**	How do I get HMRC to trace the original May payment (I have bank proof it left my account)?  
**2.**	What’s the process for reclaiming the duplicate payment?  
**3.**	How do I get the late payment interest/penalties removed, given the original payment was on time?  
**4.**	How do I stop or reverse the debt collector referral so it doesn’t affect my credit file?  
**5.**	Has anyone had QR code payments specifically go missing/unallocated at HMRC? Wondering if this is a known issue.

Any advice on the right HMRC department to call, what reference numbers/evidence to have ready, or how long this typically takes to resolve would be hugely appreciated.

My wife and I are both 33. We’ve been married 9 years, lived abroad, then moved to the UK. During this time she’s built an incredible career and become extremely busy. I’ve also moved into more demanding roles. We’re both working flat out working min 12 hours a day

She’s invested huge amounts of time in work because she genuinely loves it — she’s one of the rare people who isn’t in it for the money only, just loves work. At the same time, she has high standards at home: she expects me to take care of her, manage the house, and come home on time, cook do her online returns manage all the life admin. She gets home earlier than me but keeps working after she’s back to the point she’s exhausted or falling ill. I have continuous to raise she works too much. She wants to have a a baby and immediately work again.when house is not clean organised she get snappy rude and angry at me. I then feel resentful and close out.

We fight constantly. Part of it is on me and my lack of reliability — I say I’ll be home on time and then don’t, because I’ve got emails to finish and no proper setup to work from home effectively. On the days I do get things done at home, she’s still in meetings or working, then crashes on the sofa expecting me to massage her and look after her after her exhausting day. Meanwhile my needs don’t get met, because apparently I haven’t met hers first. Her philosophy is: if the woman isn’t taken care of and happy, the man can’t expect the same from her. I don’t know if that’s a normal way to run a relationship or not — I’ve never been with anyone else. We married young, and this is all I know.

I have my own issues too. I’m messy, I can be clumsy at home, I mess up instructions — usually because I’m exhausted, I over promise and under deliver ( unreliable) . When she raises her voice at me for messing up, I get resentful and kind of tune out. She feels uncared for; I feel attacked and shut down. I’m not someone who likes conflict or speaking up about what I need — she’s the opposite.

I don’t know if we’re just fundamentally mismatched, or if our work schedules have wrecked what used to be a good marriage. She’s said she doesn’t think we can have a kid because she doesn’t think I can look after her properly. That feels insane to me — she’s a grown adult — but then again, she sometimes doesn’t eat until I get home, because she’s that buried in work.

I know I could be more attentive, more organized, more on top of the house and her needs. But I’m running on empty from my job and barely have time for hobbies friends or my own family . The only time we consistently spend together is the gym on weekends, and food/cinema with friends. Outside of that we barely connect, and she keeps telling me I’m failing her as a husband.

For 3.5 years now we’ve also been supporting her brother, who’s lived with us while dealing with mental health issues. Our sex life is basically nonexistent at this point. He is moving out soon later this year

The only reason I haven’t thrown in the towel is that most of our 9 years were genuinely good — it’s really the last 4 that have been relentless stress. I’m scared of what my life looks like if this ends, but I don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone been in a similar situation — two people working themselves into the ground, and it wrecking the relationship? How did you handle it?

*To add the other issue she has is that I don’t give her attention to mental issues going on. Most of it because of work. I find it difficult to engage with her work dramas because I genuinely don’t care most is self inflicted because of how over-invested she is in it . She then counts on me for emotional safety and physical comfort which I have struggled to provide because of my own work stresses and lack of sleep. Because I can’t provide that now eother she doesn’t see why she needs me anymore…..