u/Classic-Trust-461

Siento que lo que voy a decir podria sonar completamente desconectado de la realidad y demasiado idealista para lo que solemos esperar viviendo en latam. Pero estoy harta. Estoy harta de salir a la calle y no tener un buen transporte publico, estoy harta de ver perros callejeros, estoy harta de ver sucias las calles, estoy harta de no tener buenos centros de servicio, estoy harta que no haya apertura hacias las leyes lgtb, estoy harta que como mujer tengo que vivir con miedo constante, estoy harta de que las redes sociales se encarguen de mostrarte los lugares mas top donde llegas a verte fancy para la foto, pero que no se tenga realmente acceso a una vida digna. No hablo de tener carros, o tener grandes casas, o si quiera tener dinero en el banco, hablo de tan simple como salir a la calle y saber que puedo movilizarme sin el miedo que el busero pase viendo su celular y ocasione un accidente, o saber de que no se respeta la ley. Me cae mal saber que el nivel de educacion en latam es tan bajo, el tener que guardar mis opiniones por miedo a que no comprendan lo que realmente quiero decir, a que vean el tener una buena vida con el tener acceso a ir a lugares de lujo o al restaurante mas nuevo, cuando ninguna de esas cosas garantiza una buena vida. Estoy harta de hacer conversaciones con la gente y que solo sepan hablarme de sus celebridades fvoritas o su equipo favorito, osea donde esta tu individualidad??? no eres tu equipo de futbol, ni eres tu grupo de kpop, ni tu religion, ni nada de esas cosas. Realmente no se si son las redes o el tiempo, pero estoy harta de encontrarme con demasiada superficialidad, y tampoco hablo de hacerte el culto de "leo tantos libros y consumo esto y aquello" no, no no bb, quiero conocer gente y platicar de que opinas tu, aunque sea una opinion pendeja bb todos tenemos opiniones pendejas, no te voy a juzgar asi que te pido por favor no me juzgues, bueno, no te lo puedo pedir por que no te controlo, pero espero el dia de simplemente hablar con alguien, decir mis pendejadas y en vez de verle la cara de "que le paso a esta loca" pueda ser, ok cool siguiente tema.

esto empezo con estres a la infraestructura y evoluciono a estres con la poblacion, y digo esto con amor, y estoy hablando en serio, osea, estoy harta que haya demasiado evacion a la realidad y el hacer todo un meme y el hacer todo doble sentido. A veces las cosas solo son y ya, no quiero decir otra cosa, no busco algo mas con lo que digo, soy una persona real y digo cosas en serio, con tono de voz serio si quiero, soy directa y no soy malcriada por eso. Bueno, esto fue mas que todo hacia la cultura de mi pais no puedo hablar de todo latam, sobretodo que vivo en un bello y pequeño como un pulgar, pais de centroamerica, creo que ahi lo digo todo.

Hey! So, I'm literally a loser lesbian. I have a hard time talking to girls and, although I've been to multiple dates, I never really seem to be able to start a relationship.

At first I thought it was because maybe I wasn't truly atracted to woman, I tried dating men, and I mean it also happened that I wasn't able to get into a relationship, and when I finally almost got a boyfriend I realize I didn't like him (and guys) at all, so I ended the whole thing.

I spent a year without any dates and moved away, I have been in a whole crashout. I also don't have close friends, maybe I'm just a terrible person, the strange thing is that people don't tell me that, they do tell me that they think I'm great and deserve someone better.

I started talking to this new girl, and I like her but the problem is she reminds me to the girl I fell in love with and eventually got my heart broken when she wanted nothing to do with me. I kinda like this girl, but maybe not enough to persue something else, we went to one date and she stopped talking to me for a day and I lost my mind during that day. And now, I just don't know what is a good or bad idea.

Initially I stopped dating to get a better relationship with myself, and find better people, but it seems that all that alone time just broke me a bit more. I am an only child, my family does not talk about feelings and I can't pay therapy, I truly have no one to talk to about my feelings. I have some friends but I always feel like I'm bothering them when I talk about myself, so I've always been the type of friend who just listens.

I write a lot, I have filled journals with my emotions and for a while that helped, but is no longer helping. I just want a girlfriend, friends and have fun, it seems like that's so easy for everyone else but me.

I (26F) have felt odd all my life. I have been through some very rough times during my life, and have been pretty much on survival mode for a long time. However, I had a last straw that made me go inside myself, and define not only my sexuality but my identity as a whole (spirituality, morals, career, friendships, feelings). I am from El Salvador, I was raised without a religion but my country is highly religous, and it is present everywhere (school, university, people) so it was impossible to escape a religous mindset, during my growth I remember cultivating a lot of shame and guilt, about pretty much everything.

I'm also an only child, have a very small family and there is no one my age that I can share with who's known me all my life, like family tend to do.

Previous to starting my identity crisis, I fell hard for a woman, she's a masc, really pretty and she treated me so well, but we were never together, although sometimes I felt like she was flirting with me, but she reasured me that it was only her personality. Anyway, I confessed how I felt (twice, imagine my embarrassment) she said she was not looking for a relationship, she also didn't felt that for me, I accepted it and we went no contact for about a month. Later, I found out through IG that she has a new gf, and it honestly broke me but I tried my best to pretend it didn't. At that same time, a friend who I considered my gbf, he was being really mean to me and I distanced myself from him to keep my peace (honestly great move he was really toxic, but at the moment I was heartbroken by that friendship as well).

She contacted me back after about a month, and told me that maybe what i felt was just friendship. And I went with it, by that time I had moved to a new place and was kinda flirting with a male roomate (i dont recommend). This is where things get a bit messy, cause we start hanging out again, sometimes alone sometimes with her girlfriend, and I was trying my best to keep my cool. But, in reality, my life was a mess, everything was getting worse in all other aspects so seeing her was truly one of the few moments I was able to relax, chat and just laugh (we used to laugh soooo much together). At some point I remember we went to a club with some friends, and with the drinks my pretending started to fall, and omg, just having her dancing next to me was enough to make me feel all my insights come to life, and omg I just really fancied her. But her gf (gorgeous girl and smart) she saw me and like thought that maybe we had a past, but we didn't so, that never really escalated.

A little after that, I decided to try to do it with my roomate, but my deep darkest secret was that I have actually never been with a men before. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, I always managed to not do it with any men, I kept postposing it over and over again until the right guy showed up, so I thought, maybe now is the moment to just do it.

I was kinda nervous and talked about it with her, and she literally said that if I did it she was going to stop talking with me (I mean whattttt in the world) it was not her position to say that, but hey that was enough for me to walk out of that house, and I never spoke with the guy again (other stuff happened in the middle that are not important but, it caused her reaction, i think)

Before all of this, I had been with a girl before, beautiful woman, I fell for her too but way less intensive. However, I realized I didnt feel like mature enough to be with a woman, like, I felt so many woman are so secure on themselves and just gorgeous honestly, my insecurities raised.

I decided to move back to my home country (el salvador) i stopped gardening (smoking) as well, so I allowed myself to feel, and to go back to myself. It has been really painful, it's taken me months to be able to sit with myself, and confront my thoughts and ideas, but, after some time it has worked. I journal a lot, and in the past month I completed 2 journals and like 6 less than a year (I truly recomment journaling btw). I couldn't pay therapy, and being honest, I didn't want to have to wait and be told stuff that I can sometimes find online (this was a personal decision and i do NOT recommend it, seek therapy if you can).

And about a week ago, I decided to revisit some of my sexuality feelings and like memories from being a child, teenager and I figured it out.

I've never liked guys, I never found a guy attractive, and I used to say that outloud btw, but being from a highly religous place, I often felt honestly like a rat, and everybody were normal people. I've heard many disgusting things being said by the people that are supposedly educating us. I cannot speak for any other latino country, but El Salvador is rooted in misoginy, homofobia, hatred, envy and guilt. And it can be seen and felt with the fact that no one stops a second to think and just follow whatever their leaders are saying. I'm not gonna say this is everybody, because of course, it isn't. But, I now understand where all my shame and also accepting wrong stuff came from.

I haven't spoken with her, and honestly being so far away has been a relief. I no longer need to pretend I don't feel anything. But I might be going back to that country in a few months, but at this moment, I know that I can't be friends if it's hurting me.

I am now, officially a baby lesbian. I have been following the community so long as a good 'ally', that being official in my heart makes me feel like home. So yeah, I guess this is my comming out story. Oh and I told some of my family and they are okay with it, it wasn't a topic lol.