I think I might have quiet BPD and I don't know what to do
Throwaway because my username is recognizable across multiple platforms, and I'm not ready to talk about this with friends or family yet. I also do not have the financial resources to seek a diagnosis or talk about this with a mental health professional, which is why I came here.
29F. My mother developed BPD through trauma growing up, and I identify with multiple symptoms that lead me to believe she may have passed it down to me genetically, and it has manifested as quiet BPD. I have already been diagnosed with ADHD, a generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder in the past.
I've done some recent reflecting and found that I identify with multiple (but not all) symptoms.
Growing up with military parents and a BPD mother, I have learned to stay quiet and out of the way, and internalize everything. My environment growing up taught me i was not in a safe space to express my feelings.
I isolate and pull away from people in times of stress. If someone is stressed or angry, I distance myself and isolate, even if I'm not the root cause of the problem. The moment I see them angry or they get upset, my first thought is always "oh god what did I do?" And i internally take the blame for them being upset. I distance myself because I don't want to make the situation worse or piss them off more.
I find it difficult to express when I'm upset out of fear I'm making the topic of discussion a bigger issue than it seems/ oe that its going to start an argument and then I end up bottling up my feelings and shoving them down in favor of the people I love. I find myself spiraling at times, and this manifests as doomscrolling on my phone as a distraction.
My confidence and self-image are in hells basement. It doesn't help that I'm combined type adhd and very prone to being an air head and scatter brained. I will hyperfixate on my flaws and ask myself why the fuck I'm like this. I have a negative internal monologue that reinforces this and it seems so hard for me to put myself first or in a positive light because I feel like I don't deserve that.
I've also dealt with suicidal ideation since high-school. It's always been a thought in the back of my mind. Always. I've always looked at it as a way out if things ever got bad enough. To clarify I am okay and do not have any plans to hurt myself. But the ideation is there. It's always there.
I've only realized it's been affecting my relationships with family and friends and I fear that it's now impacting my relationship with my boyfriend.
I think I just need someone to help validate my concerns and to talk to.
In the past I had an ex friend who played arm chair psychologicalist and told me I had BPD. This friend also fucked me over in a massive way and left me homeless for 2 months so back then I dismissed it. People in my life reassured me that I didn't have BPD and that they would know if I did as they have had experiencein the past with people who have unhealed BPD. But I don't think they know quiet BPD exists. And I'm starting to think my ex friend was right.