u/CoheedMe

Last night we had to serve a vacate order on a man with schizophrenia. During the process, he reached into a drawer. It lasted 2.5 seconds.

My hand had been in the interview stance, and my taser was closer. When he came back from the dresser with a knife in his hand. By the time I presented the taser, he had already folded it up and put it back. I didn’t even have time to turn it on. I wanna make it clear, the moment I saw the knife, the taser was coming out.

My supervising officer had gone into the room in the corner by him, and he could’ve easily turned the knife on her. However, if I had drawn my firearm, she would’ve been in my line of fire.

I’m killing myself that I drew my taser instead of my firearm because even if she had been in my line of fire, at least I could’ve incapacitated a threat with more certainty.

Everything ended fine. No one was hurt. But this is definitely eating at me. I don’t want anyone to think. I’m incapable of doing my job. I just reacted as fast as I could.

Not an excuse, it was a mistake. I feel like I failed my partner and myself.

I can say with certainty it’ll never happen again, but it doesn’t change my feelings.

So we found out on Friday that we miscarried. So, my wife had to take the pill. Yesterday she had to take the second round of that medication. It causes you to pass the pregnancy.

She started bleeding heavily. That can be normal, but she said she was getting lightheaded. So, for some reason, I said, let’s go to the ER right now and just have you looked at. Normally, I would have taken the wait-and-see approach.

I rushed us there. 90 on the highway, halfway up, I looked over. She said she felt sick. Then, she lost all the color in her face, eyes wide open, mouth dropped, and she stared, moaning and gurgling. She looked like she was dying in front of me. I started chest compressions with my right hand. There is more, but I can’t remember.

I got to the ER. Jumped out and ripped her from the car. She woke up as I tried to get her out. She said she couldn’t see. Had like a moment of what seemed like a seizure. I carried her in and yelled for help. They all came. She was covered in blood around her privates. I thought she was going to die.

Long story short

They said they think she experienced a vasovagal (vagus nerve) episode. So fainting from blood loss and low blood pressure.

They monitored her for 4 hours, and we were sent home.

My nine-year-old was in the backseat the whole time. Everything flashed before my eyes as I waited to get information from the doctors. I lived 30 years of a nightmare.

I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this, but if anybody else experienced anything like this, feel free to comment. I still feel like at any second something horrible could happen, even though it’s not, and everything is safe.

Regardless of what the doctors told me, I saw her die. That’s what it looked like; that’s what it sounded like; that’s what it felt like. So my brain can’t get rid of it.

My child is OK; she’s seeing somebody tomorrow. I’m also getting in contact with a therapist. I’m a first responder, so I had some control in the moment, but I feel like it’s caused me to bury it and not address it.