Anyone finds it extremely hard and not natural to fit in eg. among colleagues, but manage to be kind and more of themselves with clients/guests?
I wonder whether it's a BPD trait (I am diagnosed) or more that of autism spectrum or such. It feels like I encage my true personality (helpful, funny, caring) inside me in communities where I should normally fit in. Nobody really knows me, I basically switch off my brain for the 8 working hours (atm I have a light physical job - shelf service - that requires walking from A to B, etc., so communication among colleagues happen mostly when they happen to be next to/pass by each other). I am aware that they probably think I'm weird or maybe even arrogant (?) or such (or even special need, lol), but it's just so f. hard for me to behave the way I should. When it comes organically, I can manage to say a few words to initiate some contact, but tbh, by now, knowing that I'm probably already judged in a way, I don't even take the effort to try to present myself as someone more social. I know though that I too need social interaction cause whenever a customer chooses to walk up to me for help and we interact for the next 1-2mins, my chest and overall mood becomes lighter, self-image better. With them I can be myself and kinder, it's so much easier, like, it's not even a question how should I behave, never in my life - and before this job I always used to work with client/guests - was I rude to anyone whom I was serving in the given role. But it never happens with communities. I only had fun time in workplaces where the number of colleagues I had to interact with was low, eg. I used to be a receptionist, so I was mainly in touch with guests (they liked me), but there was always one security staff on each shifts, I got along very well with them as well.