My transgender journey x
Hi guys :3 it's me Caroline and I feel weird at the moment if you know what I mean so I js want to splurge about it because I don't think I havent fully yk like 'vented' ever since that long gone Ninajarchi review in December of last year but here we are now ig!!! (Hopefully I don't delete this 1 because I'm trying to accept myself more in my identity as a trans women so yea !!!, nonetheless I have this saved on my notes app so if I delete this it's not fully gone ig (?) )
Ok soooo, how's life? Recently life has been really bad. My gender dysphoria is getting worse each day and I'm getting more anxious everyday so yes! But let's get talkin abt it for now. As i said, this review is gonna focus on my transgender identity more than yk like other things so I js wanna get that out of the way, this is a document for me by how the year is going. This review is for any closeted teenagers gay, trans, bi, non binary or anything like that. This is for representation of how someone in pre transitioning stage feels. This is to spread awareness about how transphobia can really take over someone's life and make them feel trapped and scared and in fear. This is also for mental health awareness too and this is also for me so i can see and realise how i changed and evaluated as a person. So if you have something not nice to say, then don't say it. Soooo here it is! Every month documented of the year so far x
January- January was such a shit month. I truly feel like I set my expectations up so high for my coming out dates and also growing out my hair and stuff. So basically let's start fromm idk the 16th. I got some haircut from the barbers and it looked really bad. Like really ugly I'm not even joking like undescribingly hideous lookin. And right after that haircut I legit js rain up and cried for the rest of the day. I bawled my eyes out like I think that was the hardest I've ever cried like ever. Because I truly felt like I was trapped in masculinity, i felt like my journey of hair growth (at the time which was like idfk 3 weeks) was killed. It was ruined, I felt ugly and I felt awful. And then the rest of the month js also felt like a toll on me so yea, January was mid asfff. But I truly feel like I drained myself that much because I had so many coming out dates and transitioning plans. OK so basically this is like a real thing I js got from my phone so here were the dates I planned to come out so it could give me some strength through that month and make me feel like I would get out of that month satisfied.
-January 7th (didn't do) -January 30th (got scared) -February 14th (shut down and went upstairs awkwardly, idk why tf I done that because I was so close to doing it) -February 27th (didn't do) -March 31st (transgender visibility day and also my moms birthday. Didn't do because I felt like it would ruin her 40th + felt selfish) -April 5th (didn't do) And honestly the list just goes on and on and on and on of these specific days I picked out to come out on and Spoiler alert I didn't do any of em but I kinda did like idk how to explain it. But January was just such a weird time for me because I just realised how serious my identity is to me and my life and it also made me just think of like yk how I should cut contact from people who are disapproving of my transition but then I js realised this not that easy which made me feel like shit. It made me feel wrong for wanting to be a women. After at least 5 years of realising I just felt so down in myself at that time. But it wasn't as bad as February- March though because I truly thought I was at my worst until February.
February- Okayyy so February was a terrible month. It wasn't as bad as January but it was still a pretty awful month. In February I didn't really make any plans to become myself or even like express myself other than starting to grow out my hair on the 13th of February but other than that I just felt shit. I felt locked into something and I felt trapped. Other than feeling worse and my dysphoria jumping insanely high I don't really remember anything else from that month. Awful time.
March- March was a month to say the least. March was definitely one of the worst time periods of my life because everyday legit felt like a damn drag. This was the month when I was honestly just fed up with masculinity and I honestly was just trying to express myself in a more feminine way then I usually would but without making it like overly obvious and honestly it didn't work whatsoever which was so damn disappointing for me. I remember every night I used to just lay in bed and play 'Sun Bleached Flies' by Ethel Cain and legit just cry myself to sleep because at that time and the moment Hayden's music to me is just extremely relatable to me at the moment. Her music just gives me like a sense that I'm being heard and the way she writes her songs is just extremely impactful. And ik this isn't for Ethel Cain or Preachers Daughter but one thing I just want to say is that the line 'These crosses all over my body, remind me of who I used to be' hit so fucking hard especially being trans and having to be closeted and trying to put my masculine side away from everything else but its so hard when I have to go around as a male and also yk have male genetics. But either way im going off topic so let's get back on track. On the later half of March I had a 4 day power out which was legit hell but when we were having that power out I was literally just left with a heap of spotify downloads and also like my thoughts and during that whole journey ig the whole realisation of having to come out as trans literally struck me so hard those few short days. I remember when we were having the power out I literally laid down and listened to nearly everything I had on my spotify downloads and picked through some songs to really get me through my gender dysphoria and one of the albums that struck me the hardest during that period of 4 days was ? By bassvictim. I remember first playing it and closing my eyes while thinking of everything that was goin on in my life and literally just crying, ik none of the members of bassvictim are trans but I really felt like they really hit the nail with how it feels to be trans in my opinion with that album. Because when I mean that album is getting me through life it really is getting me through life. I remember bawling my eyes out to 'Sometimes I believe in God (Sometimes I believe in Me)' on the relisten during that time because it truly felt like every song weirdly spoke to me. It was and still is my therapy. Every song feels warm and also heartbreaking and it's just the perfect album for this whole current situation that's going on rn. When I was at my deepest sense of darkness at the last half of March and thought of suicide because of how harsh the world is on trans people and how my family members and dad talks about transgender people this ep was here for me. Like every tear I had that month and all those wasted nights I had just lying down and staring at my ceiling Bassvictim and Ethel Cain's music were playing in the background, especially the whole album of ?. During that terrible month I went through I was on the phone talking to my friend and I was having like a mental breakdown all a sudden I just randomly splurged and said the only reason why I was growing my hair out is because I was trans. And when i came out I genuinely felt the whole world pause. Like I felt like everything stopped, everything went quite and the whole atmosphere went awkward.. like silence but after the couple seconds of silence he literally just said 'bitch idgaf if you're trans' and then the rest of the call went like normal again. I knew he wouldn't care but like I didn't expect him to like js lwk not gaf about it which is really good and I'm glad that he's supportive about it. Like he's only really the only person I can like fully open up to like during this whole moment and I'm honestly really thankful for that. After I came out to him in the month I felt more like confident in myself in a way but also more self cautious iykwim. Like I was happy I did it but for some reason I kinda manipulated myself into thinking that he'll tell everyone (thankfully he isn't) and when I was making myself think that I was js scared and shut down, like in school I'm known for being the annoying loud ragebaiting queer kid but really I'm not like out like that. Because in the summer of 2025 I started getting awful anxiety and at the moment I am trying to get tested for it and honestly it felt and feels so weird because I used to be really bubbly and shit but ever since my dad got deep into 'oh (deadname) you better not be trans or a tra//y* that just struck me so hard and kinda turned me into a ball of negative thoughts. Their are so much I could say about last month and it was definitely one of the worst months of my life and this year period. but honestly I hopefully wanna jinx it and all the rest of the year after April to be great but idk guys. Idfk. 0.1/10 month get out of my face. (At least we got bassvictim, slayyyter and robyn that month cuz if we didn't holy fuck that month would've been a flat 0.)
April (the current month as of writing, and also kind of a landmark in my trans journey)- Sooo April as a month has been pretty mixed honestly. I mean it wasn't as bad as the first 3 months of the year but it still had its downs. And it had like sever downs so let's talk about it. This is going to be the most open I will ever get online or on aoty because this is like really fucking embarrassing what happened to me on the 13th of April so this'll be the only time I ever talk about it but on the 7th of April I bought some women clothes on vinted and like now ok, I don't want to go to in detail about what I bought and all of that because that's just straight up uncomfortable but let's just say my mom found them. I remember I was downstairs and I hear my name being called like really loudly and safe to say I knew what she found and what happened. So my natural response was to lie and say it was for a friend of mine but that was obviously a really bad lie so she went around the house screaming about it and thrown them in the bin outside which I was honestly pretty upset with but I'm honestly ngl to yall I really expected her to find them so I wasn't in a shock it was more of an anxiety and panic because she was screaming saying she was gonna call my dad and shit which I obviously didn't want her to do so after I'd say like 2 or 3 minutes of crying upstairs and hearing her talking about it I unfortunately knew it was my time to come out to her. This was like really weird timing but the night before I came out as gay so like it felt so weird how many things were happening at once with that so I bawled out crying in tears and I talked to her and told her I'm trans and gay but she really just took it as a gay coming out but I took it much more as a trans coming out. On the gay part she was like ohhh I don't care about that it is who you are but on the trans bit she said to me I'm confused and that I'm not trans. The thing is ik who I am and ik im trans, I've known for 6+ years and idk if I added this into the review but a really important part of my trans journey is that I came out to my mom as trans before in May of 2022 so idk why she acted all shocked about it because I feel like she knew already, the only stupid thing I did was uncome out like a month later due to embarrassment and her using it in arguments we used to get sooo honestly the fact that she's still saying I'm confused is mind-bending to me. But either way ig I did one thing this month which was extremely important to me and this whole journey is that I came out as trans so ig that's good. So honestly nothing that much 'important' has happened in my trans journey other than that like one experience other than coming out so the 14th-24th were honestly not that bad. Until like the 25th I was talking to my mom and I was getting these like weird ass messages from someone and I was talking to my mom about it and then I said 'I'm scared of coming out as trans' and then she js said I'm not trans even though I am. She said its all in my head and it's on my phone and that I never came out to her on summer of 2022 even though I did and she mentions it a lot and that I am just gay. The message I got sent where just really something along the lines of 'oh you're gay and idc but you are not a tra--y' so obviously I was yk a little upset and worried about coming out to this person after those texts lol. And also the day I am writing this part (28/04/26) when I like legit came home from school on the 27th my mom was like looking through everyones cert stuff and should me mine and it said like sex- male and she was like basically shoving it in my face being like what does that say? and then said you're not a girl /////// you're not trans. And js started laughing about it and making jokes about it but the thing is that hurts. But yk at least she knows ig. I did expect her to act a little more better but at it is what it is ig. This month wasn't to bad honestly, its like a 5/10 eh month.
Ok so after writing all of that which took me like nearly a week now I want to kinda analyse this. Analyse how im feeling now and also just really look over my experience of excepting that I'm trans. In 2020 I kinda realised I might be, set with it until June of 2022 and then I came out to my mom which she was fine about it but then i guess I went back into the closet like a month later. Then 2023-2025 I tried to convince myself I wasn't trans but now I've just came to terms with it and now im just excepting that I am who I am. I mean yes I'm afraid to publicly come out, like my dad throws around the t slur like it's a ball and also uses it to me and tells me I better not be a they/them either. I also have some friends who are extremely transphobic too who think trans people should basically die and are fake and yes they are judgement around the world about it but the thing is truly they are just insecure about theirselves. They don't have anything else better to do other than hate on other people for wanting to expressive theirselves even though we are doing nothing wrong about it and literally just existing. It's stupid and just unfortunate, transphobia scares people from truly being who they are and makes people feel pressured no matter what age they are to stay in a shell of sadness. It's unfair and stupid and it can literally lead to suicide for people. So whoever you are reading this, don't be transphobic. Because transphobia is real and it's something people have to put up with like every single day. Its unfair. This also goes out to homophobia as well. No one should feel belittled just because of who they wanna get freaky and tweaky with or identity with, just plain stupid. And also before I end this off I may write about ?. ? Is really comforting to me rn, it gives me a sense of warmth and the whole sound of the ep is just warm to me, it's like a cup of tea. Don't Stop Me Now has made me cry because it honestly makes me think of when I finally transition and no one can stop me and I can't be free out of this mess. Sometimes I Believe in God also made me tear up a little bit too. Especially the line 'And work, and I go out All this time I live in fear, but it's gone now We're late, there I go now' just hit really hard and especially the was Maria sings it as well. Another song which also made me feel comforted was Babcia Jadiza which is a 7 minute masterpiece which is about seeing your grandmother. But honestly it made me think of my dad. It made me think about all of the times we go on the phone on the weekdays and just talk about nothing and how I can loose it all by him finding out my true identity. Upsetting but weirdly comforting. Overall ? is truly a masterpiece, I truly recommend you to listen to it ASAP. And also if you're still here and read all of ts (somehow idk) tysm. And ALSO!!! about the Harry Styles review and people saying it was engagement bait my response to that was yes and no. Because I planned to come out around that time either way but I didnt expect it to blow up like it did lol. Well, bye for now!! And also I left yall a little few songs that helped and are helping me through these tought times and here they all are. *there's about like 50 so you can skip this part*
Champagne Coast- Blood Orange I Belong In Your Arms- Japanese Version- Charilfit My Sputnik Sweetheart- Weatherday I Believe- Caroline Polachek Welcome To My Island- Caroline Polachek Celestica- Crystal Castles iPod Touch- Ninajarchi Is It Cold In The Water?- SOPHIE Immaterial- SOPHIE forever- Charli xcx Thoughts- Charli xcx Wall of Sound- Charli xcx party 4 u- Charli xcx Cheerleader- Porter Robinson Xcxoplex- A. G. Cook and Charli xcx Nervous Young Inhumans- Car Seat Headrest Beach Life- In- Death- Car Seat Headrest Dream On- Robyn Philautia- samlrc $0- Cameron Winter revisisted- Willy Rodriguez Go As a Dream- Caroline Polachek detonate- Charli xcx Pang- Caroline Polachek Hit Me Where It Hurts- Caroline Polachek American Teenager- Ethel Cain Run Away With Me- Carly Rae Jepsen Dream Sequence- Jane Remover Flash in the Pan- Jane Remover Vanished- Crystal Castles 27a Pitfield St- Bassvictim Dopamine- Robyn Sometimes I Believe in God (Sometimes I Believe in Me)- Bassvictim Sun Bleached Flies- Ethel Cain I'm sorry, King- Bassvictim Not Strong Enough- boygenius Going Home- Bassvictim WHAT IS FOREVER FOR- Frost Children Strangers- Ethel Cain It's You- Ninajarchi, daine The Dogs of War- Bassvictim Reliquia- ROSALÍA Dirge- Bassvictim Home- Bassvictim Babcia Jadzia- Bassvictim Home!!! (wake up)- Bassvictim DISNEY PRINCESS- Melanie Martinez A House In Nebraska- Ethel Cain Temptest- Ethel Cain Fuck Me Eyes- Ethel Cain Pop Sound- Kim Petras The Peace- underscores
Again, tysm 4 reading, love yall x -Caroline