u/Comfortable-Point740

Hello therapists and lurkers! I’ve (20F) been having some issues with both of my parents (separately) dumping all of their problems on me (usually in their marriage).

I want both of my parents to be happy and get out of their rough patch, but I know it isn’t my responsibility. I have sugguested therapy to my dad, but it was a passive sugguestion which he has brushed off.

I think that if i really sat him down and told him that I was worried about him, he would listen (he’s not anti-therapy like some stereotypical men can be). I think he might be depressed and for the past year or so he has been on autopilot (work, phone, sleep, repeat). He’s very sensitive and he tends to find a deeper, more dramatic meaning in any “criticism” he recieves. I just know that if I’m not careful about how I bring it up, he’ll feel like I’m calling him lazy.

My mom goes to individual therapy but I think she would benefit from counseling with my dad there to hold her accountable. She does have bad habit of twisting stories to her benefit and my dads detriment. Issues in other areas of her life seem to be getting better and I’m happy she has a space to talk about it, but she still treats my dad pretty bad. She can go days without talking to him for little to no reason. It’s like she turns into a different person when dealing with him vs. my siblings and I.

I’m worried that if I tell my parents (either individually or together) that I am not the right person to hear their venting, I am pretty sure my mom will blame my dad and get mad at him, making his situation worse. However he does vent to me more than my mom. I just can see tha both my parents are unhappy in their marriage and obviously I want happiness for both of them.

If anyone has advice as to how I should approach setting the boundary with them that I don’t want to be the family therapist, and if I should talk to them separatley or individually, or really anything else I am open to hearing all advice or thoughts.

I (20F) am in college and come home on most weekends for work. My school doesn’t allow me to have a car, so my parents very kindly come and pick me up from and take me back to school on weekends (it’s about 45 min to an hour). My mom usually picks me up and my dad usually drops me off. My parents both take that hour to tell me everything that’s wrong in their lives, and more specifically, how miserable their marriage has made them that week. I try to just sit and tune out, and try to give advice where I can.

My dad is a sweet and sensitive (often to his detriment) guy and he loves me and my siblings very much (I am the middle of three kids). My other siblings are both on the moodier side and tend to use my dad as a bit of a punching bag, as my mom is the scarier authoritarian of the household. My dad has convinced himself that everyone hates him and often tells me that he wonders if we would be happier without him (I’m unsure of what specifically he is implying, obviously a concerning statement)

My mom is a very stressed woman who cares very much about me and my siblings. She spreads herself so thin and though I love her and all that she does for us, it’s pretty easy to tell she has some control issues. To put it bluntly, she thinks my dad is an idiot and she is pretty icy to him. If my dad says or does something wrong, she can go days barely saying a word to him. My other siblings (who both live at home) tend to follow suit.

Sorry about the dump about both of their problems, but hey if I have to endure it, I’m taking you all down with me.

I’ve been inching closer to a “breaking point” or whatever you’d like to call it. I am starting to consider sitting them both down and telling them to go to couples therapy. I think they went for a bit during Covid when they hit another rough patch, but have since stopped. My dad isn’t much of a therapy guy and brushed off my sugguestion of individual counseling. My mom does go to therapy herself, but I doubt she spends much time talking about my dad. She has a lot of life on her plate right now (work, family illness), and if she does it’s likely she tells her side of the story so far from the truth that she wouldn’t get appropriate advice. I have personally heard her vent to friends and family about situations that played out pretty different in reality (usually making my dad out to be an ass). I’m not sure if she actually believes it or if she knows she’s twisting it. I get her at her best, so I don’t see that side of her often anymore.

I’ve gotten to the point that last night I had a dream where they told me that they were getting divorced and I was relieved. I don’t want them to separate, but they are clearly both miserable and I think that taking on this mediator role any longer would strain my relationship with both of them. I find myself excited to see my family less and less and I don’t want that to be the case, I want to love my family.

Thanks for sticking around to the end of the post if you did, I’m just lying awake and needed to rant a bit, hopefully I’ll sleep better now.