Struggling with body image (Rant)
I'm so fucking ugly. And even though I know that's not true...
I'm not okay with being "just above average" or having the face that's cute or kind of pretty.
I want to be striking and gorgeous and be able to
experience lust. I want to be hot. I want to be wanted for my body. I need something when it feels like so much was taken from me. So much medical shit and hard things in my life that just make me want desire and to be liked more than anything.
But I don't want fake. I don't want to get my hair done and whiten my teeth and wear makeup. This matters so much to me because I found out at 17 that I'm sterile and have to take hormones because my body doesn't make them. I have POI, and got it in the middle of puberty before I even fully developed. I also have a hypo-plastic uterus. By the time I found out I hadn’t had estrogen for over 2 years. Also insufficient in vitamin D and low in testosterone. And I found out at 18 that I have a rare blood disorder that causes me to be at very high risk for a lot of different cancers. I have FANCD1 Fanconi anemia. And cancer for me cannot be treated, they have to be caught quickly and taken out or there's really nothing you can do. And I have decided not to do anything other than HRT for POI right now. I know this is a lot and that I need therapy. I also know this is messy and not written well lol. Not really looking for advice.