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I was leaving Mother’s Day with my LDS mom while listening to this song, and it hit me like a train.

Growing up in the church, I felt deeply disconnected from myself. I was anxious, depressed, and constantly trying to fit into something that didn’t feel right for me. Leaving the church was painful and complicated, but ultimately it was one of the healthiest decisions I’ve ever made. I know Mormonism genuinely helps some people. For me, it caused a lot of pain.

When my parents divorced, a lot of my siblings and I stopped going to church. It wasn’t some dramatic rebellion, we just finally had the space to ask ourselves what we actually believed and to decide for ourselves how we were going to navigate life and faith.

But it felt like my mom’s entire side of the family interpreted us leaving the church as us leaving them.

We stopped being invited to things. We were treated like disappointments. Family members would pressure us to say prayers at gatherings or give family home evening lessons even though they knew we were uncomfortable with that. We were labeled reactive and rebellious and they were and still are very vocal about their disapproval.

The divorce alone was already devastating for my siblings and me. Feeling emotionally abandoned by extended family on top of that cut incredibly deep. It left me constantly wondering: does leaving the church mean I’m no longer part of the family? Would they rather I had stayed Mormon and miserable just going through the motions than be honest with myself?

My morals didn’t change. My love for my family didn’t change. I still wanted relationships with them. I still wanted to know them and be known by them. But it felt like they thought the old me was dead, even though I was still standing right there asking to be loved. Even though I was still me.

This song captures that grief so perfectly to me — wanting to repair a relationship even if it will never be perfect. Wanting connection anyway. Wanting to stop feeling like your existence became a disappointment and inconvenience because you aren’t following the path they wanted for you. Wanting leaving the church to not mean our relationship is dead.

I miss my family. I miss feeling close to them. I wish our difference in faith wasn’t something that had to create a rift. I wish we could still feel like part of their family.

I was leaving Mother’s Day with my LDS mom while listening to this song, and it hit me like a train.

Growing up in the church, I felt deeply disconnected from myself. I was anxious, depressed, and constantly trying to fit into something that didn’t feel right for me. Leaving the church was painful and complicated, but ultimately it was one of the healthiest decisions I’ve ever made. I know Mormonism genuinely helps some people. For me, it caused a lot of pain.

When my parents divorced, a lot of my siblings and I stopped going to church. It wasn’t some dramatic rebellion, we just finally had the space to ask ourselves what we actually believed and to decide for ourselves how we were going to navigate life and faith.

But it felt like my mom’s entire side of the family interpreted us leaving the church as us leaving them.

We stopped being invited to things. We were treated like disappointments. Family members would pressure us to say prayers at gatherings or give family home evening lessons even though they knew we were uncomfortable with that. We were labeled reactive and rebellious and they were and still are very vocal about their disapproval.

The divorce alone was already devastating for my siblings and me. Feeling emotionally abandoned by extended family on top of that cut incredibly deep. It left me constantly wondering: does leaving the church mean I’m no longer part of the family? Would they rather I had stayed Mormon and miserable just going through the motions than be honest with myself?

My morals didn’t change. My love for my family didn’t change. I still wanted relationships with them. I still wanted to know them and be known by them. But it felt like they thought the old me was dead, even though I was still standing right there asking to be loved. Even though I was still me.

This song captures that grief so perfectly to me — wanting to repair a relationship even if it will never be perfect. Wanting connection anyway. Wanting to stop feeling like your existence became a disappointment and inconvenience because you aren’t following the path they wanted for you. Wanting leaving the church to not mean our relationship is dead.

I miss my family. I miss feeling close to them. I wish our difference in faith wasn’t something that had to create a rift. I wish we could still feel like part of their family.