u/Comfortable_File5681

I am not sure if I have an ED. I dont think I do because I am a bit fat /overweight but I worry a lot about what I eat. I eat one or two apples for breakfast, some cheese for lunch and then I try to eat a small dinner (sometimes I wish I had the strength not to eat an evening meal). I feel shame when I eat, especially if people see me but also when I am by myself. A couple of people told me recently that I had lost a lot of weight but I know I am overweight. Sometimes I make myself throw up but only when I have eaten too much

Does anyone else feel this way? I honestly feel as if I never want to eat a lot of food again. I feel ashamed when other people see me eat. I am afraid I will lose friends being like this.

I am wondering if my thinking about food is normal or not. I think I am eating enough or maybe more than enough. Yesterday for example, I had a small chop with a thin layer of gravy, a handful of carrot and cucumber, 3/4 of a cup of rice and two bowls of fruit salad (orange, apple, red grapes, watermelon). I felt guilty after having a second bowl of fruit. I dont eat that exactly every day but try to eat a similar amount.

I have been eating less since my mother died of cancer last year. I was told as she was dying that it would be my fault if she died because I was cooking for her and I am not a good cook. I sat with her in hospital trying to feed her as much as I could but she gradually lost her consciousness. Ever since then, I have struggled to eat. I know it is not normal so I try to avoid social gatherings with food. Just in the last few days, I caught up with some friends. Because I had travelled a long way, I felt I had to eat with them but they noticed I was not eating much. Since then I notoced some distance between us.I am heartbroken because I realise this is impacting on me socislly. Wishing it was not like this