23M who is about to try self-imposed training regimen everyday until the end of the year (31st December).
Throughout the past couple of months I've lamented alot. My life has been a endless cycle of mediocrity and indulgence in self destructive behaviour, reflecting introspectively. The final nail in the coffin was dropping out from a Master's programme and a hard breakup preceding it, a relationship which was built on lies, self loathing and trauma dumping; something about finding solace in dwelling upon each other's misery. I decided this couldn't continue any longer at the start of the year. I have a failing eyesight (minus 6 myopia for both of my eyes) which makes my literal and figurative vision bleak. My immune system is weak considering I'm dependent on Antihistamines. I dislike the side effects for I wasn't able to play any sport seriously. The antidepressants (SSRIs) and anti anxiety pills had entirely killed my motivations for sustaining an adequate quality of life.
Life isn't a novella, where characters can push each other to grow and get over it. For me, it wasn't. Death and betrayal plaqued my life leading upto the present. Common men and women are powerless against it. Forget being the top 1% in which wealth and relationships can distract you long enough until your untimely demise. Perhaps, this meaningless rambling is something I conjured in the heat of post nut clarity. It took months for my libido to return. I've been finding it hard to stay disciplined by the cold and uncaring nature of what my future holds. Worthless platitudes such as "living in the moment" is a dream sold to many. It only creates confirmation bias. I don't have hopes for a better life. I only want to make it until my 60s. That's the only way I'll be able to fulfill certain obligations. Unfortunately I'm not even capable of joining the workforce unless I get my act together. My degree as an English major is also more or less useless due to the advent of Al. Couple of prompt engineering is enough to replicate high performing scholars.
This is my last phase of trial and error. If I can't even put myself to exercise and push my physical limits consistently, I won't be able to make it. I'll return to update on my progress. Hope I'll last until the 31st of December.
With regards,
An irresponsible struggler.