Wife's depression/ADHD/ ruining my work and life
I guess I'm looking for advice/rant.
My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. She's from another country and moved to US on a visa. In the last 2 years we've had 2 children. Wife has always been a rather disorganized, emotionally immature, and on rare occasions explosive person. But her mood swings and depression have gotten progressively worse since having kids, and my ability to handle them has also gotten worse as I'm also tired and overloaded.
I won't get too much into the past, but lately her, likely post-pardum depression is horrible. For example, she has a full time job she likes where she works 3-12 hour shifts a week. For 8 straight weeks she's called off at least 1 out of the 3 days she's worked. I have to be her adult and wake her up to go to work, otherwise she'd be considerably late every day. There are times where she whines and cries like a 3 year old because I wake her up at 8am so she won't be late.
The worse part, on days I work, she struggles so much to get up to watch our children that I have been significantly late to my job. When I push the issue, she can become very vindictive, and walk out the house, leaving me with the children. If I sneak out, she'll message me telling me she's leaving the house and to "get your kids" causing me to come back. I've had numerous days I called out myself simply because my wife refused to watch our children. I'm fortunate that my job is somewhat flexible and I can work at home at times but I can never focus as I'm also trying to watch my children. Also WFH is only about 40-50% of my actual hours I can work.
She blames me constantly for her unhappiness. Tells me I don't love her because of this reason or that reason. She tells me I'm the sole reason she's depressed, how she hates this country, and misses her home. I admit, my feelings have definitely dropped for her and I've built a good bit of resentment due to how she reacts to me and treats me. I have also said some bad stuff myself that I regret.
But I've also been doing better with trying to support her. I moved my schedule around to allow her to sleep more. I wake up nightly with my kids and haven't gotten 7-8 hours of straight sleep for months. Most nights its 4-6 hours. I cook breakfast for her and try to come home early when I am away at work. I've also dropped some work load even though we really can't afford it.
She is seeking help. She's in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. She's on a few different medications but she takes them intermittently or not as she should. We are also in marriage counseling. So I've seen some improvement when she is on her medication but worsening when she is off to the point where I've been tempted to call behavioral health or police.
We thought about solutions, like her taking a trip for a month or so back to her country but she'd likely lose her job (we need her income) and I have no one to watch the kids. I also don't trust her that she'd even return to allow her to take the kids with her.
We've talked about her not having to work and stay home with the kids but she can't handle that responsibility either. I'd also have to work longer hours which she doesn't want. We've gotten a nanny for 2 evenings a week. I watch our kids the 3 days she works. She only really has our kids a full day on Sundays by herself. The rest of the days she has me or help. We can't afford full time day care for both kids, especially when my wife is so flaky with her job.
I've really been considering divorce but I also have that guilt side of me that says I shouldn't give up on this person. I also worry about being destroyed financially. I do love her but just at my breaking point and it's ruining my career and ability to provide for my family. The arguments and break downs are also affecting my oldest child as she sees this all going down. I feel hopeless like this will never get better and I'll continue wasting my life with this person.
Any advice, shared history, or support would help. Thanks
TLDR: Wife with post-pardum is neglecting job and family, and refusing to watch kids, preventing me from working at times. I am at my breaking point and not sure what to do.