What should I do with this rupture?
I need help with this issue that I am not sure how to fix, I am kind of at crossroads here because I was with this therapist for 1 year and a half, it was on and off but he was always kind and supportive. I would say he is more towards the passive side and I always hoped that with time it would be more direct but it didn’t.
However we do have great rapport and our therapeutic relationship has always been great, professional, a bit of disclosure that helps me relate.
Recently, I have been opening up to him more than I have with any other person in my life and it has been helping me unload because I am used to masking what I feel.
In the session before the last, he was helping me with a guided meditation then I had a panic attack because I don’t do well with that type of meditation because of sensory issues and he told me I must have been “damaged, not fully but definitely some parts in me are damaged” and that I should be referred to someone with more experience because of my past which had severe childhood abuse that I never gave details of, he just knows it happened and that took a lot from both of us for me to reach that level of trust in him to disclose that.
After the session I emailed him saying that it made me sad that after he knew me for one year and a half that he would describe me as “damaged” because I worked so hard to retain who I am and I believe I am whole. And I was confused if we are ending sessions because of the referral part. He replied saying let’s arrange a session to talk about it and that referring me was just a thought and not the only possibility and that as long as I am benefitting from the sessions that we should continue doing them.
During our session, I explained that I feel so sad for myself , that I allowed him to say something like this to me because there is nothing wrong with me, I felt like I am something ugly, that should be disposed of because that’s what damage feels like to me. I told him I am grateful for my past because it made me who I am and who I am is someone who is strong.
I said I can’t imagine ever saying something like this to anyone because the more I know someone the more I find them beautiful because their story makes sense to me not that they are damaged.
He said can he take it back and I said yes, that I forgive him and I do, I really do. But I told him I don’t think I will continue sessions with him because I feel like why would I choose to go to a place by my own will for someone to say to me that I am basically broken.
He understood and we ended sessions. It was really a sweet ending because we ended it with laughter and just lovely words. Again I don’t blame him at all, when I think of him, I think he is a really kind person and I have no anger towards him at all.
However ever since then every time someone asks me a question I keep having mini panic attacks that if I say the wrong thing they will think I am damaged too or that there is something wrong with me and I also have this fear that I will get a panic attack in public and it’s almost like I am having panic attacks about having panic attacks because my last experience led to someone believing I am damaged.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should email him or just try to push through and it will reduce by its own because we already ended our therapeutic relationship and I don’t want to make him feel bad and make him feel like it’s his fault.
It’s not like he can do anything about it.
For reference he does think I am autistic, low support needs.
What should I do, can you guys help with this?