u/Commercial-Panda6864

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You know what's the best part of praying Fajr every day on the balcony?

It's watching the sky change its shades. When you start praying, the sky is dark, and everything is shrouded in a dense curtain of darkness, with the moon being the only source of light. Then as you are praying, slowly slowly the sky begins to change its shades.

By the time you finish praying, the moon is gone and the sky is lit up again, the sun has risen, the sky is clear and everything is bathed in its rays.

That gives me hope. Sometimes, life feels like this caliginous sky, you can't see anything, no direction, no routes. Even the moon won't be there sometimes.

But like the sun never stops rising, in the same way, your life never stays dark always. The rays of happiness, eventually finds your way.

Life isn't linear but cyclic. Just like the moon and sun has its own syncing rhythm, so does your life.

You'll be depressed, you will be happy, you'll be heartbroken and again fall in love eventually.

If you keep on clinging to the hope or despair that only one of the phases is going to be stagnant, you'll never truly be happy.

Yes, I have been heartbroken but if I keep clinging to the caliginous sky of my sorrows, I'll never find my sunrise again.

And if I hadn't experienced the nights, this serenity of the dawn wouldn't have held the value, as it does now.

I recently went through a breakup with my online boyfriend of a few months, and I genuinely don’t know whether I’m overreacting, villainizing him unfairly, or if my confusion is understandable. I’d really appreciate a neutral perspective because my emotions are all over the place right now.

We met on a gaming/roleplaying app. Initially, I only wanted to keep things within the game because after my previous breakup and some bad experiences with men in general, I became extremely cautious about emotional attachment. I didn’t want to get close to anyone romantically or even platonically.

He was the one who kept trying to talk to me outside the game. He flirted a lot, but never in a disrespectful or creepy way, which is honestly why I slowly let my guard down. We started talking constantly, basically 24/7.

Within literally the first week, he was already talking about wanting to visit me someday even though we live in completely different countries. Within around two weeks, he wanted to date me officially, but I refused because I was terrified of relationships at that point. I had been single for almost 3 years after a very painful breakup, and I told him directly that relationships scared me.

Still, he kept pursuing me patiently. Over time I genuinely started feeling safe with him. I slowly realized he actually seemed like a sweet, emotionally intelligent guy who treated me well. Eventually, after around a month of talking, I finally agreed to date him officially.

The first 1.5 months of the relationship were honestly amazing. He was affectionate, attentive, loving, reassuring, everything. I genuinely thought I had finally found a good man after years of avoiding commitment.

He would constantly talk about the future. He talked about visiting me, about us eventually living together somehow, even joking about moving countries. At one point he even told his family about me and discussed how he could potentially travel to my country someday. He’d call me, spam me affectionately, tell me he loved me over and over during calls.

That’s why everything afterward became so confusing to me.

Around April, he suddenly brought up that there was a “possibility” we might have to break up in the future because his workload and schedule were going to become much heavier in the upcoming days and it'll last for 1-2years.

This completely blindsided me because up until then, everything felt loving and stable. I spiraled emotionally during that conversation because to me, if someone is talking about breakup possibilities while we’re happily together, obviously that’s terrifying. But he insisted he was NOT breaking up with me and that it was only a hypothetical discussion.

What confused me even more is that during the same call, we became EVEN MORE serious emotionally. We started openly talking about marriage, long-term future plans, where we’d live, growing old together, everything.

So in my mind, I naturally assumed the “breakup possibility” was no longer actually on the table. Why would I think otherwise when someone is actively planning a future with me every single day?

Then toward the end of April, he randomly brought up breakup possibilities again. This especially shocked me because during the weeks before that, he had been intensely future-planning with me.

That honestly shook me because it felt like emotional whiplash.

I even told him directly at one point, “Please don’t break up with me before my exams.” I was already going through a horrible period mentally and emotionally due to family pressure, exam stress, and personal issues.

Then a few days before the breakup, we had another long emotional conversation. He said it was becoming exhausting to constantly measure his words around me because whenever breakup possibilities or uncertainty came up, I’d spiral emotionally(though he did say he understood my situation and told me not to blame myself for it).

To be fair, I do admit I struggle with anxiety and overthinking. But at the same time, the ONLY topic that consistently triggered me was this repeated breakup uncertainty. I felt like he kept saying “I’m not breaking up with you” while simultaneously repeatedly introducing breakup as an option into the relationship.

He also kept emphasizing that the “practical” choice would be breakup due to the future workload, but that “love” was the reason he was still trying.

That wording honestly confused me deeply because it felt like emotionally he was halfway in and halfway out at the same time.

The weirdest part is that despite all these difficult conversations, he was still loving and affectionate literally until the final day. On the day of the breakup itself, the call STARTED sweetly and normally. He was talking affectionately to me like always.

Then during the same call, we started discussing the upcoming work schedule again. I simply admitted that the constant uncertainty about whether we were staying together or not was making me anxious because I felt like I was emotionally standing on two boats at once, trying to build a future while simultaneously preparing for heartbreak.

That’s when he suddenly said he thought the practical decision was to break up.

I asked him what he actually wanted. He said he felt pressured juggling work and the relationship already, and when work became even heavier, he wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally.

This hurt me deeply because throughout the relationship, I had genuinely been extremely supportive of his schedule. I never got angry if he gamed after work, needed space, was tired, busy, or unavailable. I always tried to make things easier for him, not harder.

And yet within basically a 30-minute call, we went from talking lovingly to suddenly being broken up.

That’s the part I genuinely cannot process emotionally.

After the breakup, I still acted very amicably. The next day, though, I sent him a very long emotional message expressing everything I had been holding in, then blocked him everywhere, even though he wanted to stay connected, because I knew I would never emotionally move on if I stayed connected to him.

I think what’s hardest for me to understand is how someone can spend weeks talking about forever with you, discussing marriage and future plans, acting deeply in love, reassuring you constantly, only to suddenly leave because of anticipated future pressure before even trying to go through it together.

I know he wasn’t a bad person. That’s part of why this hurts so much. If he had treated me badly, this would honestly be easier to process.

I’m trying really hard not to villainize him because I know he was stressed too, and maybe he genuinely became overwhelmed internally in ways I couldn’t fully see.

But emotionally, it’s still very difficult not to feel abandoned, especially because this happened during one of the lowest points of my life and right before important exams.

This relationship was my first serious attempt at genuinely opening my heart again after years of fear and emotional avoidance, which is probably why the breakup affected me so intensely.

I’d really appreciate neutral opinions or perspectives because right now I genuinely feel emotionally lost.