u/CommercialAdvisor892

At the age of 8 years old, I was sexually assaulted by an older boy, a boy he was in middle school and was taller than me. I never told an adult because at the time I knew that I would never be allowed at my friend's house again since it was her older cousin who touched me. He made it seem like innocent fun at first, playing around until he grabbed my boob in the closet when all the other kids ran out. He then played on top of me when I was lying down on my best friend’s bed and slowly started putting his hand down my pants. I pushed him off in fear and went home that day feeling weird, not knowing that getting no help that day would affect my mental health in the upcoming years. At the age of 12, I started sexualizing myself; I knew at the time that for guys I was undesirable to date unless I sexualized myself. I would constantly message guys and talk about my own body in a way that no child should be describing it as. I would constantly text 15-year-olds and send provocative photos so that I could feel love. I didn’t know that as the years went on, I would get worse since this became a habit; at the age of 14, my brother passed away, and I was devastated. To pass time during COVID, I started dating a 20-year-old online. We would call all night and play all day. I was infatuated with him; I was in love with how he treated me, how he would surprise me by buying me games online and even having time at night to release “dopamine” with me through FaceTime. We talked for months until he randomly ended things one day, saying he felt guilty, and from then on he disappeared from my life... he was nowhere to be found, almost like it was all a dream and never real. As time passed, I started playing with my brother’s best friend; I always had a crush on him and started developing more than just a crush on him. He knew that, and he started feeling ways towards me too... he was at the time 22. We talked on and off throughout all my high school years. He had his fingers all in the folds of my brain, and the first time he cut it off, I went crazy. I disconnected myself from reality and spent time in my room for days and thought of him for hours on end. It wasn’t until I reached college that I finally cut him off completely, since I set boundaries between us and he could not follow them; yet, he got upset when the one time I overstepped boundaries was my last straw with it all. I haven’t had a good experience dating men since every time I sleep with them I feel guilt. I feel gross, and the experience of them going in me isn’t for my pleasure but for theirs. Dating always feels so great, and I want to have sex; I want to make love, yet I feel nothing... no love, no excitement, almost like it's an assignment that I am forced to do. No one has forced me into sex before, yet it always feels that way. I go to therapy and take medication but I still can't seem to be honest with my therapist or tell my parents about it even though I am 20 years old now. I sometimes tell my friends but not the full truth, usually I laugh it off but never tell them that it affects me with sexualizing myself and how I can't have sex with it feeling wrong. What do I do?