Wonderful boyfriend doesn’t seem like a good parent
I 49F have been dating a 48M for about a year. Overall, our relationship has been genuinely good. He’s caring, consistent, affectionate, energetic with me, and has never been cruel or disrespectful toward me. He’s very positive and encouraging.
He has 8-year-old twins that he sees every other weekend due to distance from his ex-wife. I’ve spent time with him and the kids on multiple occasions now, and I’ve started noticing a pattern that’s really unsettling me.
Around me, he’s upbeat, engaged, funny, energetic, and emotionally present. Around his kids, though, he becomes extremely flat, dull, monotone, low-energy, and almost emotionally shut down. It’s like he seems drained by their presence and just goes into this lifeless version of himself. The contrast is honestly quite shocking. At first I thought he was probably drained from the week or the previous activities he did with the kid but it seems like he is always this way with the kids plus he only has them 4 days a month.
I started seeing a side of him that feels emotionally immature, poorly regulated, and very different from the version of him I experience one-on-one.
Now I feel confused because the relationship between us has otherwise been very loving and stable. Part of me wonders if I’m overreacting to stress/parenting dynamics, while another part of me feels like I may be seeing who he really is. I honestly feel sad for the children. I guess I’m looking for advice on which is his true personality and if anyone has been through something similar. Will I end up with the version that the children see once the honeymoon period is over? I have lost a lot of respect for him as a parent and feel that this relationship needs to end.