Separated from my partner but still love my SD(7)
First time poster. I don’t know all the acronyms and have tried to follow the posting rules, my apologies if I haven’t.
Last week I found out my partner (both of us late 30s/early 40s) has been cheating on me with the ex between her husband (father of 7yo) and when we met. It has been 4 or 5 times I’ve caught her in inappropriate, flirtatious, sexual and loving conversations with him via message (yes, I’ve snooped through her phone and felt dreadful about invading her privacy, regardless of the irony), and each time she begged forgiveness and a resolve (that I believed) that the ex was out of her life. Each time I believed her, and actually I still believe she believed it herself when she told me, only for it to eventually restart.
Anyway, that’s the preamble.
Over the past 4 years, SD and I have developed an incredible and loving bond. I thrive when I get to do her bath, put her to bed, pick her up from school, dress her, cuddle her, read my childhood stories to her, etc etc. I adore her, she loves me and tells me as much, most recently over the past few months progressing to “you’re like my 2nd daddy” and “I’m basically your kid”.
Although, for numerous reasons, her mother and I didn’t live together, we are three doors apart on the same road and are always at her house or mine so are ‘essentially’ living together in one house or the other. Or rather, ‘were’ always at her house or mine. SD will run up and knock or let herself into my house, as she has always been allowed to do.
And now my ex has explained to her daughter that despite us both loving her so very much, we are having grown up problems that mean we can’t be together any more and I will no longer be entering their house. Poor SD is bereft, telling us both individually how sad it makes her, that she thought I wanted to marry her mummy, how can she help us be friends again.
My ex is open about being happy for SD to see me as much or as little as she wants within the new boundaries.
I don’t know how to move forwards with SD (I have no idea how to move forwards with her mother, but that is a whole separate issue, thread, Reddit, year of intense therapy, 18 pages (front and back) letter of thoughts - she wants a reconciliation, either immediately or one to work towards in the future, and I have no idea whether I want any future with her at all, despite how much I love her, because I feel revolted, hurt, disgusted, angry abs broken) because I’m crazy about her and want to ensure this separation does not leave SD feeling abandoned, unloved or guilty.
I see a few possible futures (whether now or 6/12/24 months down the line):
- mother and I reconcile inappropriately, relationship breaks down again, SD is further traumatised
- reconcile appropriately, happy ever after, hooray!
- no reconciliation, SD drifts away and eventually sees me less and less and forgets/moves on
- no reconciliation, SD stays very much in my life and sees me as kindly/loving neighbour/family friend figure
- no reconciliation and SD struggles more and more with me ‘abandoning’ her
I’m so stuck, so lost and so broken. I don’t know what to do to help myself, and I feel the immense responsibility and love for a fragile, innocent and gentle SD.
Does my attempting to help and love SD actually make things worse for her in the long run? Does it make it worse for me to keep immersing myself in the love of the girl who I intended to unofficially adopt, raise and treat as my own (and I already ‘see’ her as such).
Any biological parents, what are your thoughts?
Separately, step parents and those who WERE step parents, any thoughts?
Broken and alone, struggling to stay sober, but safe and in no way at risk of harming myself.