TW: mentions of SA and being groomed
I’m (20F) the type of person that will feel guilty if i don’t give my partner (19M) sex, i’ll feel like i’m going to loose him or that he won’t be as nice to me if i don’t fulfil him sexually.
My partner hasn’t done anything to warrant this reaction, he’s very understanding and patient with me and he’ll never want me to do anything i’m not up for.
I think it stems from when i was younger i was groomed online for around 3 years consistently, along with being SA’ed by a close guy friend of mine when i was a teen. My mother neglected me due to substance abuse, and my father had passed, so i got all my praise and attention from sex and doing lewd acts online when i was an early teen.
i keep on shutting down during sexual acts. But it’s worse than that, i still feel sick over the situation sometimes days afterwards.
My partner will still be playfully lewd with me after i’ve expressed that i don’t think i’m up for going further sexually and going into sexting. I know he just does it to be playful and maybe make things less heavy, but it really triggers me. I think if i told him this it would upset him.
He wants to improve my relationship with sex, but i can’t stop crying and shutting down and then feeling awful about not being able to fulfill him
what should i do?
i just want to feel better about sex