u/Competitive-Major-57

I’ve been reading through all these Reddit posts since I’m unfortunately a FA. I know people like me are the worst, if you recognize someone is avoidant DO NOT DATE THEM. I’ve been off and on with my ex girlfriend because of it and I can’t imagine the pain I’ve put that poor woman through. (Feel free to shame me below)

In the two months we have been broken up now I’ve realized that I don’t want to be like this. I just don’t know how to break this cycle. I get so close to her or even friends and I suddenly just get this uncontrollable urge to run away. Combine this with the stress of life I just shutdown and I don’t know I genuinely just take the easy option and run. The difference with friends is I can just go without talking to them for a bit (I know it’s not the right thing to do it’s just all I know unfortunately). Someone mentioned how avoidants feel shame and I think that’s a pretty big point. I feel so ashamed of myself all the time especially when it comes to relationships. I get so close and then I shutdown. The worst part is after I breakup, I feel relief for maybe 1-2 weeks, and realize how much of a fking moron I am. My ex girlfriend is still the person I want to marry. I know I’ve lost it but god is it hard being self aware of your own issues without a clue on how to fix it. (Sorry for venting)

On a different note, I was reading in the threads about other people’s experiences, and I wonder if it deals with self esteem/abandonment issues. I personally have terrible self esteem and abandonment issues. I wonder if that’s part of what is causing me to be a fearful avoidant. I’ve been to therapy countless times but I never strictly focused on those issues.

To end this post on a more positive note I am working setting up new therapy sessions. I want to be a healed avoidant and not continue this cycle! If anyone has advice on how to help I’d love to hear it.

I (21M) am thinking about reaching out to my ex (22F) after breaking up with her for the 3rd time and I genuinely don’t know if it would be selfish.
We dated for almost 4 years starting in college. She never once broke up with me. Every breakup was initiated by me when I got overwhelmed, emotionally checked out, or felt like things were becoming unhealthy. We always eventually found our way back to each other somehow.

A lot happened over those years. We had trust issues, arguments, insecurity, periods where communication completely broke down, and honestly both of us hurt each other at different times. I’m not trying to paint myself as the victim here because I know I handled a lot of things poorly.

The final breakup happened about a month and a half ago after one of the hardest periods of my life. My grandma, who was basically like a mother to me, passed away unexpectedly late last year. After that happened I became emotionally unavailable to basically everyone. I was struggling mentally, withdrawing from people, irritated all the time, and honestly just not functioning well.

During that period, my relationship started falling apart. I felt misunderstood and emotionally pressured when I barely understood myself. At the same time, I know she probably felt abandoned by me. There were also issues surrounding intimacy because antidepressants completely destroyed my sex drive and even after stopping them things never really recovered. That became another source of tension between us.

The night we broke up was devastating. We both cried for hours. She begged me not to leave. I still replay that night in my head constantly because despite all our issues, it was obvious we deeply loved each other.

Since then we’ve been fully no contact except for me drunkenly sending her a voice message after graduation saying I still loved her and hoped she was happy. She listened to it but never responded.
Now that college is over and a lot of the stress in my life has calmed down, I feel like I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. But at the same time, I also wonder if reaching out again would just continue a cycle where I keep hurting someone who genuinely loved me.

I guess my question is: how do you know the difference between genuinely wanting to fight for someone versus just being unable to let go of the comfort and history you had together? And after breaking up with someone multiple times, is there a point where reaching out again becomes unfair no matter how much love is still there?

TL;DR I ended a 4 year relationship for the 3rd time during one of the worst periods of my life. Now that the dust has settled, I still love her and regret losing her, but I don’t know if reaching out again would be genuine or unfair to her after everything we’ve been through.