Prolonging the pain - I’m a glutton for punishment
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. We weren’t together for very long but I’ve felt more for you than I have with ex’s I’ve been with for years.
I am a complete fuck up and I am so so sorry. I would do anything to do it right this time. Anything. I don’t get that chance. We both can’t heal in the same environment (our relationship) that got us this way. But I am struggling so hard to let you go.
I miss how sweet you are. You were the sweetest girl and I’m glad you think we had a genuine sweet love. I’m so happy and thankful to be the first person to show you how you should be loved properly and make you feel loved, because you deserve it. You’ve been through so fucking much and I just wanted to protect your heart and take care of you. You brought out such a gentle side of me that I’ve never experienced before. I hate that we fell in love so fast that we burned our relationship down to the ground. Why did you have to tell me you loved me after our 2nd date?
I feel so weak for wanting to beg you to make it work again. I’m not going to do it because I know you’ve already made up your mind. I’m seeing you in 2.5 hours, you’re coming to get your stuff back and dropping off mine. You’re also going to stay over for a bit so we can cuddle and savor each other’s presence one last time. I can tell you don’t want to leave because you keep agreeing to see me, first today, now tomorrow. I know I shouldn’t see you tomorrow. I know I’m just prolonging the pain. But I don’t care. What’s another day or two of being delulu with each other before we let each other go permanently.
I hope we reconnect in the future like you say you want to, when we’re more fundamentally healed. I know you say you like to think you’d still want to be with but it’s not healthy for either of us to wait for the other while we’re trying to focus on ourselves and heal. I fear that in months/years once we do heal ourselves, you wouldn’t be interested in trying again anymore. I know I shouldn’t hang onto you anyway. I know with time and space, things will get easier. I don’t want to grow apart. I want to relearn who you are in the future. Start again as two new individuals and go from there. Slowly. I can’t see myself wanting to be with anyone else for awhile (don’t want anyone else anyway) but I know I shouldn’t be clinging on the thoughts of future what ifs between us.
Fuck Winona. I love you and I will always love you. I know you’ll always love me too. It’s just so fucked up because we really want to be together but just can’t rn. We cant keep hurting each other.
Maybe in the next lifetime my sweet lil stinky 😔
This letter is messy and just more of a venting dump that I needed to get out before I see you later even tho this is essentially what we have been talking about ad nauseam. When you come over, I just want to lay on your chest and wrap my arms and legs around you just how you like it and give you kisses and look into your eyes and be two fucking delulu bitches together. (Such lesbians lmao)
You’re so sweet, smart, caring, funny, unique, I love your mind, your heart, your kindness. You’re a genuinely good person with a good heart. I used to tell you in the beginning that I couldn’t understand why all 3 of your ex’s treated you the way they did when you are such a sweet gem of a human being that deserves to be cherished and treasured and now im just gunna be one of your ex’s (I treated you way better and actually loved unlike them but you know what I mean).
I see you in now 2 hours. I’m counting down the minutes. I haven’t done anything besides wait for you to get off work and come over. I don’t care if I sound pathetic or sad or whatever. I’m not going to close my heart to you until we go no contact. And even then I’d still be here if you really needed someone to talk to. I know you don’t want this break up to happen as much as I do. Thank you for reassuring me and saying that we’re not breaking up bc I’m not worth your love or because I’m not fighting for, we’re doing it because our dynamic was both killing us. Thank you for making me feel like I was worth your love. It was such an honor to receive your sweet gentle innocent love. Being loved by you is one of the sweetest and best things I’ve had experienced so far. And this break up is one of the hardest things I’ll have to go through.
I want to take my time with moving on. I want to savor the bittersweetness of loving you. Bittersweet because the thought of you and our love makes me so happy and I’m just so thankful to have had a chance to experience you, ovbiously the bitter side to this is that you’re no longer mine. Because once I move on, I won’t feel this way anymore and I’m not in a hurry for that day to come.
I miss when you would tell me that you’re mine and you belong to me and you live to serve me lol. That fucking devotion you gave me brought out the gentle side out of me where it made me want to take care of you. Our dynamics were really good when we were good. You can’t deny that.
Is it selfish that I’m happy in the fact that at least you’ll never forget me? You told me I was the first to actually show you love, make you feel wanted, celebrated, seen. It still breaks my heart that in your 32 years of existence, this was your first time but I am so honored to make sure you felt so special to me.
Winona. Fuck :( I’m gunna stop now bc I’ve just been bedrotting and typing this for probably an hour.
I love you I love you I love you
I am so in love with you
And I’ll always love you