u/ComplexCan

Sometimes I cannot speak. Sometimes a conversation is impossible because I stop speaking because I do not have the words to speak. Sometimes I can hold a conversation easily & make it enjoyable. Sometimes I mix languages together because I cannot articulate my thoughts properly - the words escape me. Other times I am articulate in multiple languages - the words do not escape me.

Sometimes I explain myself so little that no one understands what I am saying and misinterpret my words. Other times I explain myself so thoroughly that they cut me off before I finish my point.

Sometimes I say A but people understand B. No one seems to understand what I am saying yet they believe they do.

I hate questions I have to answer, or situations where I am required to speak.

I wish I didn't have to speak ever again.

fin.

...where are you at? How did life turn out for you?

A little about me. I'm 35, male. I was severely abused for a long time. Today I am very dysfunctional. I am on disablity. I live in a cheap apartment & assume I will never own a house. I'm okay with that as long as I have a space for myself. I'm scared of people, especially connections to anyone. I don't know how to socialize because of fear, sadness, feeling disconnected from everyone. As a result I have no friends. I cannot date. I fundamentally feel I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm supposedly ugly, at least I was publicly humiliated daily with that 20 years ago too. Over the last 6 years I have developed a substance abuse problem. I've spent most of my life dissociated, dreaming. The psychiatry here was of no help & only further made me worse.

I don't really have a life. But I never really had one anyway. I didn't have a childhood, or youth - it was stolen from me. I feel like I don't have a future the same way I do not have a present or a past.

I feel even in spaces like these I feel I don't fit in because I am as much of a loser as I am, or I guess I'm not a "loser"... I was made dysfunctional by people that should have helped me develop as a functional human, but I still feel like one.

Idk what I'm asking... I just wonder if maybe there are some good stories out there? Is it possible to turn things around? What would it require? Did things work out for some of you?

Thank you for reading.