u/Complex_Row8995

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/8oga6cyYF9

Thanks to all of you who have commented on my last post with encouragement, advice and examples of healthy/unhealthy boundaries. 

I’ve also watched a few YouTube videos about boundaries and how to set them. 

Yesterday, I implemented boundaries and, for the first time in a year or so, I didn’t budge. 

She called me on the phone while driving. We talked, she said I sounded upset. I said I was shaken up from our earlier fight and found her accusations unfair. She got defensive and angry, said I didn’t understand her words, she never said that bla-bla-bla. She was getting angrier. I said that if she raised her voice at me, I will hang up. She asked me to tell her right before I hang up if so, I said ok. A few minutes later, she rose her voice, I hung up. She was shocked I did, called again, raised her voice. I made it clear that if she was calling to raise her voice again, I will hang up and not pick up again. She got mad but her voice was less loud. 

During our fight in the morning, I said I’d like more transparency about our finances. I’ll include the context but you can skip it if it’s getting too long!

(Context: she became an estate agent 1 year ago. Since October, I have been the one paying for our mortgage, insurances (mine and hers), our pets’ food, groceries etc. I cover all the expenses. But I’ve been through burnout, and my pension is way less than it used to be. Since then, I’ve been giving classes off the books to keep us afloat. I’m barely making it. In the meantime, she hasn’t been advertising her business much. When she is not having clients visit a house, she works only a few hours a week from home, says she’ll do things to advertise (cheap stuffs or free stuff, not over the top) but not much is happening. So I cover all the expenses. Don’t get me wrong, we’re married, it’s totally okay. HOWEVER, when I ask her when that client (because she did a little bit of marketing for one) will pay her or at least when she sent the bill, so I can know when money will be coming in, she gets defensive and says I micro manage her. I’m just trying my best not to die from financial stress. I need to know we’re going to be okay, because we are not)

I just need to know how much and when she can contribute to the household and she’s sometimes reluctant to tell me. Well, she used that need of transparency against me. She too would like transparency on our money and have a look on spendings on MY account (since I cover all the expenses of the household, never forgot to pay a bill or anything). I said I understood. I came up with possible two solutions:

1. We can set up a shared bank account for all household expenses. We can both access it, transfer money on it for shared expenses. She refused because I had one with an ex and it enrages her that I’d dare talk about that.

 

Here is a look to her reactions:
- She accused me of considering “our” money, “my” money

- If I’m not letting her check it’s because Im hiding something

- Anyway, she doesn’t know why I’m so obsessed with giving her access, she never asked for it. And I come up with a stupid comprise she never asked for

- I’m an ass for suggesting a shared account because that’s what I did with my ex

- We are incompatible in the long run, maybe 4 or 5 years together is our max

- I’m unwilling to make our marriage work

- I’m not serious about our marriage, married people should share EVERYTHING 

- I don’t want to explain my point of view (I explained 3 times, very clearly)

- She called me “aggressive” while I remained calmed and composed and while SHE was raising her voice. She blamed my tone when I pointed out I was calm and she’s wasn’t

- Ive never been sincere and honest, because if I truly loved her I’d do it

- I’ve said I’d give her anything and yet I refuse to give her access to my bank account, so I’m a liar 

- She cried 

- She raised her voice

- She pleaded and asked why more times than I can count

None of it worked. At some point I was just done taking it, I said I wouldn’t engage in this conversation anymore. So she turned the subject on why I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, I never wanted to talk things out, I don’t want to be around her.
I said I had enough of fighting, I was going to bed but we can talk it out the next day. 
She came to bed, with my computer, with the tv program we were watching previously on, pretty loud, full luminosity on. I watched, she said I went to bed it meant I didn’t want to watch anyway, I said we can watch but I don’t want to argue anymore. She argued, I said I was going to sleep and processed on ignoring her. I did say “we can talk it out tomorrow if you still want to”. 

Well, today is not fun either but I’m proud of myself!
Today, I’m still setting boundaries which she sees like “threats”.  

Example:
her: “You don’t see all the money like ours. What? Is it 90% ours and 10% yours?” 

Me: “I see it as if you earn 2000€ and I earn 2000€. Our household need 2000€. Then, 50% is ours, 25% is yours and 25% is mine. If I earn 1800€ and you earn 500€. We still manage to cover the 2000€, that’s our priority. Then, we make sure you have enough money left, and I have enough money left”. 

Her: “you are not answering my question. Do you bot consider all your money is our money?”

Me: “as I was saying, I see things as…” 

Her: “you are not answering my question! Do you not consider all your money our money?” 

Me: “If you do not let me explain, I will not be having this conversation” 

Her: “I’m so done with your threats theses days! All you do is giving me threats!”

Me: “These are not threats. If you are not ready to listen to me, I’ll go and attend to the garden”

Her: “just go, I don’t care”
I went. 

Is that how it’s supposed to be happening?

EDIT: I know it is abusive and I do not intend of staying in this marriage. In the meantime, I need to attend to every day life.

Thanks again to all of you for you precious advice!

I’m a woman in a same-sex marriage.

I don’t know anymore what healthy boundaries look like and I don’t really know what my boundaries are. I have no idea how to implement them.

Examples:
- we argue, it escalates to my wife getting louder and louder and punching a piece of furniture. I say “I will not talk to you when you are acting like that”. I remove myself from the space, she will follow me or say “of course, your solution is always leaving” which makes me feel guilty and leads me to come back and explain myself

- I need space during an argument, I’ll say “I cannot handle the situation right now, I feel that I am shutting down. I will go for a run and if you’re up to it, we can talk afterwards”. She says it’s unfair because she wants to talk about it now and she will give me the silent treatment when I come back (if I ever get to leave)

- I say that when I’m spending time with people, I just don’t look as often at my phone. She wants me to reply within 30 minutes or she considers me to make everyone else a priority except for her. Then, she will make me pay the price: say how disrespectful I am, how I don’t love her, prioritise friends and family above her

How do you not explain yourself and make sure you implement your boundaries without feeling like a jerk?

What are YOUR healthy boundaries? I’d like to try and understand what I could implement to feel fight for myself more instead of always giving in because I am exhausted.

She’s set a few boundaries (I see then as rules but she sees them as boundaries) when we got together:

- No talking to any ex under any circumstances (I had to black all of them on social media even the one I still had good contacts with). I was reluctant at first about the one who had come a friend. but I ended up doing it to show her that what she needs is important to me
(While she’s friends with a woman she had sex with multiple times before we got together. I agreed to the friendship because I knew it was important to her)

- Not having people I don’t talk to anymore on social media

- Not telling her anything about my past relationships. I overstepped a few times without meaning to, in the beginning because I tended to be an oversharer. I apologised each time and tried to do better. Then, I’d feel like she’d trap me into saying things about my past to get mad. Example: I told her I like that restaurant (because we drive by). She’d ask me when and with whom I went. I’d be honest and tell her the truth. She’d get mad and I’d have to make sure not to mention the restaurant because it’d make her think about my past. Every time I was honest I felt like it could get her mad. That’s when I started lying. I wouldn’t say I went with an ex but a friend for example.

- Telling her when I get a text and read the text to her or tell her the content

- Not talk to people (including my friends and families) about our personal problems

- Not telling my friends and family about her/our personal matters. That includes: if they ask how is her business going, I can only say well, nothing more. I had to ask multiple times to give our address to friends and family so they could send post cards.

- I cannot have friends or family over if she’s not home because she thinks it is disrespectful to invite people over when she’s not here

I can’t think of more right now, but I’ll edit if I have more.

How can I handle the situation?

EDIT: I’d like to know what normal relationships look like and what boundaries look like.
What are they about? And how do you implement them?
It’d be a way for me to start my healing and regaining control of my life.

I know this relationship is abusive. I’ve read Why Does He Do That, and it was clear what was happening.

I cannot leave yet. I’m seeing a therapist and getting there but not there yet. I need to understand what healthy is because I’m not sure I do remember what should and shouldn’t happen.

I’m a woman in a same sex marriage. We’re both around 30.

I’m coming to the realisation that my wife is emotionally and verbally abusive. I’ve started therapy in hope of becoming able to deal with it.

This morning, she asked me if I had given people pet names. She had expressed in the first year of the relationship that she didn’t want me to call friends “honey”, “sweetheart” or anything like that. It was something I would naturally do with family or friends. I could still use it for my best friend and family but that was it. I accepted her boundary.

I said I hadn’t given pet names to anyone except my best friend and my nieces. She kept on questioning if I was sure. I was sure. She went on questioning if I could recall an instance it had happened. I said I can’t recall any. And jokes on her because I don’t have any friends left (accept my best friend) because she criticised them without having met them once.

She asked if she could go through my phone because she didn’t trust my word. I said no and left the room because I had something to do. I went through my old texts, I told her I did call a friend “honey” once in a text in July 2023 (6 months into our relationship) and I wasn’t sure if it was before or after she had told me not to.

She asked again to see my phone. I told her no, I didn’t want her to go through old texts to try and find something she wouldn’t approve of.

She then claimed she had proof I had called someone by a pet name on Instagram. We both went through my instagram DMs and I explained who that perso was and that one, for ALL my DMs. Turns out she saw a text I sent: “Happy birthday kitten ❤️❤️❤️”. It was to my niece.

After arguing, she cannot get why I’m so upset and feels betrayed by the fact that she went through my phone behind my back. Now, she’s blaming ME for refusing to hand her my phone and accuses me of hiding something.

She admitted that she shouldn’t have opened my DMs but claims she was looking for one of our convos. She didn’t and surely will not apologise.

Now she’s acting sad and distant. We both work from home and she’s decided to go work in the bedroom.

How can I deal with the situation? I’ve been the only one being accountable for 3.5 years. I’m at my wits end and yet, I’m not ready to leave.

I’m 29, in a lesbian marriage with my 32 year old wife.

Around a month and a half ago, I finally realised that I had been emotionally and verbally abused for our 3.5 years together. My whole body was aching, I had suicidal thoughts and I realised I wanted to leave but wasn’t ready yet.

I started reading about abuse: “Is it Even Abuse?” By Emma Rose Byham, “Why Does He Do That?”, “The Dream House” and right now I’m reading “The Verbally Abuse Relationship”.

I’ve also started writing down what was happening during arguments. I wrote about every abusive event I could remember, patterns etc.

It’s helped me a lot to understand what was happening. For the first time I opened up to my doctor about it and talked to my best friend about what was really going on.

I booked a therapy session (new therapist) to unburden and in hopes that she’d help me understand why I can’t leave yet, help me see things clearer.

But now, things have been calmer for a week or two, I’m feeling calmer and, as per usual, I’m starting to forget and to forgive.

My therapy session is in two days and I’m scared I’ll downplay what’s been happening or I’ll feel like what happened is actually okay.
I’m also starting to feel that crazy thought of “If I did better, things would always be calmer” even though I know, deep down it’s not true.

How do you deal with so much doubt? How do you go through everyday life knowing you need to leave eventually but truly love and care for your partner?

Around a month and a half ago, I finally realised that I had been emotionally and verbally abused for our 3.5 years together. My whole body was aching, I had suicidal thoughts and I realised I wanted to leave but wasn’t ready yet.

I started reading about abuse: “Is it Even Abuse?” By Emma Rose Byham, “Why Does He Do That?”, “The Dream House” and right now I’m reading “The Verbally Abuse Relationship”.

I’ve also started writing down what was happening during arguments. I wrote about every abusive event I could remember, patterns etc.

It’s helped me a lot to understand what was happening. For the first time I opened up to my doctor about it and talked to my best friend about what was really going on.

I booked a therapy session (new therapist) to unburden and in hopes that she’d help me understand why I can’t leave yet, help me see things clearer.

But now, things have been calmer for a week or two, I’m feeling calmer and, as per usual, I’m starting to forget and to forgive.

My therapy session is in two days and I’m scared I’ll downplay what’s been happening or I’ll feel like what happened is actually okay.
I’m also starting to feel that crazy thought of “If I did better, things would always be calmer” even though I know, deep down it’s not true.

How do you deal with so much doubt? How do you go through everyday life knowing you need to leave eventually but truly love and care for your partner?