27M still processing loss from the last 1.5 years, thought to share feelings to have a space for others in the same boat..
Most of the heartbreak advices start off with “You should not think about them. You should move on, and it doesn’t matter.” Everyone, every book, everything tells you to not do the same things, not repeat the same patterns, and not always try to catch a glimpse or always try to reconnect to the story, always try to understand what it is.
Still, with all the information out there, everyone struggles through the same way. There is regret, there is anger, there is denial, there is acceptance, and there are a lot of mixed emotions going through it.
When you are going through it and you feel lost and you lose the meaning of your life, you are not able to grieve fully because you have to go through day-to-day life. Even if you are trying to avoid things, trying to achieve things, none of it makes sense because you lost the meaning of your life. It just feels like someone died, and that someone is you.
It makes sense for you to understand, but not to anyone else, because what happens is that everyone understands it from a perspective that this needs to be solved. You need to move on.
One thing I’ve realized is that this shouldn’t be solved. It should be felt. It should be felt fully. You should cry, you should weep, you should shout, you should do whatever you want to do to feel it fully, and never suppress it.
Trying to be strong, trying to get out of it, trying to meditate out of it, trying to build something out of it, trying to be intellectual around it, trying to be philosophical around it, trying to make sense of what things happen, what did not happen. What is very important is that you just feel through it.
Nobody, no matter what anyone says, you have to feel it. You have to go through it, and even though it might not look like there is any other light down the road, you have to feel it. It’s completely, completely, completely fine for you to feel it and just try to feel destroyed in the process.
Everyone wants you to be happy again. Everyone wants you to move on quickly. Everyone wants you to stop checking on things. Everyone wants you to stop making scenarios in your head, but you know what it meant for you, so you do not have to explain it to everyone. It’s your journey, and how slow and fast it is depends on you.
One more thing is that when everything in your life is, in the external world, going great, but you do not find anything inside because you’ve just lost the meaning of your life. You have lost a vision of the things that you wanted to do.
Even if the things in the present moment look perfect to you, it is not something that you wanted, and you just lost a vision of what things would have been. No matter how hard you try to move on, no matter how hard you try to make sense of things, you just feel like what is going on.
Sometimes you just want to check on the other person if they feel it too, if they are destroyed too. You see glimpses of it. You do not know the whole story, so you make scenarios in your head that they actually moved on and they actually do not get hurt now. Even though you try to make scenarios that they were not worth it, you know what you had in that moment was pure and genuine.
What is very important is, in the process, to accept it that it was special, it was pure in those moments, but it is not right now. You need to grieve it instead of making scenarios and trying to justify why it does not make sense. And I could have written it in paragraphs, trying to make sense of the sentences that I am saying, but none of it. I have tried to make sense of a lot of things lately. I have tried to make things sound logical, intellectual, practical, philosophical, and that is not how life works.
It doesn’t owe you anything. It doesn’t owe you if you invest in it too, so you’ll get the same out of it. If you build something, if you expect to get something, it’s never the same. Your ego gets hit. You get destroyed in the process. You lose the sense of anything in life. You do not find anything interesting. You want to build yourself again, rebuilding yourself again, but it’s just so tough. It’s really tough.
None of the books help, none of the movies help, and everything just passes by, and you do not know what to do. Every day you just feel destroyed again and again. You try to fill it with materialistic things or meaningless intimacy or a lot of other things, but none of it makes sense. Some days are better than others.
Some days you catch a breath, you feel a bit better. Some days it just doesn’t make sense what you are doing in life or whatever is going on. You just feel like you’re waiting for all of this to get over…
And even though a lot of people feel the same, they are very much scared to talk about it because they feel like if they are trying to move on in their present life, they have to completely erase the past. It’s completely fine to cut ties with the past, but it’s completely fine to actually grieve about it and not feel ashamed to get affected by it, because what was a very crucial point of your life got taken away from you.
It’s like a death that you experience, and you can’t just forget it or erase it out of your memory or a part of your life. It’s naturally normal to be sad about it, to grieve about it. I’ve felt, and even though you have come out of it a lot of times or some times in your life through such moments, there is light at the side and around, but going through this is so tough that you do not know what is going on in your life.
I don’t know what you’re going through right now. I don’t know if this is something that you feel as well through the process. What I think is that the only thing that you could do is to just survive, or it’s just to go through the day and not punish yourself to be healed in a moment, to come out of it in a moment. It might take a day, it might take months, it might take years, but it will distribute itself. I hope it does.
I hope things make sense. I hope you find that meaning again, because it’s there, it’s there, and will come in a new form. Every time I think about it, I think of it from a perspective that every time such things happen in life, you grow up to be a better person, but one time you just don’t want to be better.
You just want to not feel this pain again and again. You just want to survive. Normally, you just don’t want any more lessons in life, but I think, as Buddha said, life is suffering, and your goal is to get liberated out of it. Even that path seems so difficult with this and all of the intellectual, spiritual knowledge that you have doesn’t make sense in these moments, because it’s too intense to handle anything in life. If you’re on this side of the road, I hope you get to the other side stronger.