u/Concilsystem

Hi. I'm the host of our system. I understand all systems are different. But I'm looking for tips/help/advice/ anyone really who has gone through this. When we first got diagnosed, we learned to communicate. Over time things became fluent. Everyone did their jobs. But lately? The protectors don't protect. In fact they don't really front at all. The caretakers don't do their job. My co-hosts suck and barley front. Littles rarely front anymore. A few persecutors front and that's about it. I feel really shitty and a little jealous that my friend who's also a system and my partner; both have functional systems.

I don't even fully think my alters not fronting is on purpose either. I think somehow communication got bad again because it's hard for my co-hosts to even front. When they aren't here- lately its felt like everyone is...asleep? Its new and weird. Never happened before. I'm going inpatient and can't help but feel sad that in most systems i know, the alters all work together with the common goal of protecting the host. Then there's me. It feels like i have two good people in this system. Even so- it feels like I'm stuck protecting myself. I don't know why this happened..but it makes me sad.

Hi. I'm the host of our system. I understand all systems are different. But I'm looking for tips/help/advice/ anyone really who has gone through this. When we first got diagnosed, we learned to communicate. Over time things became fluent. Everyone did their jobs. But lately? The protectors don't protect. In fact they don't really front at all. The caretakers don't do their job. My co-hosts suck and barley front. Littles rarely front anymore. A few persecutors front and that's about it. I feel really shitty and a little jealous that my friend who's also a system and my partner; both have functional systems.

I don't even fully think my alters not fronting is on purpose either. I think somehow communication got bad again because it's hard for my co-hosts to even front. When they aren't here- lately its felt like everyone is...asleep? Its new and weird. Never happened before. I'm going inpatient and can't help but feel sad that in most systems i know, the alters all work together with the common goal of protecting the host. Then there's me. It feels like i have two good people in this system. Even so- it feels like I'm stuck protecting myself. I don't know why this happened..but it makes me sad.

I'm not even sure how to start this. Woke up this morning feeling out of sorts. Once i found out whom i was. Things got more confusing. I know I'm a persecutor. So I've kept to myself because our persecutors don't have a good reputation. I don't wish to be like this but i can't help it. The walls that are up. I'm new to being up here and yet i feel I've been here for awhile. I have wanted to say something. Anything. But my chest tightens and i get scared the words will come out like vomit. Or perhaps I'll accidentally hurt our partner with my words. If they are harsh. I most definitely will already get scolded by our host for being frontstuck. I don't need to get in trouble for this too. You ever mean to bring up something thats hurting you but the hurt is just too great and spills out into sentences and soon this is a bigger issue then if you just said nothing. I don't want it to seem like i have an attitude. I'm overwhelmed, bloody terrified, confused and angry and scared and cautious. I laid in bed the better half of the day, just listening to music...when a curtain song came on and i started to wonder if i am JUST a persecutor. Bodily we are in our 20's for reference. I remember fights with our mum while growing up. Slamming doors, sobbing. I remember the first time we took otc pain meds and felt numb. I remember when a school officer emptied our bag onto the floor, the white pills scattering across the floor. I remember the cold metal of the cuff's, tight against my skin. I remember feeling guilt and shame. I remember laying in a hospital bed, quietly, shakily; singing myself to sleep. I remember walking into a room and everyone goes quiet and stares at me. I remember middle school. Letting this girl bully me because i just really needed another human being around. I feel so overcome with emotions and angry. I think about this person in our life. They anger me so much. I feel guilty for how much i dislike them because my partner loves them so deeply. I tried hard to love them too, i think. They just...they piss me off. The pity messages. Setting boundaries that they don't even stick with. I've apologized and now they are completely ignoring me and that shit fucking hurts. I don't have a friend group. Everything happens without me. No one says they miss me. I've felt more care from my bullies growing up. Then i do these people. God i just feel so..alone. Every attempt to make friends. Is a dead end. And me...? I just got here. I can't change things. Host will get mad if i leave all the chats and carry on with life. So...i just lay in bed all day. In a bad depressive episode. Knowing my hands are tied. Everything is fine in this moment. But if i leave? I'm sure that'll stir the pot and suddenly they'll be issues. I needed to rant but also any other persecutors, have no control over a situation like this? Not allowed to fuck with host's life. (Even tho yours matters too). I'm just. I've only been here a day and I'm exhausted.

I'm not even sure how to start this. Woke up this morning feeling out of sorts. Once i found out whom i was. Things got more confusing. I know I'm a persecutor. So I've kept to myself because our persecutors don't have a good reputation. I don't wish to be like this but i can't help it. The walls that are up. I'm new to being up here and yet i feel I've been here for awhile. I have wanted to say something. Anything. But my chest tightens and i get scared the words will come out like vomit. Or perhaps I'll accidentally hurt our partner with my words. If they are harsh. I most definitely will already get scolded by our host for being frontstuck. I don't need to get in trouble for this too. You ever mean to bring up something thats hurting you but the hurt is just too great and spills out into sentences and soon this is a bigger issue then if you just said nothing. I don't want it to seem like i have an attitude. I'm overwhelmed, bloody terrified, confused and angry and scared and cautious. I laid in bed the better half of the day, just listening to music...when a curtain song came on and i started to wonder if i am JUST a persecutor. Bodily we are in our 20's for reference. I remember fights with our mum while growing up. Slamming doors, sobbing. I remember the first time we took otc pain meds and felt numb. I remember when a school officer emptied our bag onto the floor, the white pills scattering across the floor. I remember the cold metal of the cuff's, tight against my skin. I remember feeling guilt and shame. I remember laying in a hospital bed, quietly, shakily; singing myself to sleep. I remember walking into a room and everyone goes quiet and stares at me. I remember middle school. Letting this girl bully me because i just really needed another human being around. I feel so overcome with emotions and angry. I think about this person in our life. They anger me so much. I feel guilty for how much i dislike them because my partner loves them so deeply. I tried hard to love them too, i think. They just...they piss me off. The pity messages. Setting boundaries that they don't even stick with. I've apologized and now they are completely ignoring me and that shit fucking hurts. I don't have a friend group. Everything happens without me. No one says they miss me. I've felt more care from my bullies growing up. Then i do these people. God i just feel so..alone. Every attempt to make friends. Is a dead end. And me...? I just got here. I can't change things. Host will get mad if i leave all the chats and carry on with life. So...i just lay in bed all day. In a bad depressive episode. Knowing my hands are tied. Everything is fine in this moment. But if i leave? I'm sure that'll stir the pot and suddenly they'll be issues. I needed to rant but also any other persecutors, have no control over a situation like this? Not allowed to fuck with host's life. (Even tho yours matters too). I'm just. I've only been here a day and I'm exhausted.