I think I finally understand why I’ve been miserable and unfortunately the answer is that I am me
So this is probably going to sound stupid but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I always assumed there would eventually be some point where I’d just become a normal person.
Like I’d wake up one morning and suddenly know what I’m doing with my life. I’d have a routine. I’d call people back. I’d stop making the same mistakes. Maybe I’d own a plant and remember to water it.
Instead I am 31 years old and yesterday I ate shredded cheese directly out of the bag for dinner because cooking felt “emotionally complicated.”
Anyway. I think I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for my life to start. Waiting until I had more money. Until I was happier.
Until I met the right person. Until I stopped hating myself enough to actually do something about it.
And the really annoying part is that I’m starting to realize there probably isn’t going to be a day where I wake up and suddenly feel like a complete human being. There’s just going to be me.
Which feels like a terrible design flaw, honestly. But maybe that's okay.
Maybe being better isn't some huge transformation where you become a completely different person and everyone finally looks at you and says “wow, look how much you've changed.”
Maybe it's just noticing that you're about to do the thing you always do, and then not doing it. Maybe it's calling someone back. Maybe it's getting out of bed even though you don't particularly want to. Maybe it's admitting that you hurt someone without immediately writing a 14-paragraph explanation about why you actually had a very good reason.
I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.
Which is probably what people say right before continuing to make terrible decisions, so we'll see. Anyway thanks for reading. Sorry this got depressing.
I started writing this because I was procrastinating laying down my bed and now I've somehow had a personal breakthrough instead. The dishes remain undefeated. My sleep schedule remains questionable and I've good reasons for hurting everyone.