Long story short I’m sat on a fucking bench crying my eyes out cos I just feel so fucking shit and I don’t wanna do it anymore but I’m too much of a fucking coward to do anything. The thought of getting better terrifies me because it’s been my life for 6 years, I was a child now I’m approaching my mid 20s. I hate myself so fucking much
This is gonna be a long one so I hope you guys passed your GCSES because my head is gone and I’m just saying how I feel and trying to explain my feelings.
I’m a 23 year old man who’s dealt with anxiety, HOCD, lack of confidence and has wasted the last 6 years of his life. I was always an aware person, aware of mental health but was lucky to not really have to deal with them until 2020, lockdown made me lose my sense of purpose, trapped in my own house and mind, not in control anymore. I lost my confidence that I was building as a teen especially in 2019-20, lost my ability to work hard and study because I had no lessons at all for 7 months, lost my identity because I had developed HOCD.
Over the years I’d watch as time passed me by, the sands of time slipping through my fingers and all I could do was watch. Everyone around me succeeding, going to uni, making friends and having fun. Meanwhile there’s me still stuck, problems on top of problems. There would be nights where I’d just sit and think, not about the anxiety or HOCD or the newfound health anxiety I now had, just about life, turning 20 years old. Every time I’d always get to the same question, what about her? I wonder what she’s doing? Why does she always pop into my mind? It’s not like I’m gonna see her again-
There was this girl in high school called saskia, and was funny kind and beautiful. She was one of the popular girls yet didn’t act like it, she was just really cool. She didn’t have to be nice to me, I was a lanky, weird shy kid yet she did. I fancied her so much but never had the courage plus I never stood a chance she was one of the most beautiful women I’ve seen in my life, she still is. When I actually did grow up and gain some confidence, there was another girl I was interested in, right person right time kind of thing so I chose her. 2 years later, no girlfriend, no confidence and no idea what to do. I finished uni early and was going to my bus stop and there she was, for the first time in 3 years, saskia, my heart stopped, I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t believe it I didn’t even know she was in the same city I thought she left. I still didn’t have the courage even then, eventually I built up the confidence to message her around Xmas but that chat didn’t last long. It was simple, she was a whole chapter in my life yet I was barely a side character in hers. It’s my fault. Who was I to think that she would just drop everything and fall in love with a porn addict who had a stutter and several mental illnesses. Guess a huge toxic ego can make you think that way.
I told her how I felt, everything. Over Instagram of course, I can’t remember what she said but it was something along the lines of “ awww thx but I’ve got a boyfriend” I’m such a fucking loser piece of shit man. Yeah there were other girls but those never materialised because why would they? I’m the problem, I’m everything I hate, I always used to say if I met my 10 year old self I’d kick him cos he was a prick but if I could be 18 again and meet 23 year old Connor, I’d put him out of his misery.
I have an addiction, a porn addiction. Something has to fill the gap where there’s no love or affection. Started in covid but has gotten worse over the years. I’ve actually been “trying” to confront it over the last month or so which has been the worst month of my life. I’ve hated it, I’ve let myself down time and time again. The more and more I push I am pulled back in. My only way of help is ChatGPT because the thought of telling a real person makes me sick because I feel sick, shame and regret. I’m sorry to my mum for the son she raised, I’m sorry to my female coworkers and friends who have no clue who they are working with or talking to because when I’m at work, I’m work Connor, I’m employee of the month, I actually present myself in a way where I look like I’ve got my shit together. It’s all a lie and the mask is slipping.
I listen to a lot of RHCP, their music I can relate to and they just get me. Their music has gotten me through some very dark nights. A few songs I feel sum up where I’m at now is
- Wet Sand
- Don’t Forget me
- Californication
- My Friends
- Under the Bridge
- Otherside
- Dosed
- Desecration Smile
- I could have lied
A few quotes from their songs that I keep replaying in my head
- “ I love the feeling when it falls apart”
- “ my sunny side has up and died”
- “ automatic laughter from a pro”
- “ so hard and lonely too when you don’t know yourself”
I turn 24 in October and i genuinely don’t know if i wanna be here anymore. I used to look at my future and feel hopeful that maybe id finally figure it out. Here’s the thing, im the bad guy. Im toxic, insecure and a pathetic waste of shit who hates himself. 28 always pops out to me, 28 years old and I didn’t know why but now I do. I don’t wanna make it past 28 if im still like this.
I don’t like saying im depressed because I don’t think I am, I’m not depressed I’m just realistic. I don’t have suicidal thoughts I’m just aware of the path I’m heading on and yeah I’ve thought about how it might end, I wonder what will quit first, my body or my mind.
Last week I cried, on a toilet after going a full week of refraining but failing. It was dark. Crying, sobbing repeatedly hitting my head. Those moments are becoming more and more often where it all breaks down. The older I get the more they happen. I love the pain, the shame I deserve it. I hate myself, I don’t want to be happy. I just want to be taken away.
Anyway this is probably the end, I don’t wanna post anymore because posting will become apart of the cycle. I’ve got work in a few hours so can’t wait to go and pretend I don’t despise myself. I’m sure I’ve missed out some stuff. Sometimes I wish I was addicted to something else, because at least then I would’ve died years ago
Hi there, I’m a 23 year old man who has had HOCD for 6 years now, I can’t remember the exact date but it was definitely late April or early May. I was so young, a child filled with hope and excitement over my future. 6 years later, I’m an anxiety ridden, toxic insecure shameful broken man with a porn addiction because I’ve lost everything. Then it hit me, this is what the HOCD wants. It’s done it’s job, it was never going to convince me I’m gay or bisexual because that was never going to happen, it’s main job was to take and take and take and it succeeded years ago and I’m only just realising it now. I don’t even get HOCD thoughts anymore or spikes because I’ve got 100 other issues now. It’s funny I almost look back with nostalgia over those times when I was 18-19 hating everything and fighting all those internal battles, at least I felt something, at least I was fighting for something. Now I genuinely have nothing, no relationship, no aspirations, no social life. Sometimes I wish I was addicted to drugs or alcohol because at least then I would’ve died years ago rather than wallowing in my own misery and pity. See you in 6 years maybe idk