u/Conscious-Photo5190

I failed to end my life a few days ago and I just don't know where to go from here I was released from the hospital. So far a few people have found out and are angry with me and a few worried. I just don't know where to go from here. I am completely numb at this moment and my body won't let me feel anything. I know that I am cared about but I feel ashamed from both trying and failing. I'm not sad I failed mind you. The senses of complete loneliness, helplessness, and fear are less now but at the same time greater than ever. I have returned to work like nothing happened mainly because my job won't allow me to take time off to get the help I need. Last year they threatened my job when I had to have emergency surgery. My liver is struggling now and I'm still in a lot of pain. I'm just overall numb and scared of what comes next. I had planned everything except ems being called on me. I'm sorry if this post isn't allowed. I regret doing what I did. I did try to reach out and I tried to spend time with people. I tried writing things down and even used the suicide helpline but I still ended up where I did.

I'm sorry if this violates the rules

Chicken mr noodles. I learned I was lied to by someone I was talking to. My coworkers keep insulting me. I won't have enough to cover rent next month. None of my coping strategies work anymore. I have planned everything out to take my life. There's so much I'm leaving out but honestly I'm just numb. My normal strategies for feeling this depressed is writing a letter to everyone in my life about all the things I love about them. But that isn't working and now I have 20 letters to all the people I love for if I do lose to myself and end it. I feel bad for my friends who have to deal with this I know it's annoying for them to worry about if I'm alive. I think I'd bring them closure if I was simply gone. I literally just wanted to be happy or honestly feel ANYTHING.

and literally every other fucking relationship I try and form it's just them wanting to fuck me I am nothing to anyone except for that. I am fucking temporary in everyone's life. A background character they can stick their dick in.

My coworker literally hates me for no reason i have tried to be nice and helpful but he talks about me behind my back screams in my face in front of our clients. And the mistake I made btw was his fault. We have a system that we follow so I was following it he didn't so the stuff didn't go to the right places. I feel so dumb for being upset by it but I've spent two years there and still my coworkers don't even speak to me outside of "can you take my shift" or "can you do this for me"

I'm sorry for the ranting I think I just needed a moment. I'm sorry you had to read it.