u/Conscious_Oil_3584

my brain is absolutely flooded with thoughts.

how do i know if im making the right choice, or if im making a mistake?

what will life be like only having my sweet girl 50% of the time?

how can i still feel love and joy around him but at the same time, feel that separating is the right decision?

will i ever know stability again once we’re done? financially, love-wise, in a home…

he’s finally willing to do what i have been begging, but it’s just too late for me. i still find myself wanting to do things that benefit him, at the expense of myself.

i don’t know how to feel or what else to think. i could use some positivity or advice.. please?

i’m just not sure what to do.

we dated briefly in 2018 - it was a bad time. i was unfaithful a month in. in 2019, we talked and did a LOT of work to move past what happened. months later, we ended up back together. i (31f) continuously checked in with him (33m) - weekly. outside of this, we were picture perfect. i marked all his boxes and he did mine (social, loved how outgoing i was, wanted to have fun with me, romantic, trustworthy, loving, etc..). and eventually, he said it was forgiven. i still beat myself up, but i started to let it go because he said it was time. the first 3.5 years of our relationship were bliss. we even got married & bought a house in 2023.

my check ins slowed down. but i didn’t think anything of it because we were doing so well. slowly, over time, though, i noticed he seemed unhappy. he was no longer social, seemed depressed, was more short. closed off. less fun and no longer the sweet romantic man he had been. i had to beg him to be around my friends (he’d occasionally come but would sit in a corner, ignore everyone & play on his phone), i’d have to beg him to go to family things with me, go out with me, have fun with me… but he insisted nothing was wrong. i tried to let it go.
i had always imagined i’d marry someone who was jumping with joy to marry me like i was with them. but i never got that. he never even said he was excited to marry me (trust me, i asked. a lot.) & he would tell my sister the same, “i don’t feel excitement but im happy”. i tried to not let that bother me, but it always has. and then came time for having a baby… we agreed we’d try. but he was never excited. he told my sister he “doesn’t want kids”.. he denied. we got into a huge fight, where he told me to just go be with one of my long time friends (who had nothing to do with ANY part of us… it shocked me and hurt a bit tbh). but, we persisted. i got pregnant. i was scared to tell him because i knew i wouldn’t get the response i wanted. i didn’t. “you can barely even see the line. show me again when it’s darker”. and then when the dr called to tell us what we were having, i ended up crying because his reaction was NOTHING. just blank. no excitement. not even happiness. he’s an incredible dad - has been since the moment she was born. but i still hold these things against him. i started to feel myself emotionally distance bc i couldn’t understand why all of a sudden only money mattered, i was on the back burner and it felt like love was lacking. this was 2023-2025.

this year, we almost divorced. we had a long talk about how he never actually let things go but assures me he is now, that he was resentful and angry this whole time and treating me poorly bc of it. we talked about how i have noticed and felt everything but he’s lied to me for 7 years & it’s made my feelings for him fizzle out bc i may have
messed up but i deserve to be treated well if we’re going to be together.. he still is uninterested in marriage counselling. i’ve been very up front and honest that my feelings have yet to come back and i’m still feeling myself recoil and not want to be around him as much as i have in the past. i’m angry and hurt. and he seems convinced that “we can fix it”…. but no steps have been made. he thinks theyll just come back. now, im worried about how to go about divorce, or if we even should. i dont want to fuck up my daughter. and i hate the unknown. what would you do.?

i know this is messy. i can answer any questions. i’m just at a loss. and i need an unbiased audience.

EDIT: i do want to say - we do not interact poorly in front of our daughter. i’m extremely conscious of that from growing up in abusive & angry households. i’m just worried that her “normal” being divorced parents will cause her anger in the future. but i do want to make it very clear - she does see me happy and her dad happy - we are not angry and miserable around her and we do get along well. it’s just my feelings of not feeling like i can move forward.