u/Consistent-Change876

They said that they were going to South Africa and Hawaii but that never happened.

Idk what to do. My aunt is kicking me out and sending me back to my parents house (different province) but I DO NOT want to go back, if I do I will genuinely go insane. My mental health is already bad enough I just can’t. I have absolutely nowhere to go since I don’t have any friends or anywhere else to stay. I unfortunately do not have any money saved and I just started my first job and might need another one so I can either rent a room or get a roommate or hopefully find an affordable apartment within my budget. So my only option is to stay at a women’s or youth (I am 19) homeless shelter and get help both for my mental health and housing while saving money.

Btw sorry for my grammar

I did not want to make this post or dwell on any of the nonsensical things they say. Since moving out to my aunt’s house, I’ve wanted to forget the past and cut them off completely. But it’s hard when you’re living with an aunt who is in communication with them and is related to your father.

I am not the type of person to hate others because I don’t want to put energy into something that makes me mentally and physically weak. But I can no longer tolerate this level of disrespect.

First of all, why are they always talking about me and complaining about my behavior when they are the ones who created the environment that led to it with all of their ridiculous rules? They think the way I’m “acting” is just a phase, but it isn’t. It’s resentment, and it has built up because of all the traumatizing things they have done to me since childhood.

Especially the things my father did when he was constantly drinking and getting drunk. That man would beat me over small mistakes, or even things that weren’t my fault. I remember one time my teacher accidentally gave me a homework worksheet that belonged to another student. My dad saw that it had someone else’s name on it while I was quietly sitting alone and working on it. I loved learning and doing homework as a child. He beat me so badly that I had trouble breathing afterward, and I was having suicidal thoughts at just 7 or 8 years old.

My mom didn’t intervene or stop him. She just watched it happen and then “comforted” me afterward. It’s not like he was beating her too, so she had no excuse for not stepping in.

There were many more incidents like that, but I don’t remember all of them because my brain has blocked a lot of it out.

When I turned 17, and up until now at 19, I stopped tolerating their behavior. I stopped talking to both of them and kept my distance by staying in my room most of the time. Yet somehow, they still find ways to pick fights with me when I have done absolutely nothing.

Recently, I overheard a conversation between my mom and the aunt I’m currently living with. I don’t know if they realize that I can fully understand Swahili even though I barely speak it. My aunt asked me how I was getting money since I don’t currently work—because, let’s be honest, getting a job in this economy is difficult. I told her that my mom deposits $20 into my bank account every month.

My mom then told my aunt that she doesn’t send me anything and that I was lying. The funny thing is that nobody else but her has access to that information, and that exact amount has been deposited into my account every month since it was opened years ago.

That made me realize that she probably goes around telling complete lies about me while portraying herself as the victim, which is ironic considering her Christian beliefs. Now other people likely think she’s the victim and I’m the troublemaker, when in reality all I do is mind my own business. I don’t start arguments. I don’t sneak out. I barely even go anywhere because I have social anxiety and my social battery drains quickly.

Another thing I hate is how they talk about me to other people while I’m within earshot instead of coming directly to me and having a civilized conversation like rational adults. If they have an issue with me, why not discuss it with me and allow me to share my perspective too? Why not work together to find a solution instead of gossiping behind my back?

I also hate how some parents treat their children as their retirement plan. Why did my uncle tell me that I need to get a good career so I can take care of my parents when they’re old? That shouldn’t automatically be my responsibility, especially considering how I’ve been treated since childhood.

Why have children if you can’t afford them—especially five of them—or if you’re not emotionally and mentally stable enough to raise them properly?

Every day, I find myself becoming more anti-natalist.