ماما تجرعني السم كل يوم.. حقيقي هلكت وتعبت من تعاملها معاي.. الي كان يصبرني وانا طفله ومراهقه هو اني كنت اقول اكيد المشكله فيني يمكن لو صرت اشطر او أهدى او ما اسبب ازعاج بتحبني.. يمكن انا سويت شقاوه وزعلت مني بس شوي وتتقبلني
بس بعد ماكبرت اكتشفت اني لو اجيب لها القمر بيد والشمس بيد برضو مارح تحبني او تتقبلني
اليأس شعور سيئ ومر بس حقيقي
I’m 21 years old, and ever since I was a child, my relationship with my mom has felt strange. I stopped sleeping next to her at a very young age compared to my siblings (around two years old). I honestly don’t remember her ever playing with me, hugging me, or showing me affection. When I was little, she used to call me by the name of the person she hated the most, and once she burned me with a spoon just because I broke a few glass cups — and I was under six years old.
Even after I grew up, she never really loved me or felt satisfied with me. I’m always the one who’s wrong. If she ever becomes pleased with me, it happens maybe once a year, and then I spend the rest of the year trying to get that feeling back.
I still remember my first day of school. After she dropped me off, I went up to her and told her, “You can leave, I’ll finish the day by myself.” And I actually did. I wasn’t scared.
My relationship with my mother affected my relationship with my sisters too. For example, if they were sitting and talking with my mom and saw me coming, they would suddenly stop the conversation. So I started avoiding telling them personal things, because even if they swore a hundred times not to tell anyone, I still wouldn’t trust them.
I went through terrible health issues in high school to the point where I couldn’t walk for a while, and even then my mother didn’t soften toward me or show me compassion.
Sometimes I think maybe I’m just a bad or unlovable person, but then I remember that people outside the family love me, and my father loves me too. My mom seemed to hate me ever since I was a child, before I was even old enough to do anything wrong.
I feel like I’m starting to give up on the idea that my mother will ever love me. I’ve spent my whole childhood trying to fix our relationship and make her love me or at least accept me, but I’m exhausted and hopeless now.
She dislikes everything about me — my body, my voice, my face, my hair — even though I look exactly like her. I resemble her so much, and that ended up affecting the way I see myself. It made me hate and reject my own appearance, and I’m still trying to heal from the self-hatred and constant self-criticism it caused.
My words are messy, but I just felt like I needed to say this to someone who doesn’t know me.
عمري ٢١ سنه و من وانا طفله وعلاقتي بماما غريبة، يعني انفصلت عن النوم معاها بعمر مبكر غير عن باقي اخواني (سنتين) وما اتذكر اني قد لعبت معاها في حياتي او حتى حضنتني …كانت تناديني وانا طفله باسم اكثر وحده هي تكرهها وسبق وحرقتني بالملعقه لمجرد اني كسرت كم كاسه قزاز وكل هذا وعمري ماتجاوز ٦
حتى بعد ماكبرت عمرها ماحبتني او رضيت عني دايم انا غلط ولو رضيت ترضى مره في السنه علي واجلس طول السنه احاول ارجع هذي اللحظه
حتى اول يوم مدرسه اتذكر اني رحت عندها بعد مادخلتني وقلت لها روحي خلاص انا بكمل اليوم لوحدي وفعلًا كملت وماخفت
علاقتي بامي انعكست مع علاقتي باخواتي .. مثلًا اذا كانو جالسين هم وامي وشافوني جيت يقطعون السالفه على طول.. فصرت اتجنب الكلام معاهم في اشياء خاصه لانهم حتى لو قالو لي يحلفوني ٦٠٠ مره ما اقول لاحد
حصلت لي مواقف كارثيه وانا في الثانوي على صعيد الصحه وصرت ما اقدر امشي لفتره وكمان امي ماحن قلبها علي
اوقات اقول يمكن انا سيئه وما انحب بس اتذكر ان الناس برا تحبني وابوي يحبني وامي من وانا طفله وهي تكرهني قبل ما الحق اسوي شي
ما اعرف حاسه بديت استسلم لفكره ان امي تكرهني وبديت اوقف اصلح علاقتي معاها لاني يأست انها تصلح ، تعبت وانا من طفولتي احاول اصلح علاقتي معاها واخليها تحبني او تتقبلني على الاقل
لكن هي ماتحب لاجسمي ولاصوتي ولا وجهي ولا شعري ولا اي شي فيني مع اني نسختتتتها اشبها شبه مو طبيعي
كلامي ملخبط بس حسيت احتاج اقوله لاحد مايعرفني
بنات ابغى كونسيلر قوامه خفيف و تغطيته عاليه تحت عيني مايستحمل منتجات كثير بس كمان عندي هالات