u/Constant-Height9551

Throwaway, for obvious reasons.

I’ve known the bride longer than anyone else in our friend group. We were close as kids, but it’s been on and off ever since, so it’s always been a strange dynamic. Oldest friendship, not the closest one. When the wedding planning started, none of us realised what we were signing up for.
The costs have been relentless. I’ve spent a small fortune already, and this isn’t one hen do. There’s been a race day, multiple nights out, several separate events in the build up. Her wedding itself is expensive, well into five figures, so this was never someone short of money. On top of everything else, we’re expected to pay for our own hair and makeup, buy our own shoes (not asked, told, days before), and chip in towards the honeymoon.

The part that really gets under my skin: because I come across as fairly comfortable, there’s this quiet assumption that I’ll just absorb extra costs and cover other people’s shares. Someone in the wedding party even told me to go buy more things for the bride, then forgot about it entirely. I’m also losing a serious chunk of working time across all of this, and I’m self-employed, so that time genuinely costs me.

The hen was a few days in Lisbon. Beforehand she announced she also wanted everyone out again on a separate night so it could overlap with the partner’s celebrations. More money, more time I’d already said I couldn’t give. There were drugs around the whole time too, which isn’t my scene at all.

Then, partway through the trip, I had an emergency at home. I had to get home immediately and book travel myself. Here’s the bit I still can’t get past: I’d given her money towards a group meal she’d offered to hold and settle, then pay everyone’s share back afterwards. Because I left early and missed the meal, she kept it and wouldn’t return a penny, claiming it went towards a minimum spend. But there were 12 of us, and if you’re each putting in that kind of money at a restaurant in central Lisbon with drinks, there’s no way that group didn’t comfortably clear any minimum spend. It was money I needed to get home for a family emergency, and she still wouldn’t give it back.

She’d also turned up at the start of the hen trip with an obviously expensive designer suitcase, and is going on two honeymoons after her wedding (big trips), all while still expecting everyone to fund hair, makeup, shoes and a honeymoon contribution.

I’m still technically part of this wedding. I don’t know how much longer I want to be.

EDIT: A few things people have asked, clarifying:

The wedding hasn’t actually happened yet - all of this is the lead-up. The honeymoon contribution is technically her wedding present request, and honestly I do get that as a concept. But under the circumstances it’s just more, more, more on top of everything else, so it doesn’t land the way a normal gift-list would.

To be clear on the money: she’s bought the dress so far, and yes she’ll cover the meal on the night, but that’s it. And this isn’t an average wedding. I know the UK average is roughly £20k - she’s spending well above that, and has well more than that available to spend. So this was never a case of someone stretching to afford their day and needing help. (Whilst spending £1.5k on a suitcase to look the part at the airport) It’s choosing a very expensive wedding and expecting the wedding party to absorb a chunk of the cost.

Thanks so much to the people saying “just pull away” - I wish it were that simple, I wish I could 😔 I’m a long way into this now, and the whole group is tightly connected on social media, so stepping back isn’t quiet or clean. That’s part of what makes it hard🫣

Throwaway, for obvious reasons.

I’ve known the bride longer than anyone else in our friend group. We were close as kids, but it’s been on and off ever since, so it’s always been a strange dynamic. Oldest friendship, not the closest one. When the wedding planning started, none of us realised what we were signing up for.
The costs have been relentless. I’ve spent a small fortune already, and this isn’t one hen do. There’s been a race day, multiple nights out, several separate events in the build up. Her wedding itself is expensive, well into five figures, so this was never someone short of money. On top of everything else, we’re expected to pay for our own hair and makeup, buy our own shoes (not asked, told, days before), and chip in towards the honeymoon.

The part that really gets under my skin: because I come across as fairly comfortable, there’s this quiet assumption that I’ll just absorb extra costs and cover other people’s shares. Someone in the wedding party even told me to go buy more things for the bride, then forgot about it entirely. I’m also losing a serious chunk of working time across all of this, and I’m self-employed, so that time genuinely costs me.

The hen was a few days in Lisbon. Beforehand she announced she also wanted everyone out again on a separate night so it could overlap with the partner’s celebrations. More money, more time I’d already said I couldn’t give. There were drugs around the whole time too, which isn’t my scene at all.

Then, partway through the trip, I found out a close family member had been diagnosed with a serious illness. I had to get home immediately and book travel myself. Here’s the bit I still can’t get past: I’d given her money towards a group meal she’d offered to hold and settle, then pay everyone’s share back afterwards. Because I left early and missed the meal, she kept it and wouldn’t return a penny, claiming it went towards a minimum spend. But there were 12 of us, and if you’re each putting in that kind of money at a restaurant in central Lisbon with drinks, there’s no way that group didn’t comfortably clear any minimum spend. It was money I needed to get home for a family emergency, and she still wouldn’t give it back.

She’d also turned up at the start of the hen trip with an obviously expensive designer suitcase, and is going on two honeymoons after her wedding (big trips), all while still expecting everyone to fund hair, makeup, shoes and a honeymoon contribution.

I’m still technically part of this wedding. I don’t know how much longer I want to be.

EDIT: A few things people have asked, clarifying:

The wedding hasn’t actually happened yet - all of this is the lead-up. The honeymoon contribution is technically her wedding present request, and honestly I do get that as a concept. But under the circumstances it’s just more, more, more on top of everything else, so it doesn’t land the way a normal gift-list would.

To be clear on the money: she’s bought the dress so far, and yes she’ll cover the meal on the night, but that’s it. And this isn’t an average wedding. I know the UK average is roughly £20k - she’s spending well above that, and has well more than that available to spend. So this was never a case of someone stretching to afford their day and needing help. (Whilst spending £1.5k on a suitcase to look the part at the airport) It’s choosing a very expensive wedding and expecting the wedding party to absorb a chunk of the cost.

Thanks so much to the people saying “just pull away” - I wish it were that simple, I wish I could 😔 I’m a long way into this now, and the whole group is tightly connected on social media, so stepping back isn’t quiet or clean. That’s part of what makes it hard🫣