u/ConstantTrust202

hi! sorry for the title haha. I don’t know what else to title this because genuinely all it is.
i (16) have for the past probably 7 years of my life had many thoughts of ending my life (which i am not likely to act on) because of my mom. this comes from conversations of her demeaning me where she will lash out over something, i’ll argue back, and retreat to my room. when i try to calm myself down (like breathing in and out) she will just mock me
within these arguments i was confused for a long time on why she would claim for the issues (laziness, unclean house etc. )to be a family problem and then talk nice to my siblings after screaming at me. I don’t do anything objectively too wrong (i have always been a 4.4 student, on national academic teams polite to adults (besides her) etc))
back to the title: i genuinely think this is because while she loves me she does not like me(or so they say). Combined with the fact that she is always nice to my siblings/they all get along when i’m gone, and how she had to pick up 2 more jobs to pay for their college (which i wrote their applications for: eyeroll..) i genuinely think if i died whether accidentally or on purpose things would be better off. I wouldn’t have to deal with whatever cycle of being pavloved into liking her,hating her, getting insulted then praised my life has become, and they’d be without arguments and have extra money.
I probably wouldn’t off myself (not out of lack of thought), but living here with them genuinely makes me miserable and i think that they believe the same for me. It’s like we’re trapped with eachother, haha

hello! i (16) am confused on whether i should be hating my mother/i will tell her and she will call me ungrateful. Not a traditional AITA, but i am lost ATP. Today, she yelled at me (my siblings(18/20) were out) for the house being a mess even though i hadn’t been downstairs all day, which i pointed out, and i asked her if she would yell at my siblings too because they made the mess. (immature for me i know lol) She said yes, but when they came home she did not in fact do this and instead i heard them laughing and joking around downstairs.

This only makes me angry because it’s been a trend for so long, and i can’t take it. My mom and I will fight, they will take her side so they won’t get in trouble, and i will go to my room to seperate myself. I have a history of having a bad temper, and even when i try to calm myself down (ie. breathing in and out) she will mock me.

I am unsure about this because i know she is trying to be better (she used to throw things at me and my siblings when i was 10(?) and lash out badly ( ie. she broke my phone after getting mad and got mad at me when i told her to not buy a new one bc it was just cracked))

Honestly, she just makes my life bad and is the source of most of my unhappiness. Every grim negative thought i have had (what you can assume i’m sure) was because of our conversation. She pays for a lot of things, and works many jobs, but she genuinely just makes me miserable and i can’t stand to be around her. But, she’ll also act nice too, and in those moments i love her so much. I can’t deal with her mood swings(?) anymore, would i be warranted for hating her? Maybe i just want somewhere to talk, idk at this point