u/Constant_Tackle_8978

I was living in what the Bible would call sin for many years. Then I picked up a Bible and started reading it to possibly align my life with it.

I felt close to God and was in a church etc, feeling like life was going well for me.

I felt called to make videos etc on the word and my interpretation of it. Then Psycosis hit.

I feel like it is a direct result of possibly being a false prophet. The Bible says He will send a strong delusion to certain people not in the faith.

I realise this may be an unpopular opinion, but I wanted to see if there was anyone else who could relate.

I just need sold straight here.

So I grew up in a broken home. My dad raised me and my 3 brothers. There was a lot of anger and confusion even though my dad claimed to be a Christian. I was the youngest with 3 older brothers.

As far back as I can remember I recall asking God why I was born and if he could just take me in my sleep.

I remember feeling like He said He needed me here.

So anyways, my dad preached on gloom and doom often and the end times but never really showed Christs love or behaved as a believer. I still believed he was saved though bc he’s all I knew.

I can remember being an outcast as a young kid at school, I wasn’t a good student. At home I was quiet and tried to stay away from my older brothers bullying.

As I got older my dad took a fondness to me. He wouldn’t punish me as bad as my brothers. He scared me so I liked this.

When I got into my teens and got my first phone, I became rebellious and premiscuous.

Simotaniously we had started going to church for the first time and I assumed I was saved and baptized. We only went to this church for about 3 years.

I don’t think I really grasped the sin concept. But then again, I must have because I kept my rebellious behaviors hidden.

I ended up marrying bc I didn’t like that lifestyle any longer and had 3 children.

I thought being a believer meant believing in Jesus over other Gods. And I would often pray and try to convince non believers that Jesus is the true God. Although I was a little confused as to why there would be other gods if He was the one true one.

Needless to say my marriage had many struggles involving my alcoholic husband and also my own selfish needs not being met.

After an incident risking my kids lives I divorced my husband.

I did try to find a good man for a while to no avail and fell into a wild lifestyle again.

I had an instance where I felt like God had judged me on earth by removing my lampstand in the midst of my wild living.

I immediately became terrified…tried to explain to family I’d been judged on earth and was damned…and they cited mental illness.

So I went to California for treatment still knowing this was biblical.

I felt like was forgiven in the psyche ward and came home. I entered back into a relationship with someone I was dating during the “break”

We were planning on marrying. But then it didn’t work out.

After that I began to open my Bible and really try to understand who God is and why I kept getting it wrong.

I immersed myself in the word, listening, reading, I started going to church. Volunteering etc.

Life was good and I felt I was on the right track.

In my heart I still wanted a partner and prayed often about it and at one point I met someone I thought could be from God.

Unfortunately we fell into sin.

After that I felt a heavy demonic presence on me and sought out deliverance.

I experienced demons coming out of me.

I felt free and excited.

But then within a few weeks it seems stronger demons came to decieve me and long story short I thought it was God speaking to me and that I was His literal bride or even a female messiah. ( I apologize for the blasphemy)

I’d never experienced anything like this before so I was convinced it had to be God.

I’m an idiot.

I posted to social media about it and rightfully so lost my friends and church community over it.

I know during this I likely said some horrible things about who I am etc that were beyond offensive to Jesus,

In the midst of this, I ended up finding out I owe an incredible amount of back taxes and am in financial ruin, I don’t think the timing is a coincidence.

Also, I have what I can only describe as a blank mind ( I can’t really think or talk about anything but my consequences or God)

I am very scared about the possibility of going to hell and losing all my potential connection to Christ.

I feel I am cut off from Him and my community after all this.

I know God never changes and I am a little frustrated that the gospel I was often taught was more about a loving God than a just and vengeful God. We are to fear Him first and foremost.

That never quite got divulged to me. But reguardless, I take accountability for my actions.

At this point I feel spiritually dead, fearful, living in a state of ruin and judgment and complete separation from God.

Clearly this is the worst state a human being can be in. And even worse that I’ve caused my children confusion,

However, I can only hope that He desires that my family and I do not perish.

If I’m being honest my kids are generally unhappy and do not seem to have joy or hope. The same goes for me.

I personally think I’ve experienced the delusion mentioned in revelation so that believed the “lie”

I have been attending a Baptist church on Sundays and linked up with a spirit filled believer that feels I am savable.

I just don’t see how.

I have no fruits, my business has been handed over to someone else, I owe so much taxes, my kids are confused, I live in fear and dread.

I just don’t know what to do. I am sorry that I sinned against Jesus. He is perfect and I am wicked.

But I feel as if this is like the parable of the 10 virgins, where I didn’t bring oil for the wedding feast and I’ve been snuffed out.

Sorry it was long. But again, Jesus is King and whatever the responses are, I am well aware how stupid and foolish I have been with my one oppertunity at life and relationship with my creator.

Also, I just noticed that I was preached God is love only, and then realised growing up my dad taught a vengeful God. So I want to retract my statements there. I was aware of His vengeful side in my youth but I think it just scared me away from Him and given it came from my hypocritical dad, it was hard to truly know who and what Christ actually stood for. I think later in life, I assumed the idea that God is all love etc based on modern Christianity. Which both are true, but it’s important to understand all the facets of His nature and character to truly know Him.

I will say one of my older brothers found Him. And has such a fruitful life that serves Christ well. I so wish I was able to have been called like Him.