u/Cookieologist1

I know this isn’t the typical question for this sub, but hoping you could provide some prospective on a difficult situation. My FIL is in the early stages of dementia. It’s been going on for about 5 years and has progressed slowly but he is not well. Lots of repeating himself, inability to read social cues or make “normal” conversation. He is difficult to be around, but it truth he always has been and his personality is now just more amplified (always been controlling and struggled in social situations).

Last summer my mother in law did something appalling and violently smashed food in my 8 year old’s face with intention to hurt him. My son and I have been no contact with her since, but my husband and daughter will still see them occasionally even though the relationship has changed significantly. Here’s the issue/question. My husband knows his mom did something heinous and held her accountable but is a more forgiving person than I am. He is very worried about his dad and is upset that the relationship is strained. He wants to be able to invite his dad over but wants to include his mom, which is a no for me. He wants to support her as his dad’s caregiver because that is difficult but I’m struggling to be a supportive wife while keeping my boundary (and respect my son’s boundary too). I do understand it’s his mother and he wants a relationship with her. While I wish things were different, i would never tell him not to have a relationship with his parents. I know this is my mil’s fault, but it is now affecting my marriage and I know my husband will resent me as his dad gets worse or if something happens. I have told him there are many other ways to support his dad (and mom) that don’t involve them coming into my home when I have been clear about my boundary. I’ve said they can go out, he can go there etc. but he wants to make it “easy” and have them over. I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to bend, but I do not want to be the reason he will feel regret down the line. Or at least that he’d blame me for. Any advice on how to make my husband feel supported without compromising my ethics? I can have empathy for the situation without putting my own feelings last, right?

My mil has always been a grating person with a victim mentality and I played along for maaaany years. About a year ago she did something I found to be unforgivable, I told her as such, i was “mean” and went no contact. I don’t want to go into details but it was a very big deal and no contact was warranted. We’ve been at the same events maybe 3-4 times and i avoid her. If she says hello I’ll say hi and keep it moving. My husband is light contact, at first his choice and now because his mom is passive aggressive with him and doesn’t reach out or return his messages. Of course the reason is that we held her accountable for her extremely out of line behavior and so now we’re the ones who have done something wrong. She claims she has tried to apologize and make amends for what she did, but thats simply not true. Talks about me behind my back, lies about what happened. We have two kids whom she also no longer really has a relationship with because of her own choices.

Im the villain in her story of course, because I set a boundary. But what she did actually didnt have anything to do with me, it involved one of our kids. Anyway I just find it comical that she claims she sooo sad to lose the relationships and has been trying to fix it for this whole time when she wont admit she’s done the damage she has done and can’t even do simple things like send a happy mothers day text. I know it doesn’t matter because I won’t speak to her, but if she was really trying to build a bridge she would find a way to show me or her grandkids she cares at all. She tells my sil (also married in - who tells me everything) that she’s been trying and what else can she do blah blah and you want me to believe you called and texted that sil (who also hates her) about mothers day and it didn’t cross her mind that telling me I’m a good mom or something kind would be a positive step for her to take? Listen, I know it’s dumb because I don’t want to talk to her and I won’t talk to her, but I’m just saying if I were in her position I would do any and everything I could to make nice with me so I could have a relationship with my grandkids. That would go against her victim act, but wild a simple Mother’s Day text was even too hard for the woman who has “tired everything.”