u/CoolWish9448

So basically, yesterday my family snooped through my room and found my stuff like my diary, sketchbooks containing my Hellboy studies and nude studies, but mostly my bibble that I vandalized and my witchcraft stuff. From my grimoire to my Tarot deck, everything. The addict I live with proceeded to start wailing out to everyone in the neighborhood, and I just came clean and told them everything that Christianity has done to me and not done for me.

My brother proceeded to say "get your shit and get the fuck out". The addict's wife said "you should let that go". The addict just played victim and said "I never did all that!!!"

Now I wake up, shower, pay day from my first job being close, you know, the good day. And I hear this addict yelling and screaming "DEMONS! NO DEMONS SHALL COME IN THIS HOUSE!!!" and just being a loud nuisance at like 5 in the morning, still dark. And I know Christians are gonna be like "OH YOURE SCARED BECAUSE ITS A DEMON IN YOU!!!". Brother, who tf wouldn't be scared at some middle aged man who, was naked btw, yelling that everything's a demon's fault instead of his own for being an addict.

He started saying some bullshit that I know isn't a damn language at all, just some baby babbling, and I just left after watering my plants. I know Christianity is performative, but like, this counts as some type of religious psychosis right? I mean, he's using it to basically help him deny ever abusing his family and even justifying it, and that's basically just manipulator behaviour 101: deny.

Edit: Just realized that I'm basically not any different from this guy (ie: practicing witchcraft), because that's genuinely brought me comfort and guidance in many many instances, but I guess it's the fact that I don't use it to justify shitty behaviour or deny anything that ive done (my deck had told me some really blunt stuff in the past lol). Either way, it's not like it's any different.

It's official. I might be moving out May or June of next year. Keyword might, but I really REALLY hope it'll stick by that time. And I don't want to carry of this bullshit with me. This bullshit trauma. This bullshit brain of mine. This bullshit life I have. And I need some help from others who have left or are leaving and dealing with their own traumas to try and deal with these things because I fucking hate having them inside of me as I get older and being a crybaby.

The people I live with projected onto me that I had to be a good person, and how should I do that? Basically become a walking doormat for others and read the bibble. They told me to be nice and polite of course, but I picked up these good habits from teachers who explained to me as a child that not everyone deserves said kindness freely if they prove to be a bad person too. It was a bit difficult for me to understand, and the addict I live with said,

"Oh, they're trying to tempt you into committing disobedience. They're demons in disguise."

Now I'm older (19 f), and I struggle with just seeing what I've done and said as enough and as "proof" that I'm a good person. "Prove" to myself and to those people that I live with that I can be good, do good, live a good life, have a good moral compass, good everything.

I felt something trigger me when someone in my workplace said that the behaviour of the worker reflects on the company. And I understand what they mean because it actually does for this job that I do, but it took me back to the times the people I live with would say whenever I did something "bad" according to them,

"You're supposed to be good!"

"You're supposed to be the one to raise the family flag high!"

"What you do and how you are as a person reflects on who we are as parents!!"

"You're supposed to be better than them!!"

"We raised you to be better!! Now you're worse than criminals!!!"

Definitely not their fault that I'm so afraid to talk, am a people pleaser, a perfectionistic bitch who can't seem to relax and leave myself alone. Definitely not their fault I'm burnt out and scared to come home or tell them of my achievements. Definitely not their fault I hate celebrating anything with them. Definitely not their fault I don't want to live with them. Definitely not their fault I just don't want to live anymore.

I hate this feeling so much, and I've been grieving my inner child for so long this year and I can't stop cycling between tears and anger. I just wish I could choose for her to not have had such people living with her and stuck inside of her mind and body. I just wish I could tell her that's it's okay to just not trust people you've met once and not obey them. I wish I could tell her that I'm a better person than them. I wish she could be satisfied with herself. I wish she could love herself and treat herself to things she wasn't allowed to. I wish that she'll be happy.

He looks drunk or high as hell and he's yelling at random people who aren't minding him of course. Something something "repent, the end times are coming" yada yada "y'all aren't going to heaven cuz y'all are godless" etc etc. It's so annoying when this shit happens. But hey, Christianity is a peaceful religion that doesn't promote harassment and public disturbance.

Anyway I'm listening to Ghost's Satanized in my headphones and writing some non married sex rn. Life is good.

Just a vent.

I hate how I feel safer in really strange places I've never been to before or simply surrounded by strangers. I hate how I feel safer in places I'm not allowed to go to (like pubs, bars, casino's). I hate how I feel safer surrounded by people who aren't Christian like how I was raised to be (I'm currently deconstructing). I even feel safer in a strangers car than my own home.

I'm working on going off grid from my family, but when I thought of how much safer I feel anywhere else but my own home, I started feeling distressed and teary. Because a home shouldn't make me feel scared. A family shouldn't make me feel bad about my existence. A family shouldn't make me feel bad about how I feel with the way they treat eachother. A family shouldn't have made me so afraid of the concept of marriage or relationships or men or anything that isn't "holy".

I hate how I'll need to keep going back to that place because I don't have my own roof yet.