u/Cool_Combination2998

I started seeing this woman about 4ish months ago. We met in a dating app. We are both in our 30s and women. We get along very well, we really enjoy spending time together, we’ve gone on dates, had sleepovers, I feel strong chemistry when around her, and communication usually goes well. She is typically pretty grounded and I appreciate that as it helps me stay grounded as well.

Due to her previous relationship history she has expressed to me that she does have some avoidant tendencies. I have definitely noticed. But I get it, we all have stuff. I have stuff too. I’m willing to have patience, not induce unnecessary pressure, go slow, etc. But if I am going to put that effort in for someone else I expect someone to do that for me as well.

I am a fearful/disorganized avoidant and I fluctuate between anxious and avoidant. But in general I feel like I am pretty close to secure attachment at this point. I’m actively in therapy working on healing attachment wounds and dealing with some of trauma I have experienced in my life. But obviously I know I’m not perfect.

For the first two months things were fun and light but she very quickly started acting very relationship like with me and calling me “baby” and “sweetheart” etc. I thought this met she felt similarly to me so I allowed myself to relax into the connection and reciprocated but not as intensely. And about a month ago, I came to realize that I really liked her and I wanted to just focus on her. I asked if she wanted to do the same. She said she wasn’t ready because she has always been dumped between 3-6 months of a relationship and it’s hard for her to feel safe at that point. She wants to know someone is just going to stick around before she allows that person to be her girlfriend. I told her I understood. She originally gave me a timeline of a year for her needing to decide but with this conversation I think she started realizing that was a big excessive. But still couldn’t really give me a timeline. We agreed to keep going as is until it didn’t feel good to me anymore. But I did tell her she can’t keep acting relationship like with me like that unless she actually wanted to move in that direction. Initially she acted like she wasn’t doing that when I had first brought it up to her, but when I doubled down she acknowledged that she had been.

Things had gone back to being light and fun and just enjoying each other’s company since then.

Yesterday, she came over in the morning to spend some time together after hanging out and having some great conversation, cuddling and just having a good morning together. After she left, I was being flirty and joking with her in text after she left about how hot she is. She then replied to this text referring to herself as my girlfriend. When I pointed this out, she was flirty again in her reply saying we can talk about that later with an “lol” at the end. I took this to mean we were going to be having a conversation soon about where we were headed. So I was flirty back and accepting of the label and got to work processing so I would be ready for this conversation. I started reevaluating if being her girlfriend was something I still wanted. I had a whole processing conversation with my therapist about it.

I do believe that most people would have received the same message I did from that text exchange. I feel like if she did not actually mean that she wanted me to move forward to that being her label with me, she could have clarified in the moment when I asked. A simple “sorry, that was the wrong choice of words. I didn’t mean anything by it” but instead in a cutesy, flirty way she told me that we can talk about it later. To me that implies that there is actually something to talk about. This sent me into processing mode and brought up all of the same feelings I had been keeping at bay to give her time and space due to her avoidance issues so that I wouldn’t get heartbroken.

But then she continued to not address it that night, or the next day. And finally after her not even mentioning it the next morning it occurred to me that maybe this is a repeat of before. So I mentioned it to her how the use of that label made me feel and how refusing to talk about it now was short circuiting my brain. And sure enough...she says she did not refer to herself as my girlfriend with the intent of it having any meaning behind it. She did not mean that she wants to move our relationship forward at this time. She was apologetic and understanding and did not get defensive or dismiss my feelings, so I feel ok about that.

But the avoidance is truly starting to make this connection feel emotionally unsafe for me. It’s one thing to have avoidant tendencies and be working on it. I am more than willing to be patient and kind and considerate and not to do things that trigger attachment wounds in her. But this situation very much so felt like she was not providing me the same consideration.

I told her last night that I needed time to think. I am very busy with work for the next 3 days, and I didn’t want us to both just sit and fester in hurt and/or anger. So this morning I explained to her how I asked her not to do these things because it makes me feel emotionally unsafe. I can handle slow progression, but I can’t handle the inconsistency of the relationship-like intimacy and language coming and going so unpredictably.

In a previous very long relationship I was in my partner significantly messed with my mind in similar ways. They did dismiss my feelings whenever I would bring it up, so at least she didn’t do that. She was apologetic and acknowledging. The inconsistency in her affection and the hesitancy or plain just not even considering my needs if they clash with her own are really starting to make me feel emotionally unsafe in our connection.

So I told her how this situation made me feel. I told her she can have time to think and she can talk to me in person when she feels ready.

I think I handled this situation well. Certainly much better than what I would’ve 2 years ago. But there is still that pesky bug in the back of my head telling me that by holding firm in my needs and boundaries I am being too harsh and now I’m applying pressure to the situation and pushing her away.

I started seeing this woman about 4ish months ago. We met in a dating app. We are both in our 30s and women. We get along very well, we really enjoy spending time together, we’ve gone on dates, had sleepovers, I feel strong chemistry when around her, and communication usually goes well. She is typically pretty grounded and I appreciate that as it helps me stay grounded as well.

Due to her previous relationship history she has expressed to me that she does have some avoidant tendencies. I have definitely noticed. But I get it, we all have stuff. I have stuff too. I’m willing to have patience, not induce unnecessary pressure, go slow, etc. But if I am going to put that effort in for someone else I expect someone to do that for me as well.

I am a fearful/disorganized avoidant and I fluctuate between anxious and avoidant. But in general I feel like I am pretty close to secure attachment at this point. I’m actively in therapy working on healing attachment wounds and dealing with some of trauma I have experienced in my life. But obviously I know I’m not perfect.

For the first two months things were fun and light but she very quickly started acting very relationship like with me and calling me “baby” and “sweetheart” etc. I thought this met she felt similarly to me so I allowed myself to relax into the connection and reciprocated but not as intensely. And about a month ago, I came to realize that I really liked her and I wanted to just focus on her. I asked if she wanted to do the same. She said she wasn’t ready because she has always been dumped between 3-6 months of a relationship and it’s hard for her to feel safe at that point. She wants to know someone is just going to stick around before she allows that person to be her girlfriend. I told her I understood. She originally gave me a timeline of a year for her needing to decide but with this conversation I think she started realizing that was a big excessive. But still couldn’t really give me a timeline. We agreed to keep going as is until it didn’t feel good to me anymore. But I did tell her she can’t keep acting relationship like with me like that unless she actually wanted to move in that direction. Initially she acted like she wasn’t doing that when I had first brought it up to her, but when I doubled down she acknowledged that she had been.

Things had gone back to being light and fun and just enjoying each other’s company since then.

Yesterday, she came over in the morning to spend some time together after hanging out and having some great conversation, cuddling and just having a good morning together. After she left, I was being flirty and joking with her in text after she left about how hot she is. She then replied to this text referring to herself as my girlfriend. When I pointed this out, she was flirty again in her reply saying we can talk about that later with an “lol” at the end. I took this to mean we were going to be having a conversation soon about where we were headed. So I was flirty back and accepting of the label and got to work processing so I would be ready for this conversation. I started reevaluating if being her girlfriend was something I still wanted. I had a whole processing conversation with my therapist about it.

I do believe that most people would have received the same message I did from that text exchange. I feel like if she did not actually mean that she wanted me to move forward to that being her label with me, she could have clarified in the moment when I asked. A simple “sorry, that was the wrong choice of words. I didn’t mean anything by it” but instead in a cutesy, flirty way she told me that we can talk about it later. To me that implies that there is actually something to talk about. This sent me into processing mode and brought up all of the same feelings I had been keeping at bay to give her time and space due to her avoidance issues so that I wouldn’t get heartbroken.

But then she continued to not address it that night, or the next day. And finally after her not even mentioning it the next morning it occurred to me that maybe this is a repeat of before. So I mentioned it to her how the use of that label made me feel and how refusing to talk about it now was short circuiting my brain. And sure enough...she says she did not refer to herself as my girlfriend with the intent of it having any meaning behind it. She did not mean that she wants to move our relationship forward at this time. She was apologetic and understanding and did not get defensive or dismiss my feelings, so I feel ok about that.

But the avoidance is truly starting to make this connection feel emotionally unsafe for me. It’s one thing to have avoidant tendencies and be working on it. I am more than willing to be patient and kind and considerate and not to do things that trigger attachment wounds in her. But this situation very much so felt like she was not providing me the same consideration.

I told her last night that I needed time to think. I am very busy with work for the next 3 days, and I didn’t want us to both just sit and fester in hurt and/or anger. So this morning I explained to her how I asked her not to do these things because it makes me feel emotionally unsafe. I can handle slow progression, but I can’t handle the inconsistency of the relationship-like intimacy and language coming and going so unpredictably.

In a previous very long relationship I was in my partner significantly messed with my mind in similar ways. They did dismiss my feelings whenever I would bring it up, so at least she didn’t do that. She was apologetic and acknowledging. The inconsistency in her affection and the hesitancy or plain just not even considering my needs if they clash with her own are really starting to make me feel emotionally unsafe in our connection.

So I told her how this situation made me feel. I told her she can have time to think and she can talk to me in person when she feels ready.

I think I handled this situation well. Certainly much better than what I would’ve 2 years ago. But there is still that pesky bug in the back of my head telling me that by holding firm in my needs and boundaries I am being too harsh and now I’m applying pressure to the situation and pushing her away.

I started seeing this woman about 4ish months ago. We met in a dating app. We are both in our 30s and women. We get along very well, we really enjoy spending time together, we’ve gone on dates, had sleepovers, I feel strong chemistry when around her, and communication usually goes well. She is typically pretty grounded and I appreciate that as it helps me stay grounded as well.

Due to her previous relationship history she has expressed to me that she does have some avoidant tendencies. I have definitely noticed. But I get it, we all have stuff. I have stuff too. I’m willing to have patience, not induce unnecessary pressure, go slow, etc. But if I am going to put that effort in for someone else I expect someone to do that for me as well.

I am a fearful/disorganized avoidant and I fluctuate between anxious and avoidant. But in general I feel like I am pretty close to secure attachment at this point. I’m actively in therapy working on healing attachment wounds and dealing with some of trauma I have experienced in my life. But obviously I know I’m not perfect.

For the first two months things were fun and light but she very quickly started acting very relationship like with me and calling me “baby” and “sweetheart” etc. I thought this met she felt similarly to me so I allowed myself to relax into the connection and reciprocated but not as intensely. And about a month ago, I came to realize that I really liked her and I wanted to just focus on her. I asked if she wanted to do the same. She said she wasn’t ready because she has always been dumped between 3-6 months of a relationship and it’s hard for her to feel safe at that point. She wants to know someone is just going to stick around before she allows that person to be her girlfriend. I told her I understood. She originally gave me a timeline of a year for her needing to decide but with this conversation I think she started realizing that was a big excessive. But still couldn’t really give me a timeline. We agreed to keep going as is until it didn’t feel good to me anymore. But I did tell her she can’t keep acting relationship like with me like that unless she actually wanted to move in that direction. Initially she acted like she wasn’t doing that when I had first brought it up to her, but when I doubled down she acknowledged that she had been.

Things had gone back to being light and fun and just enjoying each other’s company since then.

Yesterday, she came over in the morning to spend some time together after hanging out and having some great conversation, cuddling and just having a good morning together. After she left, I was being flirty and joking with her in text after she left about how hot she is. She then replied to this text referring to herself as my girlfriend. When I pointed this out, she was flirty again in her reply saying we can talk about that later with an “lol” at the end. I took this to mean we were going to be having a conversation soon about where we were headed. So I was flirty back and accepting of the label and got to work processing so I would be ready for this conversation. I started reevaluating if being her girlfriend was something I still wanted. I had a whole processing conversation with my therapist about it.

I do believe that most people would have received the same message I did from that text exchange. I feel like if she did not actually mean that she wanted me to move forward to that being her label with me, she could have clarified in the moment when I asked. A simple “sorry, that was the wrong choice of words. I didn’t mean anything by it” but instead in a cutesy, flirty way she told me that we can talk about it later. To me that implies that there is actually something to talk about. This sent me into processing mode and brought up all of the same feelings I had been keeping at bay to give her time and space due to her avoidance issues so that I wouldn’t get heartbroken.

But then she continued to not address it that night, or the next day. And finally after her not even mentioning it the next morning it occurred to me that maybe this is a repeat of before. So I mentioned it to her how the use of that label made me feel and how refusing to talk about it now was short circuiting my brain. And sure enough...she says she did not refer to herself as my girlfriend with the intent of it having any meaning behind it. She did not mean that she wants to move our relationship forward at this time. She was apologetic and understanding and did not get defensive or dismiss my feelings, so I feel ok about that.

But the avoidance is truly starting to make this connection feel emotionally unsafe for me. It’s one thing to have avoidant tendencies and be working on it. I am more than willing to be patient and kind and considerate and not to do things that trigger attachment wounds in her. But this situation very much so felt like she was not providing me the same consideration.

I told her last night that I needed time to think. I am very busy with work for the next 3 days, and I didn’t want us to both just sit and fester in hurt and/or anger. So this morning I explained to her how I asked her not to do these things because it makes me feel emotionally unsafe. I can handle slow progression, but I can’t handle the inconsistency of the relationship-like intimacy and language coming and going so unpredictably.

In a previous very long relationship I was in my partner significantly messed with my mind in similar ways. They did dismiss my feelings whenever I would bring it up, so at least she didn’t do that. She was apologetic and acknowledging. The inconsistency in her affection and the hesitancy or plain just not even considering my needs if they clash with her own are really starting to make me feel emotionally unsafe in our connection.

So I told her how this situation made me feel. I told her she can have time to think and she can talk to me in person when she feels ready.

I think I handled this situation well. Certainly much better than what I would’ve 2 years ago. But there is still that pesky bug in the back of my head telling me that by holding firm in my needs and boundaries I am being too harsh and now I’m applying pressure to the situation and pushing her away.

“Fuck it”
It’s all too much.

The chips and guac go down with ease as I gulp a 7up behind each bite
I ensure each mouthful is chewed and chewed and chewed until the consistency is like paste in my mouth before I eventually swallow
I feel the mass in the center of my chest like a rock inside of me as it moves slowly down my throat
I visualize the sodium and potassium ions crossing a membrane inside of the cells within the smooth muscle of my esophagus and words like “action potential” and calcium channels being triggered
(or something like that)
all far beyond my control
I think, as I ruminate back to all of the hours of studying back in school
The smooth muscle of my esophagus doing exactly as it is supposed to do

I open a package of skittles and greedily cram a handful in my mouth
A red and a green one tumble from my grasp to the floor before making it there
I both savor the sweetness of each individual morsel and desperately attempt to devour as much as I can as quickly as possible
The duality of it confuses me

I imagine the energy of the food I am consuming becoming a part of me as I gorge

I feel that once seemingly bottomless pit begin to feel not so bottomless anymore

I gather more food, it doesn’t matter what it is anymore
I’m so close now

That hollow part inside of me begins to fill as my stomach gets heavier,
I fill up every inch
up to my heart
until it feels like it will surely spillover

And that familiar but oppressive darkness begins to fall over my vision as I run up the stairs

I turn on the water in the sink to cover the noise (although there really isn’t any anymore)
Fingers reaching the back of my throat
Terrible nausea overwhelms me
I silently gag and cough
My throat is aflame as I feel the release begin

It doesn’t come in chunks though

It comes up really easy cause I’m too good at this
(Or so I thought)

That’s why I chew everything so much
And I always drink something after each bite

This causes the least amount of damage
(Or so I thought)

As I offer up my innards to the God I am currently worshiping I feel myself equalizing again

I need a glass of water.

“Fuck it”
It’s all too much.

The chips and guac go down with ease as I gulp a 7up behind each bite
I ensure each mouthful is chewed and chewed and chewed until the consistency is like paste in my mouth before I eventually swallow
I feel the mass in the center of my chest like a rock inside of me as it moves slowly down my throat
I visualize the sodium and potassium ions crossing a membrane inside of the cells within the smooth muscle of my esophagus and words like “action potential” and calcium channels being triggered
(or something like that)
all far beyond my control
I think, as I ruminate back to all of the hours of studying back in school
The smooth muscle of my esophagus doing exactly as it is supposed to do

I open a package of skittles and greedily cram a handful in my mouth
A red and a green one tumble from my grasp to the floor before making it there
I both savor the sweetness of each individual morsel and desperately attempt to devour as much as I can as quickly as possible
The duality of it confuses me

I imagine the energy of the food I am consuming becoming a part of me as I gorge

I feel that once seemingly bottomless pit begin to feel not so bottomless anymore

I gather more food, it doesn’t matter what it is anymore
I’m so close now

That hollow part inside of me begins to fill as my stomach gets heavier,
I fill up every inch
up to my heart
until it feels like it will surely spillover

And that familiar but oppressive darkness begins to fall over my vision as I run up the stairs

I turn on the water in the sink to cover the noise (although there really isn’t any anymore)
Fingers reaching the back of my throat
Terrible nausea overwhelms me
I silently gag and cough
My throat is aflame as I feel the release begin

It doesn’t come in chunks though

It comes up really easy cause I’m too good at this
(Or so I thought)

That’s why I chew everything so much
And I always drink something after each bite

This causes the least amount of damage
(Or so I thought)

As I offer up my innards to the God I am currently worshiping I feel myself equalizing again

I need a glass of water.

TRIGGER WARNING: bulimia, disordered eating

“Fuck it”
It’s all too much.

The chips and guac go down with ease as I gulp a 7up behind each bite
I ensure each mouthful is chewed and chewed and chewed until the consistency is like paste in my mouth before I eventually swallow
I feel the mass in the center of my chest like a rock inside of me as it moves slowly down my throat
I visualize the sodium and potassium ions crossing a membrane inside of the cells within the smooth muscle of my esophagus and words like “action potential” and calcium channels being triggered
(or something like that)
all far beyond my control
I think, as I ruminate back to all of the hours of studying back in school
The smooth muscle of my esophagus doing exactly as it is supposed to do

I open a package of skittles and greedily cram a handful in my mouth
A red and a green one tumble from my grasp to the floor before making it there
I both savor the sweetness of each individual morsel and desperately attempt to devour as much as I can as quickly as possible
The duality of it confuses me

I imagine the energy of the food I am consuming becoming a part of me as I gorge

I feel that once seemingly bottomless pit begin to feel not so bottomless anymore

I gather more food, it doesn’t matter what it is anymore
I’m so close now

That hollow part inside of me begins to fill as my stomach gets heavier,
I fill up every inch
up to my heart
until it feels like it will surely spillover

And that familiar but oppressive darkness begins to fall over my vision as I run up the stairs

I turn on the water in the sink to cover the noise (although there really isn’t any anymore)
Fingers reaching the back of my throat
Terrible nausea overwhelms me
I silently gag and cough
My throat is aflame as I feel the release begin

It doesn’t come in chunks though

It comes up really easy cause I’m too good at this
(Or so I thought)

That’s why I chew everything so much
And I always drink something after each bite

This causes the least amount of damage
(Or so I thought)

As I offer up my innards to the God I am currently worshiping I feel myself equalizing again

I need a glass of water.