u/Correct-Divide-9341

*I apologize in advance this is long also the Trigger warning comes in later in case anyone is wondering*

So, I've had bad dads all my life both my bio dad and my step dad, I'm putting the Nsfw tag on because the thing with my step dad is on the verge of SA. To start with my dad, all my life he's yelled at me or my mom, and as of currently my step mom. My dad always makes her cry and fortunately with his new job he isn't home on weekdays but he is on weekends and literally all I heard last weekend every day was him yelling at her over something. My example of this was him yelling at her for going to the store to get a steak and him being mad about her not spending time with him while he was here when HE WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED HER TO GET STEAK. Another example that I heard just from this weekend was he was getting mad for the same thing when she was literally downstairs with him the whole time all she was doing was either doing dishes or coloring in this book she has (bc apparently "spending time with someone" means you have to talk to them at all times and if your on your phone you aren't spending time") I genuinely don't feel safe with him and I feel like I can't do anything outside of the house like a normal young adult would without him getting mad. I'm convinced he has undiagnosed bpd or npd also because he never or rarely changes his behavior or apologizes and he never wants to blame the reason for him being angry on himself he always is convinced it's someone else fault and will often tell us stuff like "you're being dumb" "what your doing is stupid" and "use your brain".

Now on to my step dad (this is where the trigger warning comes in) when I was around 12 my step dad came into my room and I honestly was a very naive 12 year old and would hang out in my room in my bra and underwear at the time. One day he came into my room and told me to do this position where he said he saw a trend where only certain people could do it and he said he told my step sister/his daughter to do the same. (The position was putting your legs up and behind your head) I don't remember much but I do remember it feeling weird and he had his phone out and was laughing. I'm not sure if he was taking videos or photos or what. However, since it felt off to me even in the moment I had told my mom what had happened, later that day she said she talked to my step dad and she had asked my step sister about him asking her to do the same thing I did but when my mom asked my step sister she said she had no idea what my mom was talking about. Unfortunately, my mom is still with him because she hopes that it was "innocent" but considering the fact he lied about having my step sister do it and also the fact after I had told my mom about it he started being really rude and horrible to me from when I was 12-currently I don't think it was innocent. Lately both these things have been giving me stress and lately I've been having more panic attacks and flashbacks about the step dad thing. I just don't know what to do cause nowhere is safe for me when I'm on breaks for college.

*Also if anyone knows the specific name for this type of SA I'd actually like to know if it has any specific name or not I feel like it could be helpful knowledge

My dad thankfully is gone on weekdays but when he's here on weekends it's horrible. All of last weekend for example literally every single day he was yelling at my step mom over something silly such as "you aren't spending time with me" when she literally is hanging out with him downstairs watching a movie or just coloring in a little book during it.. or blaming her or me and my step sisters for being lazy and not helping around the house but when he's here he doesn't help at all the most cleaning I've ever seen him do is clean my room sometimes when I'm away at college which isn't relatively that difficult considering my room is fairly clean. My dad also makes my step mom cry often. I feel unsafe here genuinely and I hate how long college breaks are for it. I would stay with friends but none of them are close enough where I could be with them for the majority of the day. Its also been hard dating wise because I feel like I can't go out like an adult because of him without him getting mad about something. It's honestly all exhausting and sometimes it's to the point where I have thoughts that something horrible would happen to him just so we all have an escape from him. I'm tired of yelling and I hate having to be his idea of perfection just so I don't get yelled at. I know nothing can be done but I'm just hoping for support I guess or maybe coping mechanisms. I think the worst part is that after he yells he acts like everything is fine or he "apologizes" to me or my step mom but then he doesn't change his behavior. I genuinely believe he has undiagnosed bpd or npd because he also never wants to admit he's in the wrong or he feels as if we're being "disrespectful" we get yelled at. Thankfully it's never gotten physical but he still throws stuff sometimes at us or across the room sometimes I'm afraid one of these days it will get physical.