Wow. Never thought this day would come. My FA monkeybranched on me, and he's still together with his rebound. We don't follow each other on any platform, so we're completely in the dark about each other's lives.
What saved me was my group of friends, this subreddit and therapy. I came to realise that my ex has several traits that are consistent with covert narcissism. I started to understand that the ways he treated me were nothing short of actual emotional abuse. I used to feel like a loser at the beginning, but now I feel like one.
Sure, my ex had a shitty childhood and his own traumas, and those probably affected why he grew up to be FA/covert narc. But still - he CHOSE to behave in a certain way towards me. He wasn't drunk, psychotic or suffering from amnesia. He was an adult man - emotionally immature, no doubt - but he still chose to behave in a shitty way that left me with PTSD. I'm in therapy and taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
My feelings were never too much. My love was always 100% real and deep. He was just the wrong person. He had the choice to self-reflect, go to therapy, face his inner demons - and he chose not to. Instead of improving and healing, he wanted to stay the same. He didn't want to change. He monkeybranched to a woman, who by all accounts is an overt narc and doesn't care about his feelings, as long as she's the centre of attention. She gets to control him; he gets to distract himself.
I see now more clearly that I was just a supply. In the beginning, when I gave freely, he stayed. When I started expressing my own needs and asking for mutual effort, he bolted. I used to blame myself, but I see now that, to him, it was always a capacity issue.
I feel repulsed when I think about the fact that he chose to stay as he is. He is still out there, draining his supply. He will never change. I will never give him the satisfaction of reaching out and breaking NC, inflating his ego by making him think I still cry after him. I want him to feel my silence and absence. When his rebound will inevitably crash at some point, I want him to feel the consequences. I won't be there to see it, but I want karma to bite his ass.
I'm still healing. But one thing I'm sure about - my life in the future will be better than it was with him, because I've put in the work to heal. Trust the process.