Help me move on and stop being so angry
Help me move on
I’m loosing my mind
I need help guys. I need to figure out how to move on without being so damn angry. Ive been trying to rationalize this for weeks but I just end up more and more confused. You’re probably gunna be even more confused than me after reading this so maybe prepare yourselves? You’re also probably gunna call me a dumb but it’s ok I’ve already done that part for you. Anyhoo this is a throw away account because the minor details of this story is probably already screaming my identity. Also this post is gunna be long so if you don’t wanna waste your time im giving you an out now. So I’m a f( 30) and technically im a closeted bisexual. My friends and close family know but I guess the ones that “matter” don’t know. My ex is a f (31) and closeted as well. Only difference is only a select few people in her life know. I think this is key as to why she behaves the way she does. If no one really knows you’re in a relationship do you even have to respect it or see it as real yourself? You can decide. So we were together for 18 months. We met on a dating site after I had gotten out of a 6 year relationship. I was single for about 6 months before I decided to jump back into the pool. I had already mentally checked out of my last relationship so I was estactic to get back out there but not looking for anything specific. I meet this really cool and really beautiful woman. She told me shortly after we met she suffers from mental health issues. Crazy that she was exactly my type and shared a similar sense of humor to myself. She’s dated women plenty, certainly more than myself, but had never been in a committed relationship with one. I had but it was triggering to say the least. We date for 3 months before I asked to be official. She had her reservations about her ability to partake in a relationship (which should have been a bright red flaming flag) but we both decided to see where things went. I was so into this woman I would sit and take notes about her meds just so I could understand her better! We had our ups and downs and honestly when we were good we were great but I felt like my boundaries were constantly tested. I’m an empath so I feel everything and literally aim to treat everyone with respect and grace. It’s a bad trait of mine because people often try to take advantage of that. I wanted to do this relationship right so I tried to be understanding and very lax but I think along the way things were misconstrued. She has the tendency to communicate with men about absolutely nothing. Often ending calls with I love you (claims it’s all platonic and I’ve never caught her cheating so I gave her the benefit of the doubt). She also seems to get a kick out of entertaining people online. I used to call her Kevin hart because she was funny as heck and just loved showing off online, saying anything for giggles. Addicted to her phone is an understatement. I mean she’s on it at all hours of the day and night. It’s mind boggling to me because on one hand this woman claims she’s so secure in herself and her life but all her actions seem to be searching for approval from people who do absolutely nothing for her. I really hate to look at things from the perspective of “after everything I’ve done for you” but I literally was there for her at her complete lowest, because I loved and valued her. I mean down to quiting her job the day after we started talking (the reason was understandable but still). I’m not even going to go into the rest because honestly it’s embarrassing. Long story short we’re hanging out one weekend and the disrespect is just stunning. So much so that I’m silent most of the weekend because I’m trying to process wtf is actually happening without losing it. She has a male friend who is completely in love with her but she wasn’t physically involved with him for personal reasons. They have a close friendship which involves constant calls and I love yous. All weekend, just constantly updating one another on their day. Mind you we don’t live together so imagine what it’s like when I’m not around. I know we are our own people so for certain reasons I didn’t make a big fuss about it. My only request was to not speak to him around me because their friendship literally mirrored a situation from my past minus the intimacy between the two of them. Despite her saying she would never take it there with him (and I believe that) I find it completely deplorable to acknowledge my frustration and still say to me because we don’t own one another she doesn’t feel the need to change her communication and she doesn’t see the point in not doing it around me because it would be as if she was hiding something. It’s her actions and the fact that she makes herself to available to these people and I’m the one tryna make sure she’s happy and healthy at the end of every day. That was literally the last straw for me. I’m in such a state of mental shock that the last year and a half don’t even feel real. If I didn’t have the pictures I would think it’s a dream because yeah she could be a jerk but I’d never thought this was in her character to just not care. At that point I gained a bit of clarity and the words she would always echo “I value you” literally were clearly a lie from the start. I was going to return her belongings but randomly 5 weeks later I’m scrolling my social media feed and see she got a birthday gift for a well know content creator in her city. I couldn’t help but laugh because I did a favor her before the end of our relationship and it hasn’t been repayed. I said forget it because I was just over the communication and didn’t wanna do the back and forth about the situation when I broke up with her but the fact that she can consider total randoms that do the bare minimum, but give me the littlest consideration when I was her “favorite person” is pure insanity! I mean at least she got a shoutout and a free service in exchange for her gesture like she wanted right? Just grossly insane. I feel robbed of my time, effort, resources and flat out my love. I did things for this woman and went to what feels like the moon for her time and time again and in the end our relationship was ended because of her lack of respect and curtsy. Please don’t be harsh I know I probably should have ended things long ago I just don’t understand how you can give some much of everything and have it be in vain.