u/Courage_The_Coal

TW for child SA

Hi, I made a substack to write about my journey towards healing from child sexual abuse. It's non-fiction although all names are changed. We start the story with the dynamic between me and my grandmother who perpetrated my abuse. Then we move into my relationships as I grew up and how her abuse left me vulnerable to more people who did me harm. I also touch on how her abuse affected my growth as a teen.

I write for fellow victims of child sexual abuse, but to be more specific, for victims of non-contact sexual abuse as this isn't talked about nearly enough.

When I was a kid I was abused by my grandma. She never touched me but she masturbated in front of me for years. I got recommended a video on YouTube of a woman being arrested for masturbating in public and I thought it might be healing to watch a woman get the punishment she deserves and instead the comments were full of people empathizing with her and saying she's not a real criminal and GIVING ADVICE on how to get out of this situation in the future. Keep in mind the people who called the cops were a family and their kids had witnessed what she was doing. Now I feel like garbage and I feel like the entire world doesn't believe that what I went through was abuse. I really need support right now

Sometimes I Think My Granny Is A Wolf

Granny picks me up from school because mommy and daddy work late. I do my homework first, then I play outside or watch TV with her. She tells me stories about when she was younger. She crochets blankets and mittens. She makes the best soup and peanut butter cookies. My granny is mostly nice.

But sometimes I think Granny is a wolf.

Granny looks like a wolf in the car.

She says the forest lining the highway calls her home. She puts her led paw on the petal and presses as hard as she can. Roadsigns reflect yellow in her eyes as the wind blows her long white hair around her skin like fur. Mommy says I have to be on my best behavior so Granny doesn't drive too fast.

Granny sounds like a wolf in the bathroom.

I used to use the toilet while she was in the bath.

She howled in the tub with the showerhead beneath the water. I washed my hands but they still felt icky. I try to hold my pee until she gets out of the bathroom now.

Granny feels like a wolf in her bed.

She reads little pink books and grabs at her sheets. I hear her fingernails like claws scrape the fabric. I focus on the TV, and try to let The Creator distract me. But no episode of Drake and Josh ever makes me feel safe.

Today at school I learned about stranger danger.

They taught me about bad touches in private places and men in dark allies. That must be so scary. Maybe Granny's not so bad. Sure, she looks like a wolf sometimes, but Granny never looks like a stranger.