u/Courtney_dgaf

I don't think I was even asleep for three hours. I don't remember what it was about, and that's unusual for me.

I went ahead and took one of my anxiety pills because I was feeling scared.

I'm still scared, to be honest. I don't know of what, though. It's so annoying.

"Danger!"

"Where?"

"I don't know!"

"What is the threat?"

"I don't know!"

"Alright then."

"Watch out!"

Sigh.

I did have Forensic Files playing on the TV, so maybe that caused me to have a bad dream. I changed it to Mike and Molly instead. I should just turn the TV off, but I don't want to be alone right now.

I know I'm still technically alone, but the noise from the TV makes me feel less alone. In moments like this I would like to be able to reach for someone and ask them to hold me.

But that's stupid because I don't need anyone and I know that. I don't want to need anyone ever again. I NEED to be tougher. I NEED to be all I need.

My weaknesses frustrate me. Some people will say that needing others is not a weakness, but it is in my world. My needs are never met unless I meet them myself.

I HAVE to be self-reliant. There is no other option. When I reach for others I am rebuffed. It hurts me and I am tired of that.

So, here I am at 4am typing a diary entry on reddit so I feel less alone. I am feeling three different things—scared, tired, and frustrated.

I'm also kind of hungry. I want something to snack on, but that will have to wait.

It just occurred to me that there's something kind of funny about the way I am positioned in bed right now.

I'm on all fours with my butt in the air. I used to sleep like this when I was a little kid. Arms tucked underneath myself with my butt in the air. I find it funny that I still do this as an adult when I'm feeling really bad.

I guess there are some things we don't grow out of. It's a version of the fetal position, which makes sense to me. There's something very comforting about it. It makes me feel safe.

Anyway, I'm just dumping my brain at this point. Maybe I'll try reading for a bit and see if that helps me get back to sleep.

My mom has helped me so much in the past week and I feel so bad about it. I'm going to pay her back as soon as I get paid, but I hate having to ask her for help.

I hate bothering people with my problems, so I try really hard not to. Summertime is a bad time to live in your car. I've learned to tolerate the heat, but when it gets dangerously hot it becomes an issue.

Staying at motels during heatwaves eats up my check. Even the no tell motels I stay at are expensive. And I stay at the type of motels people commit crimes in. Just saying. Haha.

So my mood is a little low from having to ask my mom for help. I would rather not have to ask anyone for anything ever. I know that things will get better when the weather starts cooling down.

I'll be able to actually save money and get my own place. When this whole thing started I figured I would be living in my car for a month at most, but I was being very cavalier about the whole endeavor. I've encountered so many unexpected challenges.

I like to think that challenges and hardship are character-building. Sometimes I really believe that, and sometimes I just repeat it as a mantra to make myself feel better about the things I've been through.

I was anxious this morning when I woke up. I've been living with anxiety for years, so I know what works for me and what doesn't. But I really struggled with returning to baseline today.

Part of the reason was because I was without my anxiety meds for a few days. I really thought I would be alright without it for just a little bit, because I have been managing my anxiety so well for so long. It turns out I was wrong.

I called my mom and told her what was going on and she immediately sent me money to get my meds. She fussed me a little bit about letting myself go without them for days instead of calling her.

Everyone who knows me well knows I'm a little cray-cray without my meds.

That joke didn't even make me smile. It was a lame one. Boo.

Anyway, that's how things have been going lately. Kinda rocky. But I'm looking up.

I can hear an echo of my youngest son asking me this question when he was three years old.

We had moved to Iowa, and we were living in the middle of nowhere in an old house with no air conditioning at the height of summer.

His little voice is echoing in my head as this latest heatwave boils the Midwest endlessly.

When is this baycation gonna be done?

I'm so over this heat.

I long for Fall.

Things just weren't going right. When they opened the house back up I had to start wiping down everything and vacuuming.

The vacuum made it halfway through the living room before it seized up and started going, "Rrrreeeeeeee!"

Mind you, nothing is on this floor. We don't keep house like that around here, okay?

So I got on the floor and turned the vacuum over so I could see what the problem was. I saw hair wrapped around the spinny thing.

Forgive me, I'm not mechanically inclined. I just know that the spinny thing needs to spin to pick up the dirt so the sucky thing can suck it all up.

I thought, "Hmm... maybe it's this hair wrapped around the spinny thing?"

So, I start freaking pulling... and pulling... and pulling...

My coworker walked in, saw what I was doing and said, "Eww..."

I agree.

By the time I was finished, I had pulled a ball of hair out of that vacuum the size of a softball, I shit you not.

Blonde hair, red hair, brown hair, black hair... I think all of us women who work here donated to the hairball.

I could've made a voodoo doll for each one of us if I so desired.

And on top of that, we had to have the windows open to air the house out. We're in the middle of a freaking heatwave right now, so the house was exactly as hot and moist as Satan's taint.

Add on some behaviors and a sprinkle of contraband to all of that, and I have had a very full evening.

And it's storming. I love thunderstorms, but I always get a headache when a front moves in. Happens every time.

So my clothes are clinging to me, I feel gross, and I have a headache.

And in regards to the fumigation, our boss said that was it "for now".

😭

What do you mean, boss? Third time's a charm, right?

Right?

Fuck me...

They're doing more of the fumigating that they were doing last week. It kind of feels like overkill at this point.

I don't remember if I explained the situation, but maintenance found fleas when they were laying new flooring in one of our vacant rooms.

I understand that we need to make sure they're gone, but this is the third time they've fumigated in a week's time.

It's going to be at least 4pm before we can go over there, which means everything will be running behind this evening.

And then there's all the cleaning that will need to be done. It's just such a bummer.

It is what it is, but I'm just feeling really meh about the whole thing. I figured we would've been done with all of this last week.

Imagine my surprise when I returned to work this week and discovered that they were still heavily focused on that.

My coworker told me to fix my face after she told me about it. 🤣

When he first ghosted me I really struggled with my emotions. I didn't think anyone was capable of breaking my heart like that at this age. I thought I was beyond things like that. I see now that romantic heartbreak can occur at any age, and no matter how many times your heart has been broken, there's still something left to break.

We spent so much time together and shared so much that I just could not understand how things could end like that. It didn't make sense to me that someone who was my best friend didn't think that I even deserved a good-bye. He was just there one day and gone the next.

I also struggled because he truly acted like he cared about me during our time together. He even told me that he loved me once. He was drunk and angry in that moment, and clearly he didn't mean it, but he said it.

In my mind, what we had was something special. It was more than a simple friendship, something less than a relationship, but it was everything to me.

It was devastating to discover that it was just a way for him to pass the time until he found something better. Who spends literally all night talking to someone they don't care about? Not me.

And his lack of care should not surprise me because my family is exactly like that. They don't form attachments to people, either.

Someone asked me why he had me questioning my own worth. It's because the way he left confirmed one of my deepest fears—that I am easily thrown away. I'm forgettable. This is a wound I have had since I was a very small child.

I don't know if anyone will ever truly look at me and see me as someone worthy of keeping, but I am ready to make peace with my past and the people who have hurt me along the way.

I'm ready to let go, because holding on is destroying me. Trying to make sense of things is keeping me stuck.

I am untethered and ready to move forward.

In my dream I was in this weird town. I don't know where it was, but it wasn't in the U.S. The town was a tourist attraction, and tourists weren't allowed to park inside of the town. We had to walk in.

It was me, my brother, my sister, and one of my cousins. My brother had this little white dog. He doesn't have one in real life.

The town was very old. Alot of the buildings were constructed in the middle ages. The town was very spread out, so we had to walk on pathways through the woods sometimes. The streets were cobblestone.

The town was beautiful, but it had this eerie feeling. I chalked it up to the town being ancient and having so much history.

Anyway, we were walking on a path through the woods to get to another part of town and this mountain lion lunged out and snatched up my brother's dog.

He held onto the leash to try and keep it from taking his dog but the leash snapped. I grabbed a big rock and I tried to hit the mountain lion upside the head with it, but I missed and fell face first in the dirt.

My brother was yelling no. I put my hand on his shoulder to try to console him, but he pushed me away. He said that he was leaving and going back to the car.

I said, "We're supposed to stick together. This place is huge."

He got in my face and said, "I said I'm going back to the car."

I put my hands up in surrender because he looked like he might punch me. He turned around and started walking back in the direction we came from.

My sister said, "Just let him go. He doesn't want us to see him cry."

I nodded and we continued in the opposite direction. There was this building that said "est. 1547" on the front.

I pointed at it and said, "Oh, let's go in there!"

We did and it turned out to be a pub with a long line stretching from the door to the bar. We were standing in line and my cousin was staring at her phone. We'll call her "A".

A said, "Hey, I don't want anything to drink. I'm just gonna wait outside, okay?"

I said, "But we're supposed to be sticking together."

My sister said, "I'll wait outside with her. We'll be right there when you come out."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Fine, whatever."

I was really annoyed because no one was sticking to our original plan of not splitting up. I tried to shake it off. I finally got up to the bar and the entire menu was in Welsh. I was extremely embarrassed.

I told the bartender, "I can only speak and read English."

I wasn't even sure if she would understand me. She glanced back at the menu, laughed, and said in English, "That's okay. I'm good at reading people and I think I know exactly what you need. Do you trust me?"

I laughed and said, "I trust you about as much as I trust anyone I just met."

She winked at me and started making me a drink. She put it in a to-go cup for me and I paid and left the pub.

When I got outside, my sister was there staring at her phone, but A was gone.

I said, "Where's A?"

She looked up from her phone like she had just realized A wasn't beside her. She said, "I don't know. She was just here a minute ago!"

I sighed and said, "Why is everyone acting so stupid today? All we have to do is stick together and no one can seem to do that!"

My sister said, "You really need to chill. She has to be around here somewhere."

I pulled out my phone and pulled up a picture of A. I began showing it to people and asking them if they had seen her. Most shook their heads no and kept walking.

I finally showed her picture to woman who said, "Yes! I saw her over there talking to that guy."

I said, "Which guy?"

She said, "The one standing on top of the car."

I thought it was weird that he had a car in town when it supposedly was against the rules, but I grabbed my sister by the arm and pulled her along with me to go talk to him. He was surrounded by a group of guys who appeared to be his friends.

I said, "Hey, have you seen this girl?" I showed him A's picture.

He barely glanced at the photo and said, "No. Never seen her."

I said, "Someone told me that she saw her talking to you. Can you please take a closer look at her picture?"

He got an attitude and stepped up to me very close.

He said, "I told you I haven't seen her. The sun is going down soon. You should run along."

I said, "Hey man, you need to back the fuck up. I'm just trying to find my cousin. Once I find her I'll gladly leave."

Suddenly a cop walked up and asked what the problem was. I told her that my cousin was missing and this guy was acting weird because I asked him if he had seen her. I showed the cop A's picture.

The cop stared at the picture with no expression on her face and said, "The sun will be going down soon. It's time for you to leave."

I got pissed. "I'm not leaving without my cousin. Is there some kind of loudspeaker that you can call her on? Can't you put together a search party?"

The cop said, "We don't do that here. This is the last time I'm going to ask you to leave."

My sister pulled on my arm and said, "Come on, Courtney. Let it go. Maybe she's already waiting at the car."

I gave in and let her pull me onto the path leading into the woods. I kept running my mouth as we walked.

"What is this place? Some kind of weird-ass sundown town?! I'm never coming back here again!"

The path was getting foggy and I could see headstones alongside the path.

"Do you remember passing a cemetery on our way here?" I asked my sister.

She said, "No, I don't, but look at the name on that headstone."

I looked at the headstone she was pointing at and it had our cousin's full government name and date of birth on it. Her date of death was listed as that same day.

I stumbled backward and said, "Something's not right about this place!"

My sister said, "Let's get the hell out of here. Hopefully, A is at the car."

I looked around at the other headstones and one of them caught my eye. It had my full name and date of birth on it. The date of death was listed for that day, too.

I put my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. I rushed over to another headstone and it had my brother's name. The one next to it had my sister's.

I turned around to face my sister, but she was gone. I called her name and got no response. I started to cry.

Something was very wrong and I was filled with a sense of dread. Something inside of me screamed, "Run!"

I took off running down the path, but the fog was super thick. I couldn't see anything. Pretty soon I wasn't even on the path anymore. I was running through brush and brambles. They were scratching my face and arms and tearing my clothes.

Suddenly I tripped over something and I began rolling downhill, screaming the whole way. I came to a stop in a puddle of mud at the bottom of the hill. I rolled over and coughed, trying to catch my breath.

The fog was so thick that I couldn't even see my hand in front of me. I was filled with a panic so intense that I couldn't move.

I started whispering no over and over like a prayer. That was when I heard what sounded like a giggle. I turned my head in the direction it came from and called out, "Hello?!"

Silence.

Then I heard it again. Another giggle, but it sounded like it was coming from another direction.

I called out, "Please help me! I can't see and I'm lost! I just wanna go home! Please!"

There were more giggles. There was clearly more than one person.

One of the voices called out, "Courtney!"

The giggling intensified. It sounded like there was a whole group of people laughing at me.

"Stop it!" I screamed.

The giggling continued, but they also kept saying my name.

"Courtney! Courtney! Courtney! Courtney!"

Someone said in a voice that sounded exactly like mine, "What is this place? Some kind of weird-ass sundown town? I'm never coming back here again!"

The giggling turned into full-blown cackling.

I covered my ears and started rocking back and forth, sobbing.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I screamed.

Everything went quiet. All I could hear was my breathing and my heart pounding in my ears.

I took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm myself.

Suddenly, I felt cold air on the back of my neck and someone screamed right next to my ear.

"Courtney!"

And that was when I woke up, thank God.

One of my favorite memories of him was the day I bought my car. He was 12 years old at the time.

I went to pick him up from school and he had no idea I had bought a new car. I had to roll down my window and holler his name to get his attention.

He said, "Whose car is this?"

"It's ours," I told him.

He was fiddling with the buttons while I was driving, figuring out how everything worked.

He rolled down the window and was hollering, "We got a nice new car! Is that your car?! Haha, poor!'

Yeah, that was rude and obnoxious of him, but he was making me laugh. He was so excited.

I wish I could rewind time.

I must have slept wrong, because I was kissed awake by excruciating knee pain.

Unable to ignore it, I practically kicked my car door open so I could stretch my leg out. When that didn't work, I got out of my car and walked around.

I'm sure I was a sight hobbling around my car barefoot with my wild, unbrushed hair, ratty t-shirt, and jeans so full of holes that I can no longer wear them in public.

I hope I didn't ruin anyone's breakfast.

I really should retire those jeans, but they are my favorite pair. They're a million years old and they are so soft and comfortable.

I refuse to throw them away until the crotch completely rips. Even then, I might still keep them.

My knee feels better, though!

I'll be getting out of here for a week. I need it so bad. Mom asked me to keep in touch with her. I need to get some decent sleep tonight so I won't feel like crap when I wake up.

Today was okay. I really didn't feel like myself. It could be because it's that time of the month. It could be because I hold a lot of things inside. Who knows?

The past several days have felt so long. Probably because I've been waiting somewhat impatiently.