I’m 34 and feel like I need to rebuild my life from scratch — where do I even start?
Hi everyone,
I’m 34 years old and I’ve reached a point where I feel like my life needs a complete 180-degree change. Not because I expect some perfect future, but because I don’t want to keep living in constant anxiety, sadness and survival mode.
I struggle with anxiety and depression, and a lot of it goes back to my childhood. My father was very narcissistic, and my mother often made me feel unwanted. Growing up like that made me constantly look for approval and do extreme things just to feel seen, loved or important.
I’m also gay, and this has always been a major issue within my family. I never really felt accepted for who I was. At this point I no longer have contact with my family, which is probably healthier in some ways, but it also means I barely have a support system.
I find it difficult to make friends and maintain relationships. I’ve developed a lot of people-pleasing behaviour because I’m scared people will leave. I often adapt myself to others so much that I don’t even know what I genuinely want or who I am without the anxiety.
I’ve also struggled with addiction to hard drugs. I’ve been to rehab several times. My longest period of sobriety was 2 years and 8 months, and honestly, that was the best period of my adult life. I still had problems, but I felt much more stable, confident and like myself.
I’ve seen many psychologists over the years. I’ve been told more than once that certain trauma treatments may not be suitable for me because there has been so much trauma and so many different things have happened. I can understand that to some extent, but it also leaves me wondering what I’m actually supposed to do with all of it.
Work is difficult for me too. I struggle to keep a job, especially when my anxiety gets bad. My social skills aren’t the best, I overthink interactions constantly, and sometimes just showing up feels terrifying.
Another major part of my life changed in 2016.
I was attacked and beaten by three men because I’m gay. I suffered several fractures to my face. My right eye socket was fractured in multiple places, and since then my eye sits lower and further inward. My eyebrow has dropped, there is less volume around that side, and my cheekbone looks different.
My nose was also broken and is now crooked. My jaw was fractured too, and since then it seems to shift more toward the right and forward.
This has affected me much more than I like to admit. Looking in the mirror can immediately make me feel sad. It reminds me of what happened and of how I looked before. I know appearance isn’t everything, but the changes to my face have had a huge effect on my confidence and depression.
When I go to doctors about the facial injuries and the problems I still have, I often leave feeling like I’m not being taken seriously. That makes me feel even more powerless.
At this point, I’m not looking for an amazing or perfect life.
I would honestly be happy with a quiet, low-key life.
A home where I actually feel safe and comfortable. One or two close friends I can talk and laugh with. A job where I’m not constantly scared to show up. Being able to look in the mirror without feeling crushed. Being able to relax without my mind constantly telling me something is wrong.
I’m writing this because I genuinely don’t know where to start anymore.
Has anyone here rebuilt their life after addiction, trauma, family rejection, loneliness or severe anxiety?
What actually helped you?
I’m especially interested in practical things — small steps, types of therapy, ways of rebuilding a social life, learning who you are again, or anything you wish someone had told you earlier.
Thanks for reading.