u/Craicriture

I’m in this rather shitty situation for a long time. I’m on meds due to a complicated issue to control my blood pressure. I’m in shape, fit and active but it’s an underlying plumbing issue that’s too complicated to explain here.

Ended up on ARBs in early 20s, that’s grown to ARBs, also include a low dose of a diuretic, calcium channel blockers and a cardio selective beta blocker - a real cocktail going on! All being monitored by a cardiologist etc etc.

Anyway, if I’m off them I get palpitations and my BP goes scary high, so that’s not really an option, and I’m finding either way, sex is just a joke, and always was.

I get plenty of attention, but I am just so bad at this stuff is hilarious. I’ll hook up, end up in bed, and then I’m making excuses and just want to go home. Or I’ll go in a date and end up having a real nice meal and taking for hours and going home. I had a lifetime of being called a cock tease, a time waster and all sorts of stuff, which I suppose from someone else’s perspective is accurate - I can’t really complain.

I basically have had one relationship ever, which was with someone who was superficially great, but a bit of a manipulative bully - so that went very well lol

Other than that I’ve had hook ups and dates, most of which have been utter disasters lol - I look at other people and it’s not like I’m jealous, more just bewildered by how they do so this dating and relationship stuff and so much of it lol - I can’t even figure out how they get the time!

Mostly, I’ll go on a date if I’m basically forcing myself to go rather than it being something that I actually want to do, and that’s becoming really annoying because people keep convincing me to try and try again and it’s actually giving me serious stress and I’m feeling just weird about it. I don’t really want to go on any more dates, and I’m completely fed up with unwanted pep talks from friends, and that is resulting in my friend pool getting rather smaller, so life is just tending to get more and more lonely.

Anyway, just kinda feeling like I am hanging up my hat and focusing on hobbies and stuff instead of putting myself though this over and over for no real reason.

I’m just wondering if I’m just being fussy but a few times in Cork recently I’ve been stuck listening to abysmal playlists or whatever weird stuff the staff put on their Spotify etc…

Not great tbh when it’s a chilled out cafe and wall to wall 90s dance hits…

Big deal when it kills the ambiance.

Just noticing it a lot around Cork in last few weeks and it’s a big contrast to Dublin and also how things used to be…. People actually cared about playlists.

I was walking through Stoneybatter earlier and some guy on one of those fat wheeled e-bikes - you know the ones that look like a motorbike, decided to drive straight at me on the footpath. I basically had to throw myself and the grocery shopping against a house to get out of the way! He wasn’t going slow either and didn’t seem to be even very well in control of the bike - hence my reflex to jump against a hall door.

Was more of the same nonsense in Lidl in Cabra on Sunday - guy drove up and down the travellator on a similar fat wheeled e-bike

This city sometimes … there are days I am just feeling like why do I even live here anymore.

I’ve kinda just given up on relationships, as it just doesn’t work for me. I always considered myself bi, and was very openly so since my teens - and I’m not even sure if that’s accurate, but I’m just so, so, sooooooooo bad at all this stuff. I always feel like I’m faking it and forcing myself. Like I’ll frequently end up going on dates, having a great chat, drinks, dinner, or whatever, and then I’ll forget that I’m supposed to notice they’re flirting or flirt back and then it just ends up as a nice night out. I’ve had hook ups where nothing happens even though I really have genuinely tried, and I have just given up apologised and gone home. They usually seem to think I’ve some hang up about sex but I really don’t. It just doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried everything.

I’ve had basically one maybe two actual relationships ever one with a guy and the other with a woman and both ended, in one case with my ex partner being frustrated, and actually extremely angry and frustrated with me that I’m not driving things sexually. I tried doctors and ED drugs etc etc - I even had my my female ex suggesting getting some kind of implant installed to bypass the whole need to be aroused to perform, I didn’t do that, but anyway just got dumped spectacularly.

Even in my early 20s my only gay friends would sometimes lecture me about the fact that I was basically not doing what I’m supposed to be doing because I wasn’t hooking up or making any effort to. Both gay and straight people would try wingman type stuff or to push me into hookups and dates and it just got embarrassing and I just stopped socialising for a few years entirely.

I honestly don’t know what to do because everyone expects me to be in a relationship or dating and I really don’t want to and they just feel like they’re constantly pushing to the point that I basically no longer have anyone to talk to even. I go to a few random events to just not be in my own, people regularly ask me out but I don’t see the point and it’s just like everyone keeps asking why I’m still single and it’s so awkward.

I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy but I’m not enjoying always being sick on my own, yet there’s very little prospect of doing anything about it.