hey guys, i'm going to keep this "quick." i've never written to the internet for advice about my identity, and i obviously understand that no one is going to be able to tell me who i am, but i feel like i need some outside perspective.
i've never even considered that i could be aro because i've always craved a relationship, however that was years ago when i was super depressed. i used to hate myself because i was an ugly kid, but over the past couple of years i have completely changed not only my outward appearence but my confidence as well. i really, really like who i am (almost to the point of being egotistical lol) and that's awesome... but over the past year i've noticed that i literally do not feel any inclination to be in a relationship.
at first i thought i was too tired. i've recently started a new chapter in my life, and change is exhausting, so i assumed i didn't have time. then literally every single one of my friends found a partner, and i felt jealous- not because i can't find a partner, but because for the last couple years i haven't found myself being attracted to anyone. finding others objectively attractive and nice to look at, sure, but never to the point where i could see myself approaching them or whatever.
i've recently discovered that i feel disgusted when imagining myself in 3rd person being "looked at" by other people, or even feeling disgusted when i do imagine myself approaching someone i find attractive, and i'm not sure if it's due to the possibility of rejection or what. this dry period in my life got so bad that i was wondering if i was asexual, but that's not it. i could imagine myself having sex with someone i found attractive if the opportunity arose...but that's the problem. i don't really feel attraction towards anyone at all, and it's really, really, REALLY starting to irritate me.
so that's my question; could i possibly be aro and still feel the desire/the want to be attracted to someone? am i not as confident in myself as i thought? the thing is, i don't even WANT to be aro i don't think. i liked the feeling of being attracted to someone all those years ago. of course, being aro isn't a choice...i don't know. i feel super pent-up, irritated, and confused. any advice or personal anecdotes would help greatly. thanks in advance, you guys.